jia sarai days

2010-12-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

THE SUPPLEMENTARY LIST

Just wanted to inform the junta that I figure in the supplementary lits of successful candidates for civil services main exam 2008. I don't just figure there but 'top' that list. A lot of comments on my earlier blogs asked me this question and I believe it's my duty to reply. Hence this post. The 51st one.

The supplementary list was released by UPSC a few months ago. The description of the list was in a pdf file, in comic sans font, mocking the entire idea of success. Anyway, the names were in Times new roman and I sucked unto it when I saw my name topping the list.

So, based on the helpful hints from my fellow supplementary candidates, I came to know that I will land up with a service that's called Indian Trade Service, ITS. I am awaiting the service allocation by DoPT.

Have been wondering how this would sound. K.V.Tirumala, ITS.

A private joke between me and my Punjabi biwi is that T stands for Tatta. Whatever it means.

Anyway, my job in private sector is going well. Airbus is an excellent organization to work for when it comes to challenges at work and balance between work and life. Tough things to provide to an employee, especially for the ones like me and I found Airbus a good place to be.

Someone in Sansad bhavan, upper house, asked the PM when would these supplementary people get their jobs that's due to them for years. The answer was, we are following due procedure and in due time it will be done.

And so I wait, in the meantime, for the due babus to take due action and roll the due procedure so that some dues to me in life are set right. Will keep you posted.

Tiru

2009-10-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

In retrospect....

A difference in time and place can help one gain different perspective on things and events. I never thought I would ever revisit this blog, atleast not this soon. Anyway, here I am.
I am months away from the time Civil services meant everything to me and I am thousands of kilometers away from Jia Sarai, sitting in increasingly cold weather of Hamburg in Germany. I have been seeing quite an amount of world in Europe recently and that puts things in perspective for me. I just want to say, in retrospect, nothing matters.
I spent a lot of time wondering why I didn’t make it to civil services. I thought I will carry the burden of this failure all my life and will never get over this. In fact, that’s the reason why I never dared to visit this blog.
That’s not so. I moved on. Quite well to my own surprise, I must say. In retrospect it looks so stupid of me to even think that I failed. I now look back with a smile at this blog and wonder what I was upto at jia sarai. It must have been fun while it lasted.
So, I decided to visit this blog once more and let all those who are attempting this exam know that in the long run it doesn’t matter. Great if you succeed, greater still if you don’t. You will get a chance to see the world, like I am doing right now. And you will enjoy it all the same. I now work in the field of aerospace with one of the biggest aeroplane makers in world, and I am proud to be an engineer.

Tiru

P.S: There was one more reason why I wanted to write this one last post on this blog. This post will take the total number of posts on this blog equal to 50. That's a nice sum to round up and retire. All the best

2009-05-22T06:03:00.000-07:00

THE SONG OF LIFE...

I struggled with the algebraic loop. Somewhere the logic was wrong. Matlab/simulink cannot tackle algebraic loops properly. I was getting restless in office. There was something that bothered me in the back of my mind. Is it the air-conditioner? Or is it the irritation at not being able to move at this step of performance check. It was looping in the mind, avoiding direct cognition.

Then it struck. It was the feeling that I didn’t make it to the list of successful candidates in civil services exam. I thought I had tackled and buried the ghost of it in the one week period after the results came. But it doesn’t look like I have done it completely. It loops inside. It nags. Sometimes I know it’s nagging, and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, it irritates.

I feel like L K Advani. A man who fought and lost and has no more time left to take one more shot at it. He is old. So am I, in a different way. The difference is that I still have more than 30 years to fight out in life. He doesn’t. If this is how much failure hurts me, I cannot imagine how Mr. Advani is feeling.

This post is not to grieve over Mr. Advani’s defeat. It’s about me. It’s about how I failed and how I am coping with it. Biwi corrects me every time I say that I failed. She says “You didn’t qualify, that’s all, and you didn’t ‘fail’.” One way or the other, it means I am not in the list of selected candidates. I scored 1173 out of 2300. And I heard they took guys who scored above 1175.

My fling at the exam began with my intention to do something more than what I was doing. I was doing what I loved doing. Designing and developing products for the industry. I was doing that for 3.5 years after my engineering. I thought I could design better policies and help in developing India in a better way. I felt I can be a scriptwriter in the success story of making of a modern India in a globalized world. That’s ‘why’ I quit my job to take up a career in civil services. I quit when I was doing extremely well in the industry.

