Rumblings of a disturbed mind

RUMBLINGS OF A DISTURBED MIND

I bought "Marvin"- the cooler to my room. The heat was unbearable and biwi had come during weekend. So, I bought this second hand cooler and named it "Marvin". Marvin spreads cool air in my room when i don't switch on the water pump. Otherwise he makes the room too humid. It's rainy season here and Marvin is a desert cooler. Right now, he is sitting in a corner, waiting for me to switch him on .Yes, Marvin is 'he' and you will see the reason later.

Anyway, biwi liked Marvin. So Marvin is my competitor. What a junk to compete with, for attention. Anyway, Marvin also increases my risk of death from Dengue. Dengue carrying mosquitoes spread in stagnant water, and Marvin has three buckets of water in him, stagnant.

My preparations are going fine. Pali literature is interesting but involves lot of mugging up. Psychology is fine. GS is infinite and never gets over. So i have pushed it to the back of my brain to decrease the dissonance through decreasing the importance of completing GS.

I met Mishraji while coming back from airport after dropping biwi on Sandeep's bike. Mishraji was happy to hear that i am married. A glee spread over his balding head and the mouth smiled like yahoo emoticon, revealing the gutka stained teeth, screaming for better care.
"Mubarak ho tiruji, bahut khusi hua ee sunkar", Mishraji wished while offering me a cup of tea.
I gulped the tea while listening to his ordeals and how he is planning to clear Bihar Provincial Services Exam and while blabbering things, he accompanied me to the room. I miss biwi in the room, especially the day after she leaves. But then, i am here for few more days after which i will be back in bangalore.

I speak to Marvin. He is a good company. He just listens. Never says anything. But then i switch him on and he starts with a roar "grrrr....grrrr....grrrr....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......" and so on. I switch on his water pump and he makes sound as if he is peeing into the stagnant water pool. I find that the pipe has displaced from the coir mesh to the water side. I move it to correct location. So he has a pipe to pee. That's why Marvin is 'he' you see.

Tiru

Back to pavilion of UPSC Aspirants

Back to Pavilion

I came to Jia sarai on 11th of this month. For one final attempt. I have taken up a room. Also joined Pali coaching and am struggling with the shabda roopa of Buddha. Anyway, Jia sarai has not changed much. Only that few of my old friends are no longer there (no, they are not dead, they just left this place). Jha Ji for one, I miss.
But i don't miss Jha ji as much as i miss my wife, I mean, the girl who adopted me as her husband, roughly two months ago. I call her my wife. She calls me every now and then. Looks like she too misses me as much as i do (ignore the first comment on this blog). I have decided to drop mech engg as i was getting peanuts for score for the himalayan effort that the subject demanded. Or maybe, i am not talented enough to clear this exam with that subject. But hey, i am not here to prove that i am a good mechie. All i want is to clear this exam. And am trying to take the moderate method. Not easy, not tough too. Just like what the Buddha says after enlightenment. The middle path or the "Majjhima maggo" in pali.
Met Sasi on the way, he looked at me, smiled and said, "So, back to pavilion?". I felt as if i got out in the field of life and have come back. That too, hit wicket.
Sandeep, my ex roomy, now has someone special in his life who shares the house with him. She calls him her husband and he calls her his wife. They are married. She cooks good food.
Gowda, the blog partner on this site, is alive. He is also attending Geography coaching but has forgotten blogging. He says, he doesn't have time for that. So, here i am, typing this out, on a shitty keyboard that doesn't work, like in most jia sarai's cyber cafes' computers, sweating from all pores of my body, trying to explain to myself that this is a noble pastime. Whatever. Will be posting frequently...hopefully

tiru

UPSC aspirant's last sigh

The aspirant's last sigh

I attended my last attempt at preliminary exam yesterday. I never thought I would reach this far, i mean, till the last attempt. I am not very happy, but not very sad too. I am a veteran now. I remember when i used to look up in awe at people who were giving their last attempt. I admired their courage, the smile of knowledge on their face (or was it a smirk, at the irony of the whole thing), and spent time with them, gaping at their lips lest i miss some divine wisdom flowing out of their experienced (or fucked?) brain. Now, I am a veteran. The fouth timer. When i look at the first timers, like the ones who caught me yesterday in the break between optionals and GS, I knew why they have that shine in their eyes while speaking to me. Yes, they were looking at my fucked up face. Lest some wisdom shit oozes out of my lips and slips away and dissolves in the din of the ever vibrating ether. They wanted to catch it and make the most of it in their preparations. Or use it as lubricant to ease into the system of this examination. And I doled out shit for around 15 minutes, till the bell rang for us to get in.
Somehow, time is flying. A girl adopted me as her husband last month. I am married now. And look at the timing, I married and then went for a honeymoon to sikkim, 10 days after failing in previous mains and 25 days before the next preliminary exams. Anyway, all's well that ends well. The exam went well. In fact, in all this halla hoopla, i never realized that i failed badly in last mains. The marks make me cringe, even in my dreams. I got the marks when i was honeymooning and somehow the warmth of love sobered the shock.
Anyway, i am thinking to change my optional from mech engg to something saner. Like Pali or Philosophy. Let's see. Any suggestion in this regard is most welcome.
Yesterday, in the break, among the shit grabbers, there was one boy who asked
"Can you tell me why exactly you failed, or where you think you went wrong, as i think that would help me more than any other thing."
And I replied, "That my boy, is exactly what I am asking myself. All the time."
I have the answer, but i am not sure whether I am right or wrong. Only time will tell.

Tiru

Flunking at UPSC mains

SAD BUT TRUE....OUCH!!!

Tiru

THE CREAM OF THE SCUM

“happy va-lund-tight day”: Jha ji called me from jia sarai and chirped it into the phone.
It was Feb 14. I marveled at Jha Ji’s way of twisting even simpler words into gross sounding stuff.
I told Jha ji to keep the phone and I called back. I am working now and as I knew Jha Ji is still a civil services aspirant, and I know the pinch one feels when one has to call others on the limited monthly budget. I never used to call my friends, they called and now I do what my friends did to me. So I called Jha ji.
‘Thanks and same to you’ I said
‘To aap abhi bhi landoore ke landoore hi bane hue hain tiru ji...koi mili nahi aapko’ Jha Ji added breathlessly.

