Reasons

Long time. The blog was dead. I am in the process of writing a book, loosely based on the blog. Thought I would share with you guys. A small excerpt from the as-yet-unfinished work. Ideas and your experiences are welcome. Post it in comments or mail me at tirumalakv@gmail.com. If ever the book gets to see the light of the day, the acknowledgements would be due. Here it goes: 

"It's only the idiots who decide to appear for this exam. Look at the probability of success. Of a million who appear, less than a thousand qualify and only a hundred make it to the IAS. If the goal is to be an IAS, you are talking about a probability of around one in ten thousand. And knowing that atleast a third of them are good and deserving, and prepare well while taking up different subject options, it is difficult to predict who would get that one seat. That, my friend, makes this exam a function of sheer chance than any preparation or talent. It is irrational for a young graduate who can start in some decent job to waste years in pursuit of a goal with such abysmal success probability. There is no reason for a rational person to be here." 

The first one opined. The second one scratched his stubble and disagreed. 

"There is a reason. In this vast populous country, life usually ends up in the grind of misery and loses itself in frustrations of living. Mild success and stoic pursuit of linear growth in life can fascinate only the philosophers and lazy, not the restless young who want to change the world. This, the exam that you call unscientific and chance driven, gives a graduate a chance at doing  a lot better in life, probably ending up as someone who changes the course of things for millions. There is a meaning to life, and this exam gives a chance at unraveling it. Your life achieves a meaning and you get a reason to exist meaningfully, while you do good to others as an IAS, being an administrator or a policymaker. That's what attracts the youth to this exam And when you are young, you are ready to fight for that one chance in a million, and by that standard the odds are better here, one in ten thousand. Why wouldn't a reasonable graduate take it?" 

The third one smirked, he rolled his eyes and said, 

"How pompous you aspirants sound. I will tell you the bitter truth. Most of those who appear at this exam have no idea about what else to do. They are mediocre people. They choose such goals with low probability of success in order to justify the failure that they ultimately become. And among the remaining who come across as not-so-mediocre, or even talented, they all are here because they are insecure people. They have succeeded earlier, at IITs, IIMs, their universities, at their private sector jobs or even abroad, but in a very narrow sense of academic achievements or in a cloistered environment cut off from the daily realities of poverty and hardship. They yearn for challenge to satisfy their egos. An improbable goal like civil services, appears to them as something that shall seal their successes and take away their deep seated insecurity about themselves. Ha! They fail to recognize the chimera, yet again. The second types are psychological nutcases, in search of tangible success, to frame and hang it on the walls of their insecure self.  Chance probability and such calculations do not matter to either types. Failure is success for the first types. Success is just another step in the journey of an insecure self for the second types."

Mishraji slurped his chai, and took the next drag. He smiled and said, 

"Don't get so serious kids. This philosophy and theories are fine, but you must understand that there is lot of money to be made on the other side if you become an IAS. Seven generations need not work if you succeed at this. And add to it the prestige in the society. You are mai-baap for your district as an IAS. You are worshipped if you do some good. When you compare to the success, what are two or four years of your life? And look at the alternatives. Slogging as a second grade clerk or behind project deadlines or obnoxious bosses in private sector. Dog's life for paltry money. If you want to escape, this is the chance. What's wrong if all of us are here. Some of us will make it. Most won't. And if you make it and I don't, please don't forget me. I will be your secretary and will help you hide the ill-gotten money. You earn respect, I will earn money for you. He he." And he took another drag. Everyone smiled, but fell silent soon after. None agreed with Mishraji, but couldn't point out the exact reason of their disagreement. They shuffled around. 

The chai was over and they dispersed. Mishraji looked at Sharmaji behind the tea counter. He was putting the second mug of tea to the steam. It was getting colder by the day. A light mist was descending on the surroundings, giving a soft damp smell to the narrow gullies where the IAS aspirants lived. Jia sarai was not a place to prepare anymore. Many who worked at private sector had made it their home. But years ago, this place buzzed with mostly IAS aspirants, especially those who came with engineering background. Mishraji was a relic from that era, though he majored in philosophy. He had hung on, giving attempts after attempts. As one more winter dawned, he was feeling worn out and old. Sharmaji was singing an old hindi song from behind the counter. 

"Duniya banane wale…." 

"Teesri kasam Sharmaji. What a song. Keep it up." Mishraji egged. Sharmaji continued. The song got over. 

"You know Sharmaji. None of these idiots will make it. They are too theoretical and serious. You need to be practical and easygoing here. Come, read the relevant stuff, practice, write the answers in a certain way and go out successful. There is no point hanging around and philosophising. And none of them thought of being an entrepreneur, doing social work, excelling in their own fields and so on. They clung to this exam and are theorizing about reasons to do so. Its as if they themselves are not convinced about the reason of being here. They all will end up as failures." 