When I started, I always dreamt about what I would do once I am a civil servant. I failed the first time. That’s when things changed. Thereafter, I was more concerned about how to clear this exam than about what I would do once I have done so. The question as to ‘why’ I wanted to be a civil servant was relegated to some back corner of my mind. It was the exam and it was me. Years rolled by. Until this happened. I was too old for this exam and out of attempts.

I am back in industry. Doing what I do best. Luckily for me, I had added few months of experience while preparing and had found my life partner. Rather, my life partner found me while I was preparing for this exam. Either way, we got married. And now we have a baby girl. By the time the results came, my life was busier than ever. There was not much time to look back and grieve. And Biwi was there to support me.

I am doing reasonably well in the industry now. My career is progressing well. Biwi and baby are fine. Life has changed. Priorities have changed. And I am moving on.

Bulleting back from work, in the chaotic traffic of Bangalore, when I switch off my Bullet at signals, and look around and see fellow techies, I realize that I am now one of them. The job, the workload, project deadlines, cafeteria, cubicle, bitching about the HR policies and the wait for the next weekend. It’s all there. However, there’s one difference.

I had the courage to risk it all. I once did. I lost the bet. And I know that I have the courage to build my dreams once more. Brick by brick, I will build. I believe this is my takeaway from this exam, where I didn’t, ‘qualify’.

Tiru

I have changed the logic, and now the model is without algebraic loop. And it’s working fine.

2009-05-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

My marks: Total 1173

Tiru

2009-04-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

The song continues...

I was in Jia sarai for the interview. I stayed with Rahgu and Ravi. Ravi is working with an upcoming internet site in the field of marketing. He sells a site called parikshaguru.com to the coaching institutes. He asks them to advertise on the site. With a name like that, I, for once, wouldn't if i ran a coaching institute.

Raghu, an ex IBM employee is now preparing for civil services. He quit his job and came here.

Ravi and Raghu smoke like chimneys. My nicotine level automatically increased to their levels when in their room as they smoked inside. I didn't mind as i too was once a smoker.

Ravi is the leanest person i have ever seen. Bare bones and skin, no muscles. In the morning, he was flexing himself. As ravi is from koraput dist of orissa, I took a dig that he is a living proof of the poverty level in his district. He countered saying that he is a karate expert. I bought it as that's the only sport where you can get away even with a lean body. And there was no reason to disbelieve.

Anyway, I walked around Jia Sarai. I met some old faces. The shops were the same. The faces too. Just that somehow i was finding it difficult to relate myself to all that. It was difficult for me to believe that i stayed in the hellhole for so long. The stinking latrine in the building almost made me puke and the bath too was not different. When i was here, i never cared.

The filth on the lanes is the same. It doesn't matter to anyone. It didn't to me once upon a time.

Ravi got me a bottle of baba ramdev brand hair oil and shampoo in the evening. He told me that it would help me stop hairfall. Well, neat way to say that i am losing hair. We boozed the night after interview. Boozed a lot. Mishra ji joined us. With his stories of his friends who had succeeded in the previous years. Only that those friends do not recognize him any longer.

Many of my friends who prepared with me have left the place. Some made it, most didn't. None died in the process though.

The song continues, the dark bylanes sing the blues. Of failures, of successes, of the hunt, of the hunters, of those who dreamt, those who aspired and those who still stay there. With the fire in their hearts, to warm those winter nights when chai sutta alone cannot keep one warm. To urge one to go on with their preparations. To never give up. I was once there. Living my dream.

2009-04-04T02:25:00.001-07:00

My Last Civil Services (UPSC) interview

I was in Delhi a day before the interview. Jia sarai had not changed physically but the number of students preparing for civil services exam had considerably come down.

I got Mr. K K Paul's board in the interview. The interview didn't go well. The chairman started by telling me that i have lost age advantage and went on to ask questions about evolution and history of civil services in India, a dark area in my knowledge base. Anyway, here are the questions I was asked this time:

Chairman: You passed out from college in 2002, this is 2009, what were you doing after that.

- I recounted my experience from wipro, infosys and eaton after college and told that I am working currently in aerospace industry in the field of actuation and control systems as a senior engineer with a leading aerospace organization.

Chairman: What is your nature of work?

- I explained

Chairman: You have already crossed the age limit for civil services and I don't think you will grow to the highest level of civil services with the remaining number of years of service. Why then should you come into the services?

- I gave an elaborate explanation

Chairman: Ok, then tell me about the evolution of civil services in India.