‘ab ka bataye jha ji, aap to sab jante hain.’ I replied.
‘Anyway, tiruji, I called you to just tell you that I am going home, perhaps forever’
‘why Jha Ji what happened, I think you have one more attempt if I am not wrong’
‘Nahi tiruji, that is not the case, I had lied to you. I have no more attempts left. I had exhausted it last year, I just told it to look good. I have even lied to my parents, but no more. I am ashamed of my own very existence, and I want to go home, and do something’
‘But Jha ji, what would you do. I mean, have you thought of anything?’
‘Not yet tiruji, actually I was trying for jobs, but as you see I am a BSc graduate, and not an engineer like you , and no experience too, so who will give me job? And I have this gap of 7 years after my graduation which I can’t explain’
‘But Jha ji, you always told me that you were in Jia sarai for past 4 years and not 7 years, what’s the matter, what were you doing?’
‘nahi tiruji, I was in Patna for 3 years and then came to Jia Sarai’
‘O I see, anyway Jha ji what’s the plan now’
‘Actually tiruji, No concrete plans. I am planning to do something. I don’t know what. Can you help me? I mean, can you get any job for me?. I can even come to bangalore’
‘what Jhaji, how can i give you a job.' and then the negativity of my own voice hit me. I tried to mellow it down.

'I can try Jhaji, i mean i can forward your resume to my friends and consultants but beyond that, I can’t do much Jhaji, I am afraid. But Bangalore is a big city. If you come, you will find something.’ I felt bad at my own candidness.
‘Ok tiruji, but my resume has nothing except my second class graduation 7 years ago’
‘well, don’t worry just give it to me, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, i will send it through email’
‘by the way jha ji, i would suggest you do some course like dot net or mainframe, i think if you work hard, you can get into something to start with’
‘nahi tiruji, kyon majak kar rahe hain, ab hamari umar kahan rahi kuch naya seekhne ki, humse ee nahi hoga, aap aise hi try kijiye na, to get me some job, anything would do, any salary would do as long as it is more than 10000 per month’
‘well jhaji, i can’t promise much, let me see, forward your resume, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, thanks, i will call you later’
‘ok bye Jhaji, go home for few days, enjoy and then come back, we’ll do something, bye'
‘bye tiruji’

I felt odd for Jhaji. Here he is. Jha ji, who tried for civil services for so many years and never went beyond prelims. The lure of civil services destroyed his career before it began. The takeaway from this exam, as far as my knowledge goes, for Jhaji, was probably nothing. And what disturbs me is that Jhaji is just one such case. There are others, like Jhaji, aspiring to be a civil servant, staying at Jia Sarai, Mukherjee Nagar, Rajinder Nagar, oblivious to the developments in private sector, running behind the chimera called civil services. These places are teeming with Jhajis from all over India. Also what disturbs me is that, it is people like Jhaji, who make the civil services exam, the most prestigious of all exams, they are the ones who swell the number of aspirants to more than 3 lakh every year, it is they who make the coaching business such a profitable racket, at the cost of their career and their family’s resources. If I succeed tomorrow, I will have this eerie feeling, perhpas forever, that there are thousands like Jhajis who have made my success sweeter. Or shall i say…..bitter?

Tiru

In his primary school he was a bright sudent. Through this virtue he established himself as the leader of his bachmates. He moved to another location and to a new shool for his secondary level education. Everything there was new to him. But within a week he was once again leading his peers through the display of his brightness. This gave him a feeling of "Leader-hood" or exhange of respects tilted more towards him.

But soon the situation changed. He was moved to a residential school away from his parents. The school boasted of students of calibre similar to his. In this unfamiliar waters (also for others) he struggled initially but with more instintiveness and politeness he was once again in the list of more equals among equals (a gruop of leaders).

He got carried away by this early and unexpected, unintentional happenings and status. He became complacent and started looking for maintening the reputation. He did mistake in analysing what gave him success and was completely out the track and pack. Hence the result, relegation to equals. He did not realize this until the end of schooling.

The time period between the end of school and joining the graduation was so much that it allowed him to have a lion's look and analyze what went through his life from childhood days. This gave him a new look towards life and made him to soften his style, behaviour and focus towards larger goals of life instead of mere reputation and looking for leading.

Enter the graduation stage. He was resolved to do good for himself and put more dedicaion into whatever he did. He succeeded in most of his goals and this gave him satisfaction. It is suffice to say that he was put at a higher status by everyone during his graduation which he acknowledged with a smile and did not let that to get into his head.

After few years of leading life in a career which would satisfy most of he youngsters like him if given a chance, he was feeling some uneasiness. Althoguh he was highly satisfied with whatever he did, it was not coupled with the same level of happ'y'ness.

He searched for the reason and found it !!! Better late than never.

In the Pursuit of Happ'y'ness he is once again on unfamiliar ground, playing cards with his life in which still he is a novice. The stakes already you know. (look into "A GAME WITH LIFE" - May 23, 2007)

No matter what gender you belong to, take this “Nobody is safe” in this country.
Here is a true story.

Hero (gender – male, looks - gigantic) was on his way to Tirupati. He boarded State Board bus along with his friend. A man of around 35-40 age entered the bus with family. He sat next to Hero and started snoring immediately (or acting). Once the bus started moving one hand of that man moved towards the base of Hero and started scratching it. Hero thought the feeling is becuaser of the vibration of bus. Since there was no opposition the hands tried to move towards the @55 O. Now, Hero realized the intentions of this (dirty) man who was trying to become superman (guess). He rashly pushed out that hand from his base and gave an angry look. Even in that darkness I think that man would have seen Hero’s angry face since he didn’t make any more attempts (or might got afraid of Hero).

Now, think Are You SAFE?

He was at Jia Sarai last year. He recently completed 29 years on this earth without affairs with any girl (he is oriented towards opposite sex). He tried hard to crack CS. He couldn’t succeed one time but got a rank in IES. So, he has given a try once again last year and then went back to home. His parents were very happy to see him after a gap of one and half years. They placed few photos in front of him and asked to select one among them for marriage (obviously girl’s photos). He refused to get married till he settles down properly. The discussion went for around two hours before reaching the epitome.
He (said for the nth time to his mom) – “I will marry after working for 6 months at least”.
(Frustrated) Mom – “Beta, if you have any problems of that nature then better consult a doctor immediately”!!!!!!!!!!!

He was embarrassed.
Your suggestions to Jia Sarai-ites who are in similar situation.

It’s been one week since I landed at Jia Sarai. The transition from working/Bangalorean to Studying/Delhi-ite was smooth as promised by Sandeep with whom I stay at present. I thank him and Er.OP who helped me in finding the room for rent and in purchasing other required items. It’s my second visit to Delhi which is exactly one year after my 1st. The first visit was for only 2 days and the agenda was to take guidance from the co-preparants for Civil Services. The impression that Jia Sarai presented at that time was as a place for Civil Service and IES aspirants. This influenced my decision to become one of its inhabitants. For this, I left my hometown, the job and the regular income attached with that. I felt I would be far away from my dear ones but I was mistaken. The advancement in Science and Technology and the policies have bridged the gap and made this world a global village. Now, I talk to my parents, friends and relatives at cheaper rates because of revolutionary growth seen in telecommunication field. I don’t feel the separation from them.