"How do you know Mishraji? How can you judge others like that?" Sharmaji asked. 

Mishraji took a while to finish his cigarette. He didn't speak. He threw the butt on the ground, rubbed it under his feet and started walking. He stopped, looked around at Sharmaji and said, 

"Because Sharmaji, I was just like them." 

THE SUPPLEMENTARY LIST

Just wanted to inform folks that I figure in the supplementary lits of successful candidates for civil services main exam 2008. I don't just figure there  but 'top' that list. A lot of comments on my earlier blogs asked me this question and I believe it's my duty to reply. Hence this post. The 51st one.

The supplementary list was released by UPSC a few months ago. The description of the list was in a pdf file, in comic sans font, mocking the entire idea of success. Anyway, the names were in Times new roman and I sucked unto it when I saw my name topping the list. 

So, based on the helpful hints from my fellow supplementary candidates, I came to know that I will land up with a service that's called Indian Trade Service, ITS. I am awaiting the service allocation by DoPT.

Have been wondering how this would sound. K.V.Tirumala, ITS. 

A private joke between me and my Punjabi biwi is that T stands for Tatta. Hope it doesn't let me down once I join and stink like that word. 

Anyway, my job in private sector is going well. Airbus is an excellent organization to work for when it comes to challenges at work and balance between work and life. Tough things to provide to an employee, especially for the ones like me, and I found Airbus a good place to be.

Someone in Sansad bhavan, upper house, asked the PM when would these supplementary people get their jobs that's due to them for years. The answer was, we are following due procedure and in due time it will be done. 

And so I wait, in the meantime, for the due clerks of various departments to take due action and roll the due procedure so that some dues to me in life are set right. Will keep you posted. 

Tiru

In retrospect....

A difference in time and place can help one gain different perspective on things and events. I never thought I would ever revisit this blog, atleast not this soon. Anyway, here I am.
I am months away from the time Civil services meant everything to me and I am thousands of kilometers away from Jia Sarai, sitting in increasingly cold weather of Hamburg in Germany. I have been seeing quite an amount of world in Europe recently and that puts things in perspective for me. I just want to say, in retrospect, nothing matters.
I spent a lot of time wondering why I didn’t make it to civil services. I thought I will carry the burden of this failure all my life and will never get over this. In fact, that’s the reason why I never dared to visit this blog.
That’s not so. I moved on. Quite well to my own surprise, I must say. In retrospect it looks so stupid of me to even think that I failed. I now look back with a smile at this blog and wonder what I was upto at jia sarai. It must have been fun while it lasted.
So, I decided to visit this blog once more and let all those who are attempting this exam know that in the long run it doesn’t matter. Great if you succeed, greater still if you don’t. You will get a chance to see the world, like I am doing right now. And you will enjoy it all the same. I now work in the field of aerospace with one of the biggest aeroplane makers in world, and I am proud to be an engineer.

Tiru

P.S: There was one more reason why I wanted to write this one last post on this blog. This post will take the total number of posts on this blog equal to 50. That's a nice sum to round up and retire. All the best

THE SONG OF LIFE...

I struggled with the algebraic loop. Somewhere the logic was wrong. Matlab cannot tackle algebraic loops properly. I was getting restless in office. There was something that bothered me in the back of my mind. Is it the air-conditioner? Or is it the irritation at not being able to move at this step of performance check. It was looping in the mind, avoiding direct cognition.

Then it struck. It was the feeling that I didn’t make it to the list of successful candidates in civil services exam. I thought I had tackled and buried the ghost of it in the one week period after the results came. But it doesn’t look like I have done it completely. It loops inside. It nags. Sometimes I know it’s nagging, and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, it irritates.

I feel like L K Advani. A man who fought and lost and has no more time left to take one more shot at it. He is old. So am I, in a different way. The difference is that I still have more than 30 years to fight out in life. He doesn’t. If this is how much failure hurts me, I cannot imagine how Mr. Advani is feeling.

This post is not to grieve over Mr. Advani’s defeat. It’s about me. It’s about how I failed and how I am coping with it. Biwi corrects me every time I say that I failed. She says “You didn’t qualify, that’s all, and you didn’t ‘fail’.” One way or the other, it means I am not in the list of selected candidates. I scored 1173 out of 2300. And I heard they took guys who scored above 1175. (Post facto I learnt that the cut off was 1173. There were five candidates at 1173, three got in, two got out, and I was one of the two. Can the luck get crueler?)

