THE SONG OF LIFE...
I struggled with the algebraic loop. Somewhere the logic was wrong. Matlab cannot tackle algebraic loops properly. I was getting restless in office. There was something that bothered me in the back of my mind. Is it the air-conditioner? Or is it the irritation at not being able to move at this step of performance check. It was looping in the mind, avoiding direct cognition.
Then it struck. It was the feeling that I didn’t make it to the list of successful candidates in civil services exam. I thought I had tackled and buried the ghost of it in the one week period after the results came. But it doesn’t look like I have done it completely. It loops inside. It nags. Sometimes I know it’s nagging, and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, it irritates.
I feel like L K Advani. A man who fought and lost and has no more time left to take one more shot at it. He is old. So am I, in a different way. The difference is that I still have more than 30 years to fight out in life. He doesn’t. If this is how much failure hurts me, I cannot imagine how Mr. Advani is feeling.
This post is not to grieve over Mr. Advani’s defeat. It’s about me. It’s about how I failed and how I am coping with it. Biwi corrects me every time I say that I failed. She says “You didn’t qualify, that’s all, and you didn’t ‘fail’.” One way or the other, it means I am not in the list of selected candidates. I scored 1173 out of 2300. And I heard they took guys who scored above 1175. (Post facto I learnt that the cut off was 1173. There were five candidates at 1173, three got in, two got out, and I was one of the two. Can the luck get crueler?)
My fling at the exam began with my intention to do something more than what I was doing. I was doing what I loved doing. Designing and developing products for the industry. I was doing that for 3.5 years after my engineering. I thought I could design better policies and help in developing India in a better way. I felt I can be a scriptwriter in the success story of making of a modern India in a globalized world. That’s ‘why’ I quit my job to take up a career in civil services. I quit when I was doing extremely well in the industry.
When I started, I always dreamt about what I would do once I am a civil servant. I failed the first time. That’s when things changed. Thereafter, I was more concerned about how to clear this exam than about what I would do once I have done so. The question as to ‘why’ I wanted to be a civil servant was relegated to some back corner of my mind. It was the exam and it was me. Years rolled by. Until this happened. I was too old for this exam and out of attempts.
I am back in industry. Doing what I do best. Luckily for me, I had added few months of experience while preparing and had found my life partner. Rather, my life partner found me while I was preparing for this exam. Either way, we got married. And now we have a baby girl (Vibhavari). By the time the results came, my life was busier than ever. There was not much time to look back and grieve. And Biwi was there to support me.
I am doing reasonably well in the industry now. My career is progressing well. Biwi and Vibhavari are doing fine. Life has changed. Priorities have changed. And I am moving on.
Bulleting back from work, in the chaotic traffic of Bangalore, when I switch off my Bullet at signals, and look around and see fellow techies, I realize that I am now one of them. The job, the workload, project deadlines, cafeteria, cubicle, bitching about the HR policies and the wait for the next weekend. It’s all there. However, there’s one difference.
I had the courage to risk it all. I once did. I lost the bet. And I know that I have the courage to build my dreams once more. Brick by brick, I will build. I believe this is my takeaway from this exam, where I didn’t, ‘qualify’.
Tiru
I have changed the logic, and now the model is without the nagging algebraic loop. And it’s working fine.