At Jia Sarai, I heard that the CS crowd is diminishing. Their place is being taken up by the CATs, GATEs and NETs aspirants. When I contacted a person (CSA – Civil Service Aspirant) who was looking for room partner, he was surprised that I am also a CSA. I met few others who have taken Geography as one of their optional. But I am searching for the one who has taken Public Administration for Prelims and has joined a test series. Apart from this everything is fine. I am hoping to have best result this time. By this I declare that my day at Jia Sarai has begun.

UPSC aspirant's stories - moving the baton

Tiru is off. Gowda is on. Yes, the blog control has been passed on to my friend Mr. Somashekhara Gowda (Som or Gowda for short). He is coming to Jia Sarai next month. He will stay there and prepare for civil services. With more than 5.5 years of work expeirence in corporate world and with his global experiences, he is in a better position to comment on things that matter. And yes, he was in part cajoled by me to stay at jia sarai. But it's his own decision to jump into the world of civil service aspirants.

About me? Well, i have written the mains again. All subjects, except mechanical, have shown considerable improvement. I think the mech. paper, esp. paper II was tough, but again, one can never say. So, keeping my fingers crossed.

Meanwhile i have run out of money and all that. So, literally a pauper, a parasite on family resources, here I am in bangalore, now preparing my resume afresh for jobs. Hope lady luck smiles at me. Any rich lady?? er....I won't even mind if some rich pop singer decides to adopt me (Are you listening Madonna?). Jokes apart, It is tough to look at others to provide for my food. I am really grateful to my friends and family members who silently suffered me these two years. Hope i don't dash it this time.

Thanks for those unknown friends too who commented on this blog site and kept my tempo up. I made quite some new contacts through my blogs. With this, I pass on to Mr. Gowda. Gowdare, please keep the site running.

And yes, if anyone else wants to author on this blogsite, do let us know. We would be happy to include them in the authors list. But you must be staying/have stayed in Jia Sarai/Rajinder nagar/Mukherjee Nagar or any other hellholes in India and should be preparing/have prepared for civil services exam.

Tiru

Moving out of Jia Sarai

The last blog

My stay at Jia Sarai has come to an end. I am now moving to bangalore. Have decided to appear for the mains this time from bangalore. This place has taught me a lot of things. The places do not have emotions they say. It's the bonding created by one's thought process that gives attachment to places. I was hooked to this place in my short stay of one and a half years. I made new friends, i saw joys of success, i have seen the despair of repeated failures. I have seen the demographic change of jia sarai popoulation from predominantly IAS aspirants to assorted crowd that now resides here.

I was enjoying one of my last chai suttas out here on the penultimate day of leaving. I saw an autorickshaw chug along the small lanes. A boy got down with his luggage. He had the shine in his eyes. The dreams to make it. His friend who seemed to be waiting in anticipation hugged and welcomed him and they both trotted inside Jia sarai. I remembered the 'tiru' who had arrived with a similar shine in his eyes a year and half ago. I might have failed to make it, but i have learnt something more. It's about the spirit to fight. It has nothing to do with winning or losing. It's about participating. It's about standing tall in failures. It's about keeping the cool in successes. It's about enjoying the journey more than arriving at the destination. It's about life and the proper way of living.

I failed in making it this time. But I succeeded in learning the right lessons. I thank God for failing me. The failure, I believe, is teaching me more than what the success might have taught. I have the courage to pick up the twigs from the shattered dreams and build, step by step, brick by brick, the lost dream. I am doing it right now. One day, I might shine in the glory, or i may go down unnoticed into the oblivion. Nevertheless, I will have one satisfaction. I stood by my dreams and I fought till my last breath in what I believed. It's that courage to face the life that I have learnt at Jia sarai.

May the coming generations of Jia sarai students succeed in their aspirations. With wishes and a heavy heart, I left Jia sarai in the early morning of 31st may 2007. Alone, a loser, with no results to show but like a fighter who looks forward to his next fight. Thank you Jia sarai. May God bless you.

Tiru

UPSC final score card

My Engineering Services Interview (Mechanical Engineering)