- I somehow tackled it. But I was very poor with facts here

Chairman: You don't seem to know much about history. Do you atlest know something about Bhagat Singh?

Chairman: Tell me why Bhagat Singh was arrested? Where?

Chairman: What is the difference between UPSC and other commissions like Human rights commission, competition commission etc?

- I answered these questions but not to the satisfaction level of the chairman (I might have read him wrong....hope so)

Then chairman gave it over to other members

Member 1: Why did you take Pali as an optional?

Member 1: Can Pali be used to understand Indus valley civilization? How does it help?

Member 1: Do you blog? (my hobby). What do you blog?

Member 1: What is 2x, 3x, 5x in pyschology? (I didn't know this)

Member 2: Do you read MS Swaminathan's articles? What does he say about the level of food consumption coming down an all that. By what value it has come down in last decade as per his view?(I didn't know).

Member 2: What is the population density of India?

Member 2: How would you compare the density of India with China? Which is higher and by how much?

Member 2: What do you know about Biofuels? Do you think it will solve the fuel problem in India? What is your opinion on it?

Member2: Did Buddha believe in God? Did Buddha think that God is required to attain Nirvana?

Member 3: If Pali is interesting as you said, then so is maths? Why didn't you then take mathematics?

Member 3: When did the Fort williams college operate in India? For how long?

Member 3: How do you ensure that the facts that you read are authentic? (he asked me this as one of my answers was wrong and upon asking where did i read it, I told him that i don't remember but it must be in one of the books)

Member 3: If a student is doing a project in which he has to refer internet, what suggestion would you give in order to ensure that he uses only authentic material?

Member 4: What is G20? Is India a member or an invitee? Why are they meeting this week and where?

Chairman: Your interview is over now. You can leave.

I got up and wishes all the board members a nice day. Only one board member replied by saying that you too have a nice day.

Tiru

2009-03-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours. That's what is happening to me. I got more than one job offer and finally joined an organization in the field of aerospace actuation systems (so clever of me, I skipped the name!).

Then the doctor told that we might expect the baby to arrive on 1st of april. The kid must be like me, looking at the expected arrival date.

Then UPSC declared the results of mains. I qualified.

And then I got the letter from UPSC. My interview is scheduled on 30th of March, followed by a medical test on the following day. Now, that means a lot of things. It might so happen that I am out there attending the interview and the medical test while biwi delivers the baby. I want the interview to be over before the baby comes. I am afraid the baby might come out and say "What pa, you still writing exams!!"

But that's not the major worry. The probability that i might have to stay away from biwi during the most important moment of our lives seems high and that makes me worry. It's pure 'emosanal atyachar'.

Anyway, lot of probabilities playing in my life. I caught sinus yesterday. In fact, i thought i had caught cold and when the doctor called out 'SINUS', I was afraid. I had heard that word from many and i always thought that sinus problem is only for unhealthy sickos who don't exercise. Biwi was very happy. She had predicted that I had sinus and her prediction had come true. She was happy for the prediction. She did a little jig outside the doctor's room and said "Dekha, I told you that you had sinus". She didn't know how hard i had to suffer to make her happy about her prediction. Incidentally, the doctor too mentioned the same medicines that biwi had prescribed. That boosted biwi's confidence "I could have been a doctor", she muttered to herself.

Anyway, with my busy schedule at office, I don't have any time to prepare for interview. I now believe that "You cannot prepare for a personality test, it's just a measure of what you are, and you are not built in a day or week"

That thought is so soothing.

I am on leave today from office. So thought of taking out some relevant stuff and read. And then i thought i should blog. I have mentioned it under the hobby/interest list in the mains application form. And that's how this blog popped into the world. Rather in this season i must say, I 'delivered' the blog.

2008-12-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

You marry and your life moves faster than you can imagine. I am no longer at jia sarai. I am in bangalore. I am jobless too. Like the schrodinger's cat in the box. The only difference is that the cat is a probability function, i.e. it may or may not exist whereas i do. Painfully. I wonder if i too can become a probability. Uncertain existence and all that. In a way i do. In a way, all civil services aspirants exist at a probabilistic level. They are in the probability world. Probably they clear the prelims, probably they appear for mains, probably they clear mains too and probably they appear for interview and by a stroke of mother of all probabilities, they get selected. Till all these probabilities work themselves out, the aspirants are in a probable daze about their future. They don't know what to do or where they stand in the world. Anyway, all that is a huge jumble to be sorted out soemtimes later, probably.