My fling at the exam began with my intention to do something more than what I was doing. I was doing what I loved doing. Designing and developing products for the industry. I was doing that for 3.5 years after my engineering. I thought I could design better policies and help in developing India in a better way. I felt I can be a scriptwriter in the success story of making of a modern India in a globalized world. That’s ‘why’ I quit my job to take up a career in civil services. I quit when I was doing extremely well in the industry.

When I started, I always dreamt about what I would do once I am a civil servant. I failed the first time. That’s when things changed. Thereafter, I was more concerned about how to clear this exam than about what I would do once I have done so. The question as to ‘why’ I wanted to be a civil servant was relegated to some back corner of my mind. It was the exam and it was me. Years rolled by. Until this happened. I was too old for this exam and out of attempts.

I am back in industry. Doing what I do best. Luckily for me, I had added few months of experience while preparing and had found my life partner. Rather, my life partner found me while I was preparing for this exam. Either way, we got married. And now we have a baby girl (Vibhavari). By the time the results came, my life was busier than ever. There was not much time to look back and grieve. And Biwi was there to support me.

I am doing reasonably well in the industry now. My career is progressing well. Biwi and Vibhavari are doing fine. Life has changed. Priorities have changed. And I am moving on.

Bulleting back from work, in the chaotic traffic of Bangalore, when I switch off my Bullet at signals, and look around and see fellow techies, I realize that I am now one of them. The job, the workload, project deadlines, cafeteria, cubicle, bitching about the HR policies and the wait for the next weekend. It’s all there. However, there’s one difference.

I had the courage to risk it all. I once did. I lost the bet. And I know that I have the courage to build my dreams once more. Brick by brick, I will build. I believe this is my takeaway from this exam, where I didn’t, ‘qualify’.

Tiru

I have changed the logic, and now the model is without the nagging algebraic loop. And it’s working fine.

My marks: Total 1173

Tiru

The song continues...

I was in Jia sarai for the interview. I stayed with Rahgu and Ravi. Ravi is working with an upcoming internet site in the field of marketing. He sells a site called parikshaguru.com to the coaching institutes. He asks them to advertise on the site. With a name like that, I, for once, wouldn't if i ran a coaching institute. 

Raghu, an ex IBM employee is now preparing for civil services. He quit his job and came here. 

Ravi and Raghu smoke like chimneys. Sitting in their room, my nicotine level automatically increased to their levels as they smoked inside. I didn't mind. I smoked once and had now given up. 

Ravi is the leanest person i have ever seen. Bare bones and skin, no muscles. In the morning, he was flexing himself. As ravi is from Koraput in orissa, I took a dig that he is a living proof of the poverty level in his district. He countered saying that he is a karate expert. I bought it. Being lean is something many youth don't like (get some body yaar) but come to cherish it during their middle ages (and run marathon running age) Anyway, there was no reason to disbelieve. 

 I walked around Jia Sarai. I met some old faces. The shops were the same. The faces too. Just that somehow i was finding it difficult to relate myself to all that. It was difficult for me to believe that i stayed in this hellhole for so long. The stinking latrine in the building almost made me puke and the bath was not different. When i was here, i never cared. 

The filth on the lanes is the same. It doesn't matter to anyone. It didn't to me once upon a time. 

Ravi got me a bottle of baba ramdev brand hair oil and shampoo in the evening. He told me that it would help to arrest hairfall. Well, neat way to say that i am losing hair. We boozed the night after interview. Boozed a lot. Mishra ji joined us. With his stories of his friends who had succeeded in the previous years. Only that those friends do not recognize him any longer. 

Many of my friends who prepared with me have left the place. Some made it, most didn't. None died in the process though.

The song continues, the dark bylanes sing the blues. Of failures, of successes, of the hunt, of the hunters, of those who dreamt, those who aspired and those who still stay there. With the fire in their hearts, to warm those winter nights when chai suttas alone can't keep one warm. To urge one to go on with their preparations. To never give up. I was once there. Living my dream. 

My Last Civil Services (UPSC) interview

I was in Delhi a day before the interview. Jia sarai had not changed physically but the number of students preparing for civil services exam had considerably come down. 

I got Mr. K K Paul's board in the interview. The interview didn't go well. The chairman started by telling me that i have lost age advantage and went on to ask questions about evolution and history of civil services in India, a dark area in my knowledge base. It was like they were asking a fish to climb a tree. Perhaps that's what I have been trying to do all these years...being a fish...trying to climb a tree...Anyway, here are the questions I was asked this time:

Chairman: You passed out from college in 2002, this is 2009, what were you doing after that.

- I recounted my experience from wipro, infosys and eaton after college and told that I am working currently in aerospace industry in the field of actuation and control systems as a senior engineer with a leading aerospace organization.

Chairman: What is your nature of work?