Ms. Chokila Iyer’s board interviewed me on 21st May 2007. I was the very first candidate to be interviewed this year. I was wearing a navy blue trouser and an off-white shirt with a matching tie of blue color with red dots. The helper opened the door and told me to go into the boardroom. I stopped near the door and my eyes met the chairman’s. She indicated me to come in. I went in and wished the members after which the chair indicated me to sit down. I thanked her and took my seat.
(for sake of simplicity CM stands for chairman Ms. Chokila Iyer, M1, M2 and M3 represent the other three male members present)
CM: Mr. Tirumala, I see from your profile that you have some work experience. Why did you leave your job?
Tiru: I left the job to prepare for civil services ma’m.
CM: I see, so you left the job to prepare for civil services. Anyway, I guess you would have come here by train. Am I correct?
Tiru: No madam, actually I am currently staying at Delhi and didn’t come from my hometown.
CM: Anyway, you must have traveled by train sometime. So I want to know whether you have observed lately that concrete sleepers are replacing the wooden sleepers being used earlier. What do you think about it? What is the advantage of concrete over wood?
Tiru: Madam, wood (lignum vitae) absorbs moisture and slowly loses its strength. India, being a tropical country, receives a lot of rainfall and this proves detrimental to life of wooden sleepers. Concrete sleepers do not have this problem.
CM: OK, thinking from environment point of view, what do you feel?
Tiru: Wood is renewable madam, as specific trees can be grown to meet the requirements but the metal such as iron used in reinforced concrete cannot be replaced, once used.
CM: You might be reading newspapers. What do you think about global warming? Do you think people are concerned?
Tiru: Yes madam, Global warming has taken up serious proportions now and it’s high time we take hard decisions to stop it. And yes, people are now very concerned which I feel is very correct. We now hear every other day about Green peace, Kyoto protocol, Carbon trading etc.
CM indicates to other members that she has finished asking questions and other members can now ask questions.
M1: So, I see that your hobbies are blogging and reading books. Don’t you think these two are contradictory?
Tiru: No sir, in fact I believe to be a good blogger or writer a person has to read a lot of books. The books give man perspectives on various issues. The books stimulate thinking and only then ideas come out which become material for blogging or writing.
M1: Do you write blogs online?
Tiru: yes sir, I maintain three blog sites. (I tell the details of my blog sites and what I write in them)
M2: You initially worked with Wipro. What were you doing there?
Tiru: Sir I was working at Wipro fluid power. (I explain my roles and responsibilities)
M2: Tirumala, what is the relation between global warming, ozone hole and the refrigerators we use?
Tiru: Sir, ozone hole is a side effect of pollution and global warming. Some refrigerants which contain chlorine in them e.g. Freon group react with ozone and break them into oxygen and this leads to formation of ozone hole. That is the reason why now a days such refrigerants are being phased out and we are moving towards chlorine free refrigerants like R134-a.
M2: But do you know that ozone hole has formed over Antarctica. Why has it not formed over US, Europe or India?
Tiru: Sir, it is not that the effect of pollution or global warming should be felt in the immediate vicinity. There are surface winds which moves all over the world and even the ocean currents move. Therefore, the effect of US’s pollution might be manifested anywhere in the world. This is true of any place and in any case sir, it is good that the hole has formed over Antarctica. Had it formed on our country, we would have been in trouble.
CM: Tirumala, you were working earlier. I see that you last worked as a senior design engineer at Eaton industries before leaving it. What were you doing there?
Tiru: (I explained my complete job profile which involved product development in hydraulics field)
M2: So you worked on gear pumps too. What type of gear do they use in gear pumps? What is the profile? Is it same as the one in industry?
Tiru: Yes sir, we too use involute profile but with a positive addendum correction.
M2: Can you show me how an involute profile is generated? Please draw it on the paper.
Tiru: (I draw it and show), Sir, this is the base circle and this is the generating line that rolls without slipping on it. Any point on it traces the involute curve.
M2: How do you manufacture involute gears?
Tiru: Sir, for mass production, we use hobbing. However, we can also go for simple shaping or milling too. But they are slow.
M2: What is the difference between hobbing and gear shaping?
Tiru: Sir, the principal is same except that the tool shape in hobbing is such that the cutting motion is continuous. The teeth are wound over a cylinder.
M2: Ok, can you tell me something about hydraulic pumps? What is a positive displacement pump and is there anything called negative displacement pump?
Tiru: Sir, there is nothing called negative displacement pump. We have positive or non-positive displacement pumps. The difference lies in the principle of operation. The positive pumps generate pressure by reducing the volume occupied by the fluid. The non-positive ones work on generating the pressure head by consuming the kinetic head as per Bernoulli’s equation.
M3: I see that you were also into bodybuilding and power lifting? What is the difference and use of these sports?
Tiru: (I explain)
M2: But bodybuilding is not a team sport. Don’t you think it is better to play team sport to develop team spirit?
Tiru: (I defend and accept the view of the member)
M3: Can you compare yoga with bodybuilding?
Tiru: (I compare and enumerate advantages and disadvantages of both)
M3: Regarding the question madam asked about wooden and concrete sleepers, I want to ask you one more thing. What is the advantage of wood over concrete?
Tiru: I don’t know exactly sir.
M3: What do you think about vibrations?
Tiru: Yes sir, wood is a better damper than concrete.
M3: So what should be done if we use concrete?
Tiru: Then we have to introduce dampers sir.
M3: Yes, we have to use dampers. Good. As you have worked in the field of fluid power, can you define what is a fluid?
Tiru: An ideal fluid is one which doesn’t offer any shear resistance i.e. no shear strain gradient is formed when subjected to shear stress. However, generally fluids form a strain gradient based on Newton’s law of viscosity as they deviate from ideal.
M3: Is air fluid?
Tiru: Yes sir, Air is a fluid.
The members indicate to the chairman that they have finished asking questions.
Chairman: Thank you Mr. Tirumala. Your interview is now over. You may leave now.
Tiru: thank you madam, thank you sirs.

I got up and walked out of the room. The interview lasted around 20 minutes.


Tiru
(I got through this exam. All India 38th Rank. The results came on 8th June 2007)

UPSC failure sinking in

ZOR KA JHATKA, DHEERE SE LAGA…

I caught an auto and Sandeep, my roommate, accompanied me to UPSC on the day the results came. There was already a crowd standing outside and checking their results. We rushed to the spot. It was crowded but we jostled and reached near the board. I started from the top. I first checked if I have topped the exam. Grrrr…. It was not my name. Fine, let me see in top 50. I started sweating when I didn’t see my name in top 50. So, I am not an IAS. Let me see next 50 if I am at least an IPS. Tough luck again. Then I patiently went through complete list of 474. I was not there; I mean, my name was not there. I checked again. Sandeep too was sulking, feeling wretched. His anguish at me failing appeared more than mine. He always believed that I would qualify. He looked at me, I grinned back. I told him to come out of the crowd. He wanted to check again. I said, no use, just come out. He came out.

We walked silently on the footpath. There were TV channels with their trucks and some reporters (including couple of beautiful ones) lining up outside UPSC to interview the toppers or those who qualified. We decided to hold on for some time. We lit up cigarettes and smoked. The cameras were rolling for successful candidates. I could have been one of them. I daydreamed giving an interview to one of the beautiful reporters. Then the absurdity of my situation stuck me and the feeling of self-loathing took over. I controlled. I called up home and told my parents. I got SMSes from the friends, some asking about results and some cheering me up for next time. In fact, I took it very lightly. The failure didn’t sink in. I was feeling fine. We caught an auto till IIT Junction, near Sandeep's office. Sandeep went back to office to do the remaining time;  I walked back into Jia Sarai. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of what had happened. I had another sutta and chai. Sank into my room. One by one guys came over to express sympathy. They wore dead expressions as if they, and not I, had failed. I in fact enjoyed looking at them. I couldn’t mourn the failure as I had prelims coming up after 5 days and I had Engineering Services interview lined up the very next morning after prelims.

Now, everything is over, my roommate has gone home. I am packing my books and baggage to shift to Bangalore. I have decided to appear this mains exam from Bangalore. Now, slowly the magnitude of failure is sinking in. I sit whole day in my room and stare blankly at the walls. I get bored. I lie down and look at the ceiling. I get up again and stare at the walls. The pain has gone beyond threshold of perception. I am numb. I am taking a break from books. I need it to recharge my brain. I roam around Jia Sarai, my last few days out here. This place taught me all about competitions. This place is now trying to teach me to live with failures. Yes, nothing has changed. Just that I have failed. Even my internal organs are working fine. The birds are flying, the sky is blue, and the trees are green. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. Will it change if I die? No, nothing would change. Life would continue. Only I would change. How personal and how mean the failures are. It only affects the person involved.
Anyway, I am too numb to write blogs. Just blabbering something. I saw some comments on my previous blogs that really made me feel better. I thank the souls for leaving such encouraging words in comments. It sure helps when one is down. But I will bounce back. This exam has caught me pants down. I will not rest till I change the situation. But if someone said "Zor ka jhatka, dheere se lage", he was talking about civil services exam results.

