The death of 'tiru'
There’s something I now realize after writing so many pieces around. Anytime I write, blogpost, an email, or a page in diary, somewhere down under, I know that I am writing for someone to read it. When I write mails, at least I know whom am I writing to. Generally I try to confirm to the idea of ‘tiru’ that that person would have. I try to act in a way, rather write in a way which would perhaps please him/her, the reader. When I write blogs, I have an intended target which generally involves the friends or UPSC aspirants I kind of know. The general public who may read is involved but then I try to write in a way which would confirm to the idea of what I am to people who know and interact with me. The worst part is that even when I am writing a diary, I make sure that things are written in ways which make me look good if someone reads it, someday, sometime. There goes the very idea of maintaining a diary.
I really don’t know if this is the case with all but to be honest, that’s the case with me. I tried to analyze the reason. Writing is a great liberator. Only if one can be true. It can throw out all the subconscious fears and desires. The former condition inhibits it. If one is true enough to write what’s ‘really’ on the mind, I believe the person doesn’t have any hidden feelings or fears. And that’s why such persons may never undertake to write. The one who writes is someone who has something to be thrown out, a point to be proven, a pinky to be thrust up someone’s ass, some crazy idea to be shared, a thesis to be presented, an idea to be communicated or just for fun. I have serious doubts about the people who just write for fun. Fun of what, for whose fun? I too thought I write for fun. But I lately discovered that I am not writing for my own fun but for the praises I may get for writing. That is fun. Generally after writing a piece, I ensure through some means that others know that I have written something for fun. The actual fun is when my friends praise, better still if strangers do. I try to fine tune what I write in future based on the feedback I get. If they like something, I try to continue that style, if they don’t like something; I fine tune my style that generally suits them. Sounds crazy? Or is it familiar? It should be latter if you are not cheating.
Ok, let me elaborate the concept. Why do politicians take on popular causes? How do they arrive at these popular causes? It happens something like this. First the politician takes up some issue at random. If it arises sympathy and emotions among people (which is acknowledged by their cheers or through some other means such as voting behavior), then one continues to advocate for the cause, otherwise one drops and moves on to next idea. So, it’s what the people wish that the politicians utter. If someone thought politicians set the agenda for debate among people, let me clarify, it’s the other way round. If no one talks about ‘India Shining’ today, it is because the public didn’t cheer for it in the elections. Today we talk about ‘bharat nirman’. It may strengthen or kicked out tomorrow. Similar mechanism works in all of us.
There is a subconscious desire in everyone to be praised, the need for self esteem. The ‘ego’ always wants to grow. It can either derive energy from inside, that is from the ‘id’ (if you know, it is the subconscious part of our mind, the natural and innate desires of human, which are generally sexual and biological in nature) or from outside through the ‘ego’ of others. The id is difficult to express owing to the restrictions put up by the society. I may feel like having sex with every other nice female I see on road due to my ‘id’ impulses, but as that would lead to my destruction (no, not due to exhaustion but due to societal restrictions), I would refrain from obeying my ‘id’ feelings. Growing by fulfilling ‘id’ demands is animal, not human. But trust me, if a society allows ‘id’ feelings to manifest in its true form, that society is the most blessed one. The most free of them all. Perhaps, the ancient society of ‘Caligula’ era was close to it, but then did it have societal order? I am not sure. I am not a history student.
So, to satisfy myself, I would agree to live in societal restrictions and obey the rules (superego what they say). I would try to choose the latter way of ego building. Grow with the help of other’s egos. There are various ways to get praises and grow the ego. Some ways are like working one’s ass off in an office and take promotions, studying hard to top an examination, and working out in a gym to get big biceps, acting in a likeable manner to woo females etc. and then there’s writing.
So, that explains why I write the way I write, that explains why politicians do what they do, why you are working you ass off in that office, why you try to appreciate the shitty ideas your boss passes on to you and why one feels happy when others flatter them, even when it is false and one knows it. It is to satisfy the self. To make the ego grow.
Having explained why I write the way I write, let me actually get to the point I am trying to make. It’s about being true. I have been fighting for this for long time. Every time it eludes me. Whenever I am with someone, I try to gel with the other, at the cost of what I feel. To some extent, I can feel that my friends too compromise for me. Maybe, there are one or two of them around who do not actually do that to me, but then I have seen them doing it with others. They may be open with me due to closeness but with others, again the game of scratching begins. I scratch yours, you scratch mine is the motto. We both are feeding each other’s egos. How to get out of it? Can I be free? And yet not lose friends around. Can I be true without turning the relationship sour? Can I tell someone that his thoughts stink if they do. I have tried doing it and the results were unfavorable which made to get into that fine tuning mode and correct myself. Back to square one.
Lately I am staying alone (yes, the above ideas are the result of being alone) in a room with attached bathroom. I am not obliged to help someone’s ego to grow as my interactions are very restricted. For a talkative person like me, it was pure hell initially, my mind made funny noises. I realized that though physically alone, the brain is not allowing me to be alone. That’s when I started questioning the very basics of the activities I do. That’s when I realised that I am living down the image of ‘tiru’ that I have created in the society. That’s when I seriously doubted my goal. Am I really doing it for myself or to live down the image that ‘tiru’ is a person who can reach the goal? If I am just the image that is created by my very own brain, then what’s real me. Does it exist? If yes, how’s the real one to look at. How does it feel to be ‘real’ me?
I see that everyone is living down the image they have projected. The image is reinforced back by others. It’s the same ego scratching principle. If my friend says that he wants to grow rich, I appreciate him and say that he deserves it and he is bound to grow rich if he follows his plan properly. That perhaps boosts his self and he in turn tries harder to live down the image of a person who wants to grow rich. He may become really rich tomorrow and live down the image. But has he really lived ‘HIS’ life? Or was it the life of the image he had projected, the image that wanted to grow rich.
Everyone wants the approval of society. Someone wants to grow rich so that he can live a happy life, someone wants to get a degree, and someone is behind a new job. What is the ultimate motive of all the motions that are going on? Very difficult to analyze others but as far as I go, I now know that if I can really come out the ‘obligations’ of the ‘tiru’ image created by me, I am a free man. I am then, not answerable to anyone, not even to my own self. That’s because my current ‘self’ i.e. ‘tiru’ would be dead. I may then have the real raw ‘tiru-new’ or a 'tiruV2.0' if it exists and if not, I may experience something new. I keep my fingers crossed. Meanwhile, I don’t think I would write, as I see no more motives to write. I have passed the stage where my ‘ego’ needs any approval. I don’t see why I should have goals and chase them. Why should I be rich? I don’t see as to why I should do anything more than what’s required for basic survival. And there are very high chances that I would agree my ‘id’ impulses as and when they arise even at the cost of my destruction. Well, I feel I am on the verge of something very important, really important. And the best part is that I need to explain anything to anyone. I am no longer obliged to do that. It may come to me anytime, today, and tomorrow or fuck, who cares any longer. I am not even bothered. I am dead.
'tiru' IS DEAD........