- I explained

Chairman: You have already crossed the age limit for civil services and I don't think you will grow to the highest level of civil services with the remaining number of years of service. Why then should you come into the services?

- I gave an elaborate explanation

Chairman: Ok, then tell me about the evolution of civil services in India.

 - I somehow tackled it. But I was very poor with facts here

Chairman: You don't seem to know much about history. Do you atlest know something about Bhagat Singh? 

Chairman: Tell me why Bhagat Singh was arrested? Where? 

Chairman: What is the difference between UPSC and other commissions like Human rights commission, competition commission etc?

 - I answered these questions but not to the satisfaction level of the chairman (I might have read him wrong....hope so)

Then chairman gave it over to other members

Member 1: Why did you take Pali as an optional?

Member 1: Can Pali be used to understand Indus valley civilization? How does it help?

Member 1: Do you blog? (my hobby). What do you blog?

Member 1: What is 2x, 3x, 5x in pyschology? (I didn't know this)

Member 2: Do you read MS Swaminathan's articles? What does he say about the level of food consumption coming down an all that. By what value it has come down in last decade as per his view?(I didn't know). 

Member 2: What is the population density of India?

Member 2: How would you compare the density of India with China? Which is higher and by how much?

Member 2: What do you know about Biofuels? Do you think it will solve the fuel problem in India? What is your opinion on it?

Member2: Did Buddha believe in God? Did Buddha think that God is required to attain Nirvana?

Member 3: If Pali is interesting as you said, then so is maths? Why didn't you then take mathematics?

Member 3: When did the Fort williams college operate in India? For how long?

Member 3: How do you ensure that the facts that you read are authentic? (he asked me this as one of my answers was wrong and upon asking where did i read it, I told him that i don't remember but it must be in one of the books)

Member 3: If a student is doing a project in which he has to refer internet, what suggestion would you give in order to ensure that he uses only authentic material?

Member 4: What is G20? Is India a member or an invitee? Why are they meeting this week and where?

Chairman: Your interview is over now. You can leave. 

I got up and wishes all the board members a nice day. Only one board member replied by saying that you too have a nice day. Other looked down or sideways. I was happy that it was all over. I can start my life now. 

Tiru

Got jobs after UPSC preparations

When it rains, it pours. That's what is happening to me. I got more than one job offer and finally joined an organization in the field of aerospace actuation systems (so clever of me, I skipped the name!).

Then the doctor told that we might expect the baby to arrive on 1st of april. The kid must be like me, looking at the expected arrival date. 

Then UPSC declared the mains results. I qualified. 

And then I got the letter from UPSC. My interview is scheduled on 30th of March, followed by a medical test on the following day. Now, that means a lot of things. It might so happen that I am out there attending the interview and the medical test while biwi delivers the baby. I want the interview to be over before the baby comes. I am afraid the baby might come out and say
"What pa, you still writing exams!!"

But that's not the major worry. The probability that i might have to stay away from biwi during the most important moment of our lives seems high and that makes me worry. It's pure 'emosanal atyachar'. 

Anyway, lot of probabilities playing in my life. I caught sinus yesterday. In fact, i thought i had caught cold and when the doctor called out 'SINUS', I was afraid. I had heard that word from many and i always thought that sinus problem is only for unhealthy sickos who don't exercise. Biwi was very happy. She had predicted that I had sinus and her prediction had come true. She was happy for the prediction. She did a little jig outside the doctor's room and said
"Dekha, I told you that you had sinus". She didn't know how hard i had to suffer to make her happy about her prediction.
Incidentally, the doctor too mentioned the same medicines that biwi had prescribed. That boosted biwi's confidence
"I could have been a doctor", she muttered to herself. 

Anyway, with my busy schedule at office, I don't have any time to prepare for interview. I now believe that "You cannot prepare for a personality test, it's just a measure of what you are, and you are not built in a day or week"

That thought is so soothing. 

I am on leave today from office. So thought of taking out some relevant stuff and read. And then i thought i should blog. I have mentioned it under the hobby/interest list in the mains application form. And that's how this blog popped into the world. Rather in this season i must say, I 'delivered' the blog. 

UPSC aspirant's proverbial cat

You marry and your life moves faster than you can imagine. I am no longer at jia sarai. I am in bangalore. I am jobless too. Like the schrodinger's cat in the box. The only difference is that the cat is a probability function, i.e. it may or may not exist whereas i do. Painfully. I wonder if i too can become a probability. Uncertain existence and all that. In a way i do. In a way, all civil services aspirants exist at a probabilistic level. They are in the probability world. Probably they clear the prelims, probably they appear for mains, probably they clear mains too and probably they appear for interview and by a stroke of mother of all probabilities, they get selected. Till all these probabilities work themselves out, the aspirants are in a probable daze about their future. They don't know what to do or where they stand in the world. Anyway, all that is a huge jumble to be sorted out soemtimes later, probably.