Failed!!!

A GAME WITH LIFE

I was strolling down the road, whistling some tune, and i saw life coming towards me. Life looked at me, stroked its chin and smiled. I returned the smile. Then we started speaking,
"How 'bout a game of cards buddy?" Life asked
"mmmm...why not?'" I replied
"OK, but there's no fun if there is nothing at stake, let's have something at stake"
"Can you elaborate?"
"I mean, if you win, I will be your servant and serve you, you will be happy and if you lose, you would lose all your savings and a couple of years of your life, fair deal, ain't it?"
"But i am already happy and i think you are already serving me well"
"Nope, you can't be happy for long like this, take my word on that and besides, I promise that you would enjoy the game" Life pleaded
"Fine, I like adventures and if the game is enjoyable, let's play"
The game started. It went long. With every passing round, the stakes increased. All my saved money, a year and half of my life, hard work of 10 hours per day, my little joys, everything was on the table. On life's side, there were only promises which I couldn't see. But i knew that life never lies. Finally, we called it a show. I showed my cards. Life showed it's cards. My heart sank.

I failed to make it to final merit list of UPSC Civil services exam.

tiru

MY IAS INTERVIEW

I was interviewed by the UPSC by Air Marshal (Retd.) Satish Govind Inamdar's Board on 2nd of April 2007. I was scheduled to be interviewed in the afternoon session and was called to report at 1.15 PM. My interview started at 5. 30 PM in the evening and I was the fourth candidate to be interviewed that afternoon. It lasted for a little more than half an hour (in contrast to previous candidates who were interviewed for 45 or more minutes each).

I was wearing standard formal dress. A navy blue pant, white shirt with a bluish tinge and was sporting a half Windsor knot on my tie to give a confident look. My shoes were shining and my hairs and nails were neatly cut. In short, a perfectly conventional look for the job I aspired for. While waiting outside I remembered all the Gods that I have come across in my life. I did a bit of 'Baba Ramdev' brand pranayam too. That cooled me down a lot. The previous candidate came out and was wearing a sad look. I asked him what happened. He told me that the board is asking a lot of useless factual questions. In fact they asked him the per capita income of Russia (I came to know later that this guy was doing PhD on Russia). The bell rang and the peon indicated me to go in. I opened the door gently and before I finished my standard 'May I come in Sir?", the chairman called me in.

The room was quite big and the table was almost round and majestic. There were five people seated around it with one chair was empty (for me!). I walked with a smile and long steps. The table was around 7 steps from the door. The chairman told me to take the seat as I was walking down but I stood near my chair, saw that one of the members is a lady, wished her first and then wished the others and only then took my seat. (I speak loud and my voice boomed in this room or so I felt under pressure.) The chairman looked quite younger than what I had thought. He should be around 64 years as per websites but he looked not a day older than 50. He had quite a presence on the table and had a dominating appearance.

(for the sake of simplicity, CM stands for chairman, M1 is the lady member, M2, M3 and M4 are other male members)

CM: So you are Tirumala

Tiru: Yes Sir.

CM: Date of Birth?

Tiru: 23 Dec 78 sir

CM: Place?

Tiru: Shimoga sir

CM: Good.

CM: Tiru or Thiru?

Tiru: Tiru sir.

CM: What's the difference?

Tiru: Sir, It is not 'tha' but 'ta' (the pronunciation was in Hindi script) and my name being with 'ti' and not 'thi'

M1: OK, but how does TTD spell it?

Tiru: Sir they call it Tiru and not Thiru.

CM: What were you doing in Dhanbad?

Tiru: Sir, My father was in Central Industrial Security force and hence liable to be transferred all over India. As we stayed with him...X (I was stopped here)

CM: Oh, CISF?

Tiru: Yes Sir

CM: You are an Engineer then why do you want to be a Civil Servant?

Tiru: Sir, given an opportunity the best will move towards the best. (I had heard it from senior candidate) Moreover, the depth and breadth of experience that a person gets in civil services cannot be matched by any other job. One also gets an opportunity to serve the society in an effective way and that's why I want to become a civil servant.

CM: Do you say that non Engineers are not fit to be civil servants?

Tiru: No sir

CM: So you mean to say that non Engineers too can become civil servants?

Tiru: Sure Sir.

CM: But in order to be an Engineer, you have taken a seat which would have otherwise gone to someone else and he would have served the industry whereas you have decided to leave it? what do you say?

Tiru: Sir, In Karnataka, many seats remain vacant every year in many colleges and as such I don't think I have taken any one's share.

CM: You mean to say that the number of candidates are less than the number of seats in Karnataka?

Tiru: yes sir, it is so even in Tamil Nadu.

(Another member was nodding the head in affirmative while I said this and CM looked at him and understood that I am not lying)

CM: You passed out in 2002. This is 2007. What were you doing all these days?

Tiru: Sir, I was campus selected into Wipro fluid power in bangalore while in college and after college I worked with Wipro for two years and then changed my job and worked with Eaton Industries in Pune for 1 and half years. In Nov 2005 I quit that job and came to Delhi to prepare for civil services.

CM: Why Delhi?

Tiru: Sir, it is because in Delhi one get good material for stu...X (X symbol will mean that i was stopped at that point)

CM: Material?

Tiru: Yes sir, study material like books, magazines etc.

CM: Fine. (Looks towards the members and gestures them to ask questions)

M1 (lady member): I see that you had psychology as one of your optionals. How did you find it? Was in interesting?

Tiru: yes mam, it was very interesting.

M1: How many papers you had in psychology?

Tiru: 2 papers mam

M1: What were they?

Tiru: The first paper was on principles and theories of psychology and the second paper was on applied psychology.

M1: How will you apply psychology in administration?

Tiru: Mam applied psychology deals extensively in organizational behavior. The knowledge will come in handy to run any part of the administrative setup. The knowledge of various motivation theories will give me a chance to motivate my team to perform better. I also know community psychology. It is the application of psychological principles to solve social problems so that people can grow and realize their potential....X

M1: Why did you leave your job? Do you think you were a misfit there and that's why you want to move to civil services?

Tiru: No mam, in fact i was doing very well. I was a certified green belt in Six Sigma and my roles and responsibilities were growing every day...X

M1: What's your first option?

Tiru: IAS mam

M1: Why not IFS?

Tiru: (thinking for two seconds). Mam, to tell it in engineering terms, it all boils down to the leverage effect. An IAS (i lift my hands and place one finger of one hand on another finger of other hand to form a see saw lever) officer has a bigger leverage to work for society compared to IFS. The fulcrum position is better in his case. And mam, though I am proud to represent my country as an IFS, still I would prefer IAS due to this reason. However, it doesn't mean that I look down upon IFS. I consider both equally respectful. However the canvas to paint for an IAS is much bigger in scope due to the breadth and depth of the job.....X

CM: what is this breadth, depth and such terms? Did they teach you this in mock interviews or is it your own words? You know, coaching institutes and such places.