Biwi came a day before my exams got over. In fact, i had my last psychology exam on 1st nov and biwi was in my room on the previous night. She had warned me to finish my syllabus and revision (if it ever gets over) by the time she arrives. I, as usual, was halfway through. Anyway, biwi didn't disturb me as she was busy planning our holidays in himachal and goa and a trip in between to my relatives in punjab. It was a month long fun after the exam.

My exams went well (probably). And i will probably clear. And probably i will appear for interview and PROBABLY I will be selected. Let's see. I already feel like Schrodinger's cat.

Meanwhile, i have decided to continue my career in hydraulics industry where i perform best. It's time i settle down in life after all those experimenting all these years. I want to design products as that gives me a kick. I am currently evaluating where to join.

Anyway, the years spent at Jia sarai will stay with me. Whenever i look back, probably, I will remember the stinking bylanes of the sarai with nostalgia. I spent some best years of my life there, trying to unknot the probabilistic functions of life.

Tiru

2008-07-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

RUMBLINGS OF A DISTURBED MIND

I bought "Marvin"- the cooler to my room. The heat was unbearable and biwi had come during weekend. So, I bought this second hand cooler and named it "Marvin". Marvin spreads cool air in my room when i don't switch on the water pump. Otherwise he makes the room too humid. It's rainy season here and Marvin is a desert cooler. Right now, he is sitting in a corner, waiting for me to switch him on .Yes, Marvin is 'he' and you will see the reason later.

Anyway, biwi liked Marvin. So Marvin is my competitor. What a junk to compete with, for attention. Anyway, Marvin also increases my risk to die of dengue. Dengue carrying mosquitoes spread in stagnant water, and Marvin has three buckets of water in him, stagnant.

My preparations are going fine. Pali literature is interesting but involves lot of mugging up. Psychology is fine. GS is infinite and never gets over. So i have pushed it to the back of my brain to decrease the dissonance through decreasing the importance of completing GS.

I met Mishraji while coming back from airport after dropping biwi on Sandeep's bike. Mishraji was happy to hear that i am married. A glee spread over his balding head and the mouth smiled like yahoo emoticon, revealing the gutka stained teeth, screaming for better care. "Mubarak ho tiruji, bahut khusi hua ee sunkar", Mishraji wished while offering me a cup of tea. I gulped the tea while listening to his ordeals and how he is planning to clear Bhiar Provincial Services Exam and came to room. I miss biwi in the room, especially the day after she leaves. But then, i am here for few more days after which i will be back in bangalore.

I speak to Marvin. He is a good company. He just listens. Never says anything. But then i switch him on and he starts with a roar "grrrr....grrrr....grrrr....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......" and so on. I switch on his water pump and he makes sound as if he is peeing into the stagnant water pool. I find that the pipe has displaced and i move it to correct location. So he has a pipe to pee. That's why Marvin is 'he' you see.

Tiru

2008-06-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

Back to Pavilion

I came to Jia sarai on 11th of this month. For one final attempt. I have taken up a room. Also joined Pali coaching and am struggling with the shabda roopa of Buddha. Anyway, Jia sarai has not changed much. Only that few of my old friends are no longer there (no, they are not dead, they just left this place). Jha Ji for one, I miss. But i don't miss Jha ji as much as i miss my wife, I mean, the girl who adopted me as her husband, roughly two months ago. I call her my wife. She calls me every now and then. Looks like she too misses me as much as i do (ignore the first comment on this blog). I have decided to drop mech engg as i was getting peanuts as score for the himalayan effort that the subject demanded. Or maybe, i am not talented enough to clear this exam with that subject. But hey, i am not here to prove that i am a good mechie. All i want is to clear this exam. And am trying to take the moderate method. Not easy, not tough too. Just like what the Buddha says after enlightenment. The middle path or the "Majjhima maggo" in pali.
Met Sasi on the way, he looked at me, smiled and said, "So, back to pavilion?". I felt as if i got out in the field of life and have come back. That too, hit wicket.
Sandeep, my ex roomy, now has someone special in his life who shares the house with him. She calls him her husband and he calls her his wife. They are married. Gee. She cooks good food.
Gowda, the blog partner on this site, is alive. He is also attending Geography coaching but has forgotten blogging. He says, he doesn't have time for that. so, here i am, typing out this, on a shitty keyboard that doesn't work, like in most jia sarai's cyber cafes' computers, sweating from all pores of my body, arse included, trying to explain to myself that this is a noble pastime. Whatever. Will be posting frequently.