Biwi came a day before my exams got over. In fact, i had my last psychology exam on 1st nov and biwi was in my room on the previous night. She had warned me to finish my syllabus and revision (if it ever gets over) by the time she arrives. I, as usual, was halfway through. Anyway, biwi didn't disturb me as she was busy planning our holidays in himachal and goa and a trip in between to my relatives in punjab. It was a month long fun after the exam.

My exams went well (probably). And i will probably clear. And probably i will appear for interview and PROBABLY I will be selected. Let's see. I already feel like Schrodinger's cat.

Meanwhile, i have decided to continue my career in hydraulics industry where i perform best. It's time i settle down in life after all those experimenting all these years. I want to design products as that gives me a kick. I am currently evaluating where to join.

Anyway, the years spent at Jia sarai will stay with me. Whenever i look back, probably, I will remember the stinking bylanes of the sarai with nostalgia. I spent some best years of my life there, trying to unknot the complex probabilistic functions of life.

Tiru

Rumblings of a disturbed mind

RUMBLINGS OF A DISTURBED MIND

I bought "Marvin"- the cooler to my room. The heat was unbearable and biwi had come during weekend. So, I bought this second hand cooler and named it "Marvin". Marvin spreads cool air in my room when i don't switch on the water pump. Otherwise he makes the room too humid. It's rainy season here and Marvin is a desert cooler. Right now, he is sitting in a corner, waiting for me to switch him on .Yes, Marvin is 'he' and you will see the reason later.

Anyway, biwi liked Marvin. So Marvin is my competitor. What a junk to compete with, for attention. Anyway, Marvin also increases my risk of death from Dengue. Dengue carrying mosquitoes spread in stagnant water, and Marvin has three buckets of water in him, stagnant.

My preparations are going fine. Pali literature is interesting but involves lot of mugging up. Psychology is fine. GS is infinite and never gets over. So i have pushed it to the back of my brain to decrease the dissonance through decreasing the importance of completing GS.

I met Mishraji while coming back from airport after dropping biwi on Sandeep's bike. Mishraji was happy to hear that i am married. A glee spread over his balding head and the mouth smiled like yahoo emoticon, revealing the gutka stained teeth, screaming for better care.
"Mubarak ho tiruji, bahut khusi hua ee sunkar", Mishraji wished while offering me a cup of tea.
I gulped the tea while listening to his ordeals and how he is planning to clear Bihar Provincial Services Exam and while blabbering things, he accompanied me to the room. I miss biwi in the room, especially the day after she leaves. But then, i am here for few more days after which i will be back in bangalore.

I speak to Marvin. He is a good company. He just listens. Never says anything. But then i switch him on and he starts with a roar "grrrr....grrrr....grrrr....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......" and so on. I switch on his water pump and he makes sound as if he is peeing into the stagnant water pool. I find that the pipe has displaced from the coir mesh to the water side. I move it to correct location. So he has a pipe to pee. That's why Marvin is 'he' you see.

Tiru

Back to pavilion of UPSC Aspirants

Back to Pavilion

I came to Jia sarai on 11th of this month. For one final attempt. I have taken up a room. Also joined Pali coaching and am struggling with the shabda roopa of Buddha. Anyway, Jia sarai has not changed much. Only that few of my old friends are no longer there (no, they are not dead, they just left this place). Jha Ji for one, I miss.
But i don't miss Jha ji as much as i miss my wife, I mean, the girl who adopted me as her husband, roughly two months ago. I call her my wife. She calls me every now and then. Looks like she too misses me as much as i do (ignore the first comment on this blog). I have decided to drop mech engg as i was getting peanuts for score for the himalayan effort that the subject demanded. Or maybe, i am not talented enough to clear this exam with that subject. But hey, i am not here to prove that i am a good mechie. All i want is to clear this exam. And am trying to take the moderate method. Not easy, not tough too. Just like what the Buddha says after enlightenment. The middle path or the "Majjhima maggo" in pali.
Met Sasi on the way, he looked at me, smiled and said, "So, back to pavilion?". I felt as if i got out in the field of life and have come back. That too, hit wicket.
Sandeep, my ex roomy, now has someone special in his life who shares the house with him. She calls him her husband and he calls her his wife. They are married. She cooks good food.
Gowda, the blog partner on this site, is alive. He is also attending Geography coaching but has forgotten blogging. He says, he doesn't have time for that. So, here i am, typing this out, on a shitty keyboard that doesn't work, like in most jia sarai's cyber cafes' computers, sweating from all pores of my body, trying to explain to myself that this is a noble pastime. Whatever. Will be posting frequently...hopefully