Tiru: (Smiling), Sir I don't believe in mocks or coaching as they are run now. These words are very much my own. In fact even to understand psychology I went to a reputed professor in Delhi University rather than going to run of the mill institutes. (The CM was looking at me as if he was expecting some more words on it but I kept quiet. I felt I had already spoken too much. He looked towards M2 and M2 takes over)

M2: So Tirumala, I saw that you said you can serve the society in an 'effective' way. What do you mean by that. What is effective?

Tiru: Sir, as an engineer I have a scientific approach towards any issue. As I said sir, I am a green belt in six sigma and that gives me a very effective tool to tackle processes....X

M2: Do you know anything about inflatable solar collector?

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M2: It's OK. Do you know about C A D and C A M. Can you tell me what is the advantages by using it?

Tiru: Sir, CAD stands for computer aided design and CAM stands for computer aided manufacturing but the latest buzz is CIM which stands for computer integrated manufacturing. It utilizes the synergies of CAD and CAM with an automated manufacturing setup. One can make a model using a CAD tool like Unigraphics and can readily export it after converting it to NC codes which is an inbuilt feature of the regular CAD tools and it goes to manufacturing....X

M2: You are explaining the process. I know it, can you tell me the advantages?

Tiru: yes sir, the errors comes down as the NC programming is automatic, that's number one. Number two, the total time from design to manufacturing comes down in such a setup and number three, because of these two the turnover time decreases and customer satisfaction increases.

M2: Good.

Tiru: thank you sir.

(when i was answering i was looking at all the members one by one and when i looked at the chairman, he indicated by hand to look at the member who asked the question and i devoted more time to M2 while answering his question)

M2: Tirumala, Rajiv Gandhi once said that out of every rupee allotted for the schemes, only 17 paise reaches the intended and remaining is wasted. What is your take on this sentence?

Tiru: Sir, When Raviv Gandhi said that, he was talking about our system. What he meant was that the system is so huge that the inertia and friction itself takes up so much money. He was not talking of corruption here but about the size of the system, the salaries to be given to people in it, the money that goes in maintaining files etc...X

M2: Don't call it system, call it delivery mechanism...and yes you are correct there but do you have any suggestions to bypass this mechanism so that this wastage is not there?

(I took a moment to think...around 2 seconds)

M2: Don't worry, you can take your own time...write it down if you wish..

Tiru: Thank you sir, I think decentralization is one answer. Sir, the funds can be directly allotted to grass root level panchayats. They can directly work on the schemes. That's one solution. Apart from that, one can also think of funding the NGOs who are working directly with people.

M2: Good.

Tiru: thank you sir.

M2: How can you apply IT in governance or in administration. And tell me very specifically how can it reduce wastage, time and corruption?

Tiru: Sir, IT as a process can be an integral part of administration. To answer corruption, in India corruption is basically what one calls speed money. The files goes into the system, one doesn't know where the file is, or how to move it and hence pays money to move the file or to know the status. Once the process is computerised, the whole process can be tracked online e.g. our passport system where a number is given and the status can be tracked online. That might weed out corruption. Coming to wastage, as the complete data is online it saves a lot of paperwork and trees and also the manual labor of calculations. Due to these two, the efficiency increases and will certainly lead to decrease in total turnover time for customers.

M2: How can you improve the process?

Tiru: Sir, if the process is already established one like our administrative setup, then one can use tools like DMAIC from six sigma which stands for Define, Measure, Analyze, Improve and Control. The process has to be studied in detail, to start with customers have to be identified which in this case might be the citizens using the services....X

M2: The customers are well known here.

Tiru: That's good sir. Now the Critical to quality issues for customers have to identified which....X

M2: Ok, how much time do you think will take to improve the whole system....is two or three years sufficient?

Tiru...mmmmmm in fact sir, I believe the system is too huge to change in one go, in say two or three years, it would take time.

M2: Look at your whole career or say 30 to 35 years...would that the enough?

Tiru: Certainly sir, that's quite enough time to completely overhaul the system but it has to be a joint effort by all.

M2: Good

Tiru: thank you sir.

(Till this point the interview was dominated by me...or so I felt, as i was talking aloud, in clear tone and the board members were very supportive. From this point onwards, they tested my composure in adverse conditions. My voice didn't change and i didn't waver. But yes, it was really tough to maintain my poise as situation took a turn for worse)

M3: OK, Tirumala there is some issue with currency exchange rate, something to do with dollar to rupee and things like that...any idea what is it?

Tiru: yes sir, the rupee is appreciating with respect to dollar and that is a cause for concern for exporters and at the same time a good news for importers. And sir, I am not sure how it works but I read that it would also bring down inflation.

M3: No, no...this is not what I meant....Tell me specifically, how would it affect IT industry?

Tiru: Sir, the IT industry bills their overseas customers in dollars or in Euros and hence for the same amount of euros or dollars coming in, they will have less rupees after conversion. That would decrease their margin.

M3: And what would happen to Auto industry?

Tiru: Sir, using the same logic the Auto exporters too will take a hit.

M3: No, that is wrong. Think like a mechanical engineer, the auto industry has anicilliary and main makers etc...can you now tell?

Tiru: I am extremely sorry sir but I don't know the answer.

M3: Ok leave it. There is some issue with petrol and diesel and there is some arguments going on..what is it?

Tiru: Sir the petrol and diesel prices are going up.

M3: No no, I mean there is some other issue. Using it in automobiles etc..think in that line.

Tiru: Sir the last century was oil century and this would be gas century. We will have more use of gases in automobiles and less and less petrol and diesel as we go along.

M3: No no. that won't happen for next thirty years. Think in lines of pollution.

Tiru: Yes sir, both are polluting in nature as they produce....X

M3: No no, you are a mechanical engineer, think in terms of the engines.

Tiru: Sir, in past thirty years or so, diesel technology has made a lot of progress due to improvement in fuel injection technology and they have become silent and hence all major car manufacturers are now releasing a diesel versions...X

M3: No no...i was not asking that. OK, leave it. Do you have any idea as to how many cars India produces each year?

Tiru: Sorry sir, I don't have the figures.

M3: Do you have any idea how big is our auto industry?

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M3: Looks like you don't know anything about industries. Tell me which industry do you know about.

Tiru: Sir, I have worked in hydraulic industry for more than 3 and half years. You can ask about that.

M3: (he had a pencil in hand all the time which he put it down now as if giving up): I don't know anything about hydraulic industry.

(I was quite relieved)

M4: Tirumala, I see that you do bodybuilding. Do you still do bodybuilding?

Tiru: No sir, that was during college days. I now concentrate more on maintaining my fitness.

M4: So you go to gym?

Tiru: Yes sir.

M4: How much weight do you lift?

Tiru: 90 kgs in bench press. 80 kgs in squats and 130 kgs in dead lift sir.

M4: What is the world record in olympics?

Tiru: Sir, powerlifting is not an olympic sport.

M4: Ok, in commonwealth?

Tiru: Not ever here sir but there are competitions at other places and in dead lifts people are lifting around 700 pounds and that works out around 320 kgs.

CM: What is difference between bodybuilding and powerlifting?

Tiru: Sir, powerlifting is all about strength and bodybuilding is about beauty of muscles. In powerlifting one has to perform squat, deadlift and benchpress and the combined total weight is taken to judge the strength and in bodybuilding one has to pose and show his muscles.

CM: You do blogging? What is it? What do you do?

Tiru: Sir, blogs are online diaries which can be used to express one's thoughts or events. Even to share points of view on issues of general nature. I maintain three blog sites sir.

CM: What kind of books do you read?

Tiru: Sir I read any book as long as it is interesting which I judge by reading first few pages. If you ask what i am reading right now, I am reading Malgudi days by R K Narayan and before that I was reading Foundation by Isaac Asimov which is a science fiction and before that I read The inscrutable americans by anurag mathur and before that mritunjaya by shivaji savant and and few novels by John Grisham...X

M4: Ok, tirumala have you seen the roads and the highways?

Tiru: yes sir,

M4: How are they?

Tiru: good sir.

M4: No I mean, what is the shape, convex, concave or straight...how does it look like. (makes shapes with hands and shows)

Tiru: (I make my hands convex and show the shape): Sir it is convex.

M4: What's that called?

Tiru: Banking....no sir, it is not banking....I am sorry I don't know.

M4: It is called camber.

Tiru: thank you sir.

M4: Now tell me, why is this camber there?

Tiru: I am not sure sir.

M4: Take a guess.

Tiru: Maybe sir because the wheels give loads on ends of the roads and over a period of time....X

M4: No no that's not the reason.

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M4: It is for drainage purposes. That way, the water will flow sidewards and not collect at the centre.

Tiru: yes sir, that's logical. Thank you sir.

M4: Why is banking given on turns?

Tiru: To avoid vehicles from toppling over or skidding while taking a turn.

M4: and why does vehicle topple or skid?

Tiru: Sir the centrifugal force acting on the vehicle makes them do so. The reaction force tries to balance the centrifugal force acting inwards and when centrifugal force is more the vehicle topples.

M4: Centrigual force acts inwards?

Tiru: mmmmm...

M4: How does the vehicle topple?

Tiru: Outwards

M4: Then how should the centrifugal force act?

Tiru: yes sir, I was wrong, it actually acts outwards and in fact centripetal is the one acting inwards.

M4: Think again. I think you were right earlier.

Tiru: (I was really confused now...and though i knew i was wrong earlier but i took a moment here. All the members on the board broke into smiles and started laughing slowly. I too looked at them and we all laughed): Sir...X

M4: So you are confused.

Tiru: Sir I accept that I am confused.

CM: But you should know this. This is basic.

Tiru: yes sir, I accept I should know this. I agree.

CM: Do you know about the differential gears used in two wheelers?

Tiru: Sir as per my knowledge they are used in four wheelers.

CM: yes yes, wahi wahi. Tell me why is it used?

Tiru: sir when a vehicle takes a turn the radius of turn for the outer wheels is more than that for inner wheels due to which the number of effective turns required for the outer wheels is more than that required for inner wheels....X

CM: Why do engineers speak so technically. Tell me what will happen?

Tiru: Sir the tyres will wear faster.

CM: That's all? What's the major effect? That's just a minor effect.

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I can't recall any other effect.

CM: The axle will break. Remember the horse drawn carriages? Have you seen bailgadis? (Bailgadi = bullock cart)

Tiru: yes sir, bailgadis don't have differentials.

(I don't know why but when i said that all members in the board laughed.)

CM: Ok, tell me what differential mechanism do they use in trains.

Tiru: I am not sure sir.

CM: Think again. Don't you think they need differentials?

Tiru: To take a guess sir, the effective turning radius is very big for trains and they may not need them.

CM: But the load is very high. So they do need them.

Tiru: yes sir, that's logical.

CM: Ok, then take a guess. There are many types of differentials. Hydraulic, pneumatic, mechanical etc. What type they are using?

Tiru: I am afraid sir, I don't have any idea. However it sounds interesting to me and next time I am on a train, I will make it a point to bend down and see what differential mechanism they are using.

CM smiles at me.

CM: Tirumala, your interview is now over. Good. Do you have any suggestions for the board?

Tiru: No sir.

CM: Do you have any suggestions for the exam system?

Tiru: No sir.

CM: You may leave now. Thank you.

Tiru: Thank you sirs. thank you mam.

I get up from the chair. Take two steps back. Turn around and walk out of the door.

I come out. I meet the last candidate who is waiting outside the room. I wish him all the best and come out of UPSC. Now I am waiting for the results. It all depends on how much I score in mains and in this interview. Hopefully things will work out well. Fingers crossed till then. The results are expected around Mid May.

Tiru

(I got 180 marks out of 300 for this interview. Refer the marks details in another blog above)

Cleared the Mains

007389.........007393.......007396.....yes...yes...yes...it's there...my number is there....I cleared my mains exams. I got a call for the interview. Thank God...thank everyone...what a feeling! mmm...in fact...what a relief!
The results of mains exam were declared on internet today afternoon around 12.30. Whole of Jia sarai was on roads...discussing the results. Some were happy (those who cleared), some were sad (those who couldn't make it) and some were neutral (those who had not appeared). It is not easy to digest failure as it is one year gone by without anything positive to take home. Some of my good friends couldn't make it. And though I am happy about my result and those who cleared, at the same time, I am at loss of words to talk with those who didn't. I feel sad for them as i know that they too deserved to be there as much as I.
The next step is interviews. And the marks are additive. i.e. the mains marks (out of 2000) will be added to the interview marks (out of 300) and the merit list would be prepared. There are around 600 seats and the number of candidates called for interview is around 1450. Out of these 600 around top 70 will be IAS. That's everyone's dream. Including mine. Here I reproduce the earlier blog I wrote when I cleared my prelims in August to explain the whole selection process for those who don't know:

The scheme of civil service exam goes like this:
Stage I : Preliminary exam (in May):
around 200000 students appear for objective type exam(out of more than 300000 who acually fill the form)Results of preliminary: announced in Aug (aug 10th this time): Around 6000-10000 qualify based on total number of seats available. I was here in August. I was in the qualified list (i.e. in that 6000-10000). This stage separates men from boys.

Stage 2: Mains exam:

The qualified students appear for a 9 paper wide subjective tests spanning over a month from oct to november.Results of mains arrive in March (the following year). It came today on March 14th. Around 2.5 times the total requirement is selected for next stage viz. interview. Here big shots are separated from men. I am here right now.

Stage 3 : Interview:
A month long process and each candidate faces a board of eminent people. The interview marks are added to the marks obtained in mains exam. Then the merit list is prepared.

Final Result:
The final list comes out by first week of May (just before the preliminary of the following year). Here babus are separated from big shots. The selected ones go into babuland....and never come out.

So....still some way for me to go....it was just the second hurdle I cleared....

Wish me luck buddy...see you in babuland....

Tiru

SHITTY FEELINGS

Shit. A piece of it. A big one. I just feel like a big piece of shit. I am down with cold and cough and mild feverish feeling (not sure whether it is really fever or just the trailer). I float when I walk. Had a coupon of 5 rupees with me to surf Internet. Floated here and writing this blog just to see how the blog comes when one is not fully in elements. The results have not yet come. The engineering services results will come in April (reliable sources in Jia sarai say) and Civil services mains results will come anytime next week. Meanwhile, my roomy went home. He was ill. I guess he passed the virus to me while moving his ass out. Now the virus colony is thriving inside me. Making me dizzy. I see other fellows floating on road. Many are ill. It seems it is viral season in Delhi. Don't know but it is sure one for Jia sarai. If one person gets virus here, it won't take much time to spread to everyone. The lanes and houses are designed that way. Perfectly optimized to spread the micro-organisms.

Read the complete budget speech by PC today morning. Economic times had covered it. I feel it is a better paper than 'the biased Hindu'. I got hooked to ET around two months back. Now, I get a better perspectives of things. I always thought future trading of commodities is bad for people till I read ET. For sure, Power is Knowledge. And yes, ET sprinkles a lot of semi nude photos at all odd places in newspaper making it really spicy. In comparison, the Hindu gives photo of only Paul Krugman in the center page, not too sexy to look at as the first thing in morning. And he blabbers all about America's problems, their taxes, their living standards, their presidential choices, their feelings, their toilet paper costs etc. Who cares!!! We are in India. But anyway, coverage of international affairs is better in 'the Hindu' except for the fact that their international affair starts and ends with Fidel Castro. Even if Fidel farts, it is news for Hindu. "Fidel feels better today", "Fidel's latest video released", these can well be headlines. For other papers, Fidel doesn't exist. I am waiting for a day when I would read "Fidel farts louder than yesterday". Let's see, I hope Hindu won't let me down. And this should happen fast as Fidel has very few days on earth. He is already very old you know. Well about these stuffs sometime later but yes, ET reading is fun. Economy is fun with these fellas. Times group knows how to entertain, though they may be bad at informing.

OK, now i feel better. Blogging is like a tonic. I feel as light as a happy stomach after a mighty burp or the lower intestine after a stinky fart. Whatever!! Will go out and have a gingery chai. These fellows add ginger copiously into tea and though i hate it at other times, it is good when one is in my condition. The fellow in front of me (on the other side of comp) is digging his nose. Rhinothilexomaniac you know. Common problem in India. Many are addicted. Now he is checking his genitals. Scratched it. Gee, he got up. Going out. Went. Saala chutiya.

Anyway, time to move now....don't know what i have written..have to come when in senses and edit...posting it for the time being....excuse for typos and grammos.

tiru

THE WAIT

The results of UPSC exams are supposed to come anytime. I expect good results in two exams that I appeared last year. One is Engineering Service exams (results due any moment) and the other is IAS mains (resultS expected in first or second week of March). In fact, everyone expects good results. Failure is no option. It means a year gone waste. Not exactly waste, but in a way, nothing less than waste.
One learns things from failure. So nice to hear/preach this but so difficult to bear when it comes to oneself. One never learns from failure. One bears them. Grudgingly. That process of bearing teaches things. Not the failure. I can already see the desperate eyes moving around in Jia Sarai. I see the pain of long wait. I see the anxiety. I see the worry lines. I see the anticipation. I see a mix of feelings. I see so much that now I don't see. Rather I choose not to see.
The results mean a lot to me. And to everyone who appears in this exam. A favorable result will lead me into interview (final stage) and an unfavorable result will negate all my good work of last year and make me stand at the beginning line. To start the race all over. Will I have the courage to pick up from there then? Will I feel the same strength in my shoulders to carry the weight of expectations? Will my brain cells support me? Will my body take all those long night outs for studies all over again? Will I have the guts to stay in these crowded yet lonely, dark lanes of Jia Sarai? Can I manage one more year in a 6 feet by 8 feet room where I and my books jostle for space? Will I have money to make my ends meet in case I want to take up the exam again? Will I have the will to take on? Take on the challenge?
The same questions bother others too I suppose. When I wish that I should get through, I also wish that all those who appeared and worked hard should clear the hurdle. But I know, all can't get through. Some might be left out. That 'some' is a big lot. The question is, whether I belong to this 'some' lot or the cleared lot? It does mean a lot.


Tiru

Addicted

Competition gives me high. It makes me feel alive. When I compete, I am completely in the present. I lose the time sense. I forget my limitations, I forget my worries, and I cease to have multiple identities. In fact, when the competition is at the peak, I merge with whatever I am doing. There is no difference between the actor and the activity.

Competition implies instability. One may succeed or fail while competing. Stability implies prediction. I hate to have a predictable future. Uncertainty is life. Living life on the edge is actual living. The motor neurons perform best when there is danger to life. The brain neurons fire best when they are under pressure to perform. Observe the sentences in this paragraph. They are short. Sentences formed by someone competing. No nonsense approach. Like rain drops falling. Do you see the hurry it implies? Do you see the sense of urgency? Do you see carelessness towards trivial things of life? Do you see a higher sense of purpose?

I love to fight. I can’t have physical fights now. I am grown up. So I fight mentally. That’s where competition comes in. I can virtually fight with millions who are competing with (or against?) me. I might win or lose. That’s not important. What’s important is the act of competing. I am fully alive throughout the process. The process ends after the results are out. Then what would I do? I can compete again if I lose. What if I win? I need one more competition. I am an addict. And I know there is no way out of this addiction. I will be this way all my life. Chucking stability and welcoming challenges. Why? You feel I am crazy? No, I am not. I have to do this, as I know that the day I stop competing, I am dead. And you see I don’t want to die anytime soon.

Tiru