UPSC failure sinking in

ZOR KA JHATKA, DHEERE SE LAGA…

I caught an auto and Sandeep, my roommate, accompanied me to UPSC on the day the results came. There was already a crowd standing outside and checking their results. We rushed to the spot. It was crowded but we jostled and reached near the board. I started from the top. I first checked if I have topped the exam. Grrrr…. It was not my name. Fine, let me see in top 50. I started sweating when I didn’t see my name in top 50. So, I am not an IAS. Let me see next 50 if I am at least an IPS. Tough luck again. Then I patiently went through complete list of 474. I was not there; I mean, my name was not there. I checked again. Sandeep too was sulking, feeling wretched. His anguish at me failing appeared more than mine. He always believed that I would qualify. He looked at me, I grinned back. I told him to come out of the crowd. He wanted to check again. I said, no use, just come out. He came out.

We walked silently on the footpath. There were TV channels with their trucks and some reporters (including couple of beautiful ones) lining up outside UPSC to interview the toppers or those who qualified. We decided to hold on for some time. We lit up cigarettes and smoked. The cameras were rolling for successful candidates. I could have been one of them. I daydreamed giving an interview to one of the beautiful reporters. Then the absurdity of my situation stuck me and the feeling of self-loathing took over. I controlled. I called up home and told my parents. I got SMSes from the friends, some asking about results and some cheering me up for next time. In fact, I took it very lightly. The failure didn’t sink in. I was feeling fine. We caught an auto till IIT Junction, near Sandeep's office. Sandeep went back to office to do the remaining time;  I walked back into Jia Sarai. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of what had happened. I had another sutta and chai. Sank into my room. One by one guys came over to express sympathy. They wore dead expressions as if they, and not I, had failed. I in fact enjoyed looking at them. I couldn’t mourn the failure as I had prelims coming up after 5 days and I had Engineering Services interview lined up the very next morning after prelims.

Now, everything is over, my roommate has gone home. I am packing my books and baggage to shift to Bangalore. I have decided to appear this mains exam from Bangalore. Now, slowly the magnitude of failure is sinking in. I sit whole day in my room and stare blankly at the walls. I get bored. I lie down and look at the ceiling. I get up again and stare at the walls. The pain has gone beyond threshold of perception. I am numb. I am taking a break from books. I need it to recharge my brain. I roam around Jia Sarai, my last few days out here. This place taught me all about competitions. This place is now trying to teach me to live with failures. Yes, nothing has changed. Just that I have failed. Even my internal organs are working fine. The birds are flying, the sky is blue, and the trees are green. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. Will it change if I die? No, nothing would change. Life would continue. Only I would change. How personal and how mean the failures are. It only affects the person involved.
Anyway, I am too numb to write blogs. Just blabbering something. I saw some comments on my previous blogs that really made me feel better. I thank the souls for leaving such encouraging words in comments. It sure helps when one is down. But I will bounce back. This exam has caught me pants down. I will not rest till I change the situation. But if someone said "Zor ka jhatka, dheere se lage", he was talking about civil services exam results.