tiru

UPSC aspirant's last sigh

The aspirant's last sigh

I attended my last attempt at preliminary exam yesterday. I never thought I would reach this far, i mean, till the last attempt. I am not very happy, but not very sad too. I am a veteran now. I remember when i used to look up in awe at people who were giving their last attempt. I admired their courage, the smile of knowledge on their face (or was it a smirk, at the irony of the whole thing), and spent time with them, gaping at their lips lest i miss some divine wisdom flowing out of their experienced (or fucked?) brain. Now, I am a veteran. The fouth timer. When i look at the first timers, like the ones who caught me yesterday in the break between optionals and GS, I knew why they have that shine in their eyes while speaking to me. Yes, they were looking at my fucked up face. Lest some wisdom shit oozes out of my lips and slips away and dissolves in the din of the ever vibrating ether. They wanted to catch it and make the most of it in their preparations. Or use it as lubricant to ease into the system of this examination. And I doled out shit for around 15 minutes, till the bell rang for us to get in.
Somehow, time is flying. A girl adopted me as her husband last month. I am married now. And look at the timing, I married and then went for a honeymoon to sikkim, 10 days after failing in previous mains and 25 days before the next preliminary exams. Anyway, all's well that ends well. The exam went well. In fact, in all this halla hoopla, i never realized that i failed badly in last mains. The marks make me cringe, even in my dreams. I got the marks when i was honeymooning and somehow the warmth of love sobered the shock.
Anyway, i am thinking to change my optional from mech engg to something saner. Like Pali or Philosophy. Let's see. Any suggestion in this regard is most welcome.
Yesterday, in the break, among the shit grabbers, there was one boy who asked
"Can you tell me why exactly you failed, or where you think you went wrong, as i think that would help me more than any other thing."
And I replied, "That my boy, is exactly what I am asking myself. All the time."
I have the answer, but i am not sure whether I am right or wrong. Only time will tell.

Tiru

Flunking at UPSC mains

SAD BUT TRUE....OUCH!!!

Tiru

THE CREAM OF THE SCUM

“happy va-lund-tight day”: Jha ji called me from jia sarai and chirped it into the phone.
It was Feb 14. I marveled at Jha Ji’s way of twisting even simpler words into gross sounding stuff.
I told Jha ji to keep the phone and I called back. I am working now and as I knew Jha Ji is still a civil services aspirant, and I know the pinch one feels when one has to call others on the limited monthly budget. I never used to call my friends, they called and now I do what my friends did to me. So I called Jha ji.
‘Thanks and same to you’ I said
‘To aap abhi bhi landoore ke landoore hi bane hue hain tiru ji...koi mili nahi aapko’ Jha Ji added breathlessly.

‘ab ka bataye jha ji, aap to sab jante hain.’ I replied.
‘Anyway, tiruji, I called you to just tell you that I am going home, perhaps forever’
‘why Jha Ji what happened, I think you have one more attempt if I am not wrong’
‘Nahi tiruji, that is not the case, I had lied to you. I have no more attempts left. I had exhausted it last year, I just told it to look good. I have even lied to my parents, but no more. I am ashamed of my own very existence, and I want to go home, and do something’
‘But Jha ji, what would you do. I mean, have you thought of anything?’
‘Not yet tiruji, actually I was trying for jobs, but as you see I am a BSc graduate, and not an engineer like you , and no experience too, so who will give me job? And I have this gap of 7 years after my graduation which I can’t explain’
‘But Jha ji, you always told me that you were in Jia sarai for past 4 years and not 7 years, what’s the matter, what were you doing?’
‘nahi tiruji, I was in Patna for 3 years and then came to Jia Sarai’
‘O I see, anyway Jha ji what’s the plan now’
‘Actually tiruji, No concrete plans. I am planning to do something. I don’t know what. Can you help me? I mean, can you get any job for me?. I can even come to bangalore’
‘what Jhaji, how can i give you a job.' and then the negativity of my own voice hit me. I tried to mellow it down.

'I can try Jhaji, i mean i can forward your resume to my friends and consultants but beyond that, I can’t do much Jhaji, I am afraid. But Bangalore is a big city. If you come, you will find something.’ I felt bad at my own candidness.
‘Ok tiruji, but my resume has nothing except my second class graduation 7 years ago’
‘well, don’t worry just give it to me, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, i will send it through email’
‘by the way jha ji, i would suggest you do some course like dot net or mainframe, i think if you work hard, you can get into something to start with’
‘nahi tiruji, kyon majak kar rahe hain, ab hamari umar kahan rahi kuch naya seekhne ki, humse ee nahi hoga, aap aise hi try kijiye na, to get me some job, anything would do, any salary would do as long as it is more than 10000 per month’
‘well jhaji, i can’t promise much, let me see, forward your resume, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, thanks, i will call you later’
‘ok bye Jhaji, go home for few days, enjoy and then come back, we’ll do something, bye'
‘bye tiruji’

I felt odd for Jhaji. Here he is. Jha ji, who tried for civil services for so many years and never went beyond prelims. The lure of civil services destroyed his career before it began. The takeaway from this exam, as far as my knowledge goes, for Jhaji, was probably nothing. And what disturbs me is that Jhaji is just one such case. There are others, like Jhaji, aspiring to be a civil servant, staying at Jia Sarai, Mukherjee Nagar, Rajinder Nagar, oblivious to the developments in private sector, running behind the chimera called civil services. These places are teeming with Jhajis from all over India. Also what disturbs me is that, it is people like Jhaji, who make the civil services exam, the most prestigious of all exams, they are the ones who swell the number of aspirants to more than 3 lakh every year, it is they who make the coaching business such a profitable racket, at the cost of their career and their family’s resources. If I succeed tomorrow, I will have this eerie feeling, perhpas forever, that there are thousands like Jhajis who have made my success sweeter. Or shall i say…..bitter?

Tiru

In his primary school he was a bright sudent. Through this virtue he established himself as the leader of his bachmates. He moved to another location and to a new shool for his secondary level education. Everything there was new to him. But within a week he was once again leading his peers through the display of his brightness. This gave him a feeling of "Leader-hood" or exhange of respects tilted more towards him.

But soon the situation changed. He was moved to a residential school away from his parents. The school boasted of students of calibre similar to his. In this unfamiliar waters (also for others) he struggled initially but with more instintiveness and politeness he was once again in the list of more equals among equals (a gruop of leaders).

He got carried away by this early and unexpected, unintentional happenings and status. He became complacent and started looking for maintening the reputation. He did mistake in analysing what gave him success and was completely out the track and pack. Hence the result, relegation to equals. He did not realize this until the end of schooling.

The time period between the end of school and joining the graduation was so much that it allowed him to have a lion's look and analyze what went through his life from childhood days. This gave him a new look towards life and made him to soften his style, behaviour and focus towards larger goals of life instead of mere reputation and looking for leading.

Enter the graduation stage. He was resolved to do good for himself and put more dedicaion into whatever he did. He succeeded in most of his goals and this gave him satisfaction. It is suffice to say that he was put at a higher status by everyone during his graduation which he acknowledged with a smile and did not let that to get into his head.

After few years of leading life in a career which would satisfy most of he youngsters like him if given a chance, he was feeling some uneasiness. Althoguh he was highly satisfied with whatever he did, it was not coupled with the same level of happ'y'ness.

He searched for the reason and found it !!! Better late than never.

In the Pursuit of Happ'y'ness he is once again on unfamiliar ground, playing cards with his life in which still he is a novice. The stakes already you know. (look into "A GAME WITH LIFE" - May 23, 2007)

No matter what gender you belong to, take this “Nobody is safe” in this country.
Here is a true story.

Hero (gender – male, looks - gigantic) was on his way to Tirupati. He boarded State Board bus along with his friend. A man of around 35-40 age entered the bus with family. He sat next to Hero and started snoring immediately (or acting). Once the bus started moving one hand of that man moved towards the base of Hero and started scratching it. Hero thought the feeling is becuaser of the vibration of bus. Since there was no opposition the hands tried to move towards the @55 O. Now, Hero realized the intentions of this (dirty) man who was trying to become superman (guess). He rashly pushed out that hand from his base and gave an angry look. Even in that darkness I think that man would have seen Hero’s angry face since he didn’t make any more attempts (or might got afraid of Hero).

Now, think Are You SAFE?

He was at Jia Sarai last year. He recently completed 29 years on this earth without affairs with any girl (he is oriented towards opposite sex). He tried hard to crack CS. He couldn’t succeed one time but got a rank in IES. So, he has given a try once again last year and then went back to home. His parents were very happy to see him after a gap of one and half years. They placed few photos in front of him and asked to select one among them for marriage (obviously girl’s photos). He refused to get married till he settles down properly. The discussion went for around two hours before reaching the epitome.
He (said for the nth time to his mom) – “I will marry after working for 6 months at least”.
(Frustrated) Mom – “Beta, if you have any problems of that nature then better consult a doctor immediately”!!!!!!!!!!!

He was embarrassed.
Your suggestions to Jia Sarai-ites who are in similar situation.

It’s been one week since I landed at Jia Sarai. The transition from working/Bangalorean to Studying/Delhi-ite was smooth as promised by Sandeep with whom I stay at present. I thank him and Er.OP who helped me in finding the room for rent and in purchasing other required items. It’s my second visit to Delhi which is exactly one year after my 1st. The first visit was for only 2 days and the agenda was to take guidance from the co-preparants for Civil Services. The impression that Jia Sarai presented at that time was as a place for Civil Service and IES aspirants. This influenced my decision to become one of its inhabitants. For this, I left my hometown, the job and the regular income attached with that. I felt I would be far away from my dear ones but I was mistaken. The advancement in Science and Technology and the policies have bridged the gap and made this world a global village. Now, I talk to my parents, friends and relatives at cheaper rates because of revolutionary growth seen in telecommunication field. I don’t feel the separation from them.

At Jia Sarai, I heard that the CS crowd is diminishing. Their place is being taken up by the CATs, GATEs and NETs aspirants. When I contacted a person (CSA – Civil Service Aspirant) who was looking for room partner, he was surprised that I am also a CSA. I met few others who have taken Geography as one of their optional. But I am searching for the one who has taken Public Administration for Prelims and has joined a test series. Apart from this everything is fine. I am hoping to have best result this time. By this I declare that my day at Jia Sarai has begun.

UPSC aspirant's stories - moving the baton

Tiru is off. Gowda is on. Yes, the blog control has been passed on to my friend Mr. Somashekhara Gowda (Som or Gowda for short). He is coming to Jia Sarai next month. He will stay there and prepare for civil services. With more than 5.5 years of work expeirence in corporate world and with his global experiences, he is in a better position to comment on things that matter. And yes, he was in part cajoled by me to stay at jia sarai. But it's his own decision to jump into the world of civil service aspirants.

About me? Well, i have written the mains again. All subjects, except mechanical, have shown considerable improvement. I think the mech. paper, esp. paper II was tough, but again, one can never say. So, keeping my fingers crossed.

Meanwhile i have run out of money and all that. So, literally a pauper, a parasite on family resources, here I am in bangalore, now preparing my resume afresh for jobs. Hope lady luck smiles at me. Any rich lady?? er....I won't even mind if some rich pop singer decides to adopt me (Are you listening Madonna?). Jokes apart, It is tough to look at others to provide for my food. I am really grateful to my friends and family members who silently suffered me these two years. Hope i don't dash it this time.

Thanks for those unknown friends too who commented on this blog site and kept my tempo up. I made quite some new contacts through my blogs. With this, I pass on to Mr. Gowda. Gowdare, please keep the site running.

And yes, if anyone else wants to author on this blogsite, do let us know. We would be happy to include them in the authors list. But you must be staying/have stayed in Jia Sarai/Rajinder nagar/Mukherjee Nagar or any other hellholes in India and should be preparing/have prepared for civil services exam.

Tiru

Moving out of Jia Sarai

The last blog

My stay at Jia Sarai has come to an end. I am now moving to bangalore. Have decided to appear for the mains this time from bangalore. This place has taught me a lot of things. The places do not have emotions they say. It's the bonding created by one's thought process that gives attachment to places. I was hooked to this place in my short stay of one and a half years. I made new friends, i saw joys of success, i have seen the despair of repeated failures. I have seen the demographic change of jia sarai popoulation from predominantly IAS aspirants to assorted crowd that now resides here.

I was enjoying one of my last chai suttas out here on the penultimate day of leaving. I saw an autorickshaw chug along the small lanes. A boy got down with his luggage. He had the shine in his eyes. The dreams to make it. His friend who seemed to be waiting in anticipation hugged and welcomed him and they both trotted inside Jia sarai. I remembered the 'tiru' who had arrived with a similar shine in his eyes a year and half ago. I might have failed to make it, but i have learnt something more. It's about the spirit to fight. It has nothing to do with winning or losing. It's about participating. It's about standing tall in failures. It's about keeping the cool in successes. It's about enjoying the journey more than arriving at the destination. It's about life and the proper way of living.

I failed in making it this time. But I succeeded in learning the right lessons. I thank God for failing me. The failure, I believe, is teaching me more than what the success might have taught. I have the courage to pick up the twigs from the shattered dreams and build, step by step, brick by brick, the lost dream. I am doing it right now. One day, I might shine in the glory, or i may go down unnoticed into the oblivion. Nevertheless, I will have one satisfaction. I stood by my dreams and I fought till my last breath in what I believed. It's that courage to face the life that I have learnt at Jia sarai.

May the coming generations of Jia sarai students succeed in their aspirations. With wishes and a heavy heart, I left Jia sarai in the early morning of 31st may 2007. Alone, a loser, with no results to show but like a fighter who looks forward to his next fight. Thank you Jia sarai. May God bless you.

Tiru