tiru

2008-05-19T01:37:00.000-07:00

The aspirant's last sigh

I attended my last attempt at preliminary exam yesterday. I never thought I would reach this far, i mean, till the last attempt. I am not very happy, but not very sad too. I am a veteran now. I remember when i used to look in awe at people who were giving their last attempt. I admired their courage, the smile of knowledge on their face (or was it a smirk, at the irony of the whole thing), and spent time with them, gaping at their lips lest i miss some divine wisdom flowing out of their experienced (or fucked?) brain. Now, I am a veteran. The fouth timer. When i look at the first timers, like the ones who caught me yesterday in the break between optional and GS, I know why they have that shine in their eyes while speaking to me. Yes, they were looking at my fucked face. Lest some wisdom shit oozes out of my lips and slips away and dissolves in the din of the ever vibrating ether. They wanted to catch it and make the most of it in their preparations. Or use it as lubricant to ease into the system of this examination. And I doled out shit for around 15 minutes, till the bell rang for us to get in.
Somehow, time is flying. A girl adopted me as her husband last month. I am married now. And look at the timing, I married and then went for a honeymoon to sikkim, 10 days after failing in previous mains and 25 days before the next preliminary exams. Anyway, all's well that ends well. The exam went well. In fact, in all this halla hoopla, i never realized that i failed badly in last mains. The marks make me cringe, even in my dreams. I got the marks when i was honeymooning and somehow the warmth of love sobered the shock.
Anyway, i am thinking to change my optional from mech engg to something saner. Like Pali or Philosophy. Let's see. Any suggestion in this regard is most welcome.
Yesterday, in the break, among the shit grabbers, there was one boy who asked "Can you tell me why exactly you failed, or where you think you went wrong, as i think that would help me more than any other thing."
And I replied, "That my boy, is exactly what i am asking myself"
I have the answer, but i am not sure whether i am right or wrong. Only time will tell.

Tiru

2008-05-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

SAD BUT TRUE....OUCH!!!

Tiru

2008-02-22T04:37:00.000-08:00

THE CREAM OF THE SCUM

“happy va-lund-tight day”: Jha ji called me from jia sarai and chirped it into the phone.
It was Feb 14. I marveled at Jha Ji’s way of pronouncing the word ‘valentine’.
I told Jha ji to keep the phone and I called back. I am working now and as I knew Jha Ji is still a civil services aspirant, and I know the pinch one feels when one has to call others on the limited monthly budget. I never used to call my friends, they called and now I do what my friends did to me. So I called Jha ji.
‘Thanks and same to you’ I said
‘To aap abhi bhi landoore ke landoore hi bane hue hain tiru ji...koi mili nahi aapko’ Jha Ji added breathlessly and I replied ‘ab ka bataye jha ji, aap to sab jante hain’
‘Anyway, tiruji, I called you to just tell you that I am going home, perhaps forever’
‘why Jha Ji what happened, I think you have one more attempt if I am not wrong’
‘Nahi tiruji, that is not the case, I had lied to you. I have no more attempts left. I had exhausted it last year, I just told it to look good. I have even lied to my parents, but no more. I am ashamed of my own very existence, and I want to go home, and do something’
‘But Jha ji, what would you do. I mean, have you thought of anything?’
‘Not yet tiruji, actually I was trying for jobs, but as you see I am a BSc graduate, and not an engineer like you , and no experience too, so who will give me job? And I have this gap of 7 years after my graduation which I can’t explain’
‘But Jha ji, you always told me that you were in Jia sarai for past 4 years and not 7 years, what’s the matter, what were you doing?’
‘nahi tiruji, I was in Patna for 3 years and then came to Jia Sarai’
‘O I see, anyway Jha ji what’s the plan now’
‘Actually tiruji, No concrete plans. I am planning to do something. I don’t know what. Can you help me tiruji? I mean, can you get any job for me?’
‘what Jhaji, how can i do that. I can try Jhaji, i mean i can forward your resume to my friends and consultants but beyond that, I can’t do much Jhaji, I am afraid’, I felt bad at my own candidness.
‘Ok tiruji, but my resume has nothing except my second class graduation 7 years ago’
‘well, don’t worry just give it to me, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, i will send it through email’
‘by the way jha ji, i would suggest you do some course like dot net or mainframe, i think if you work hard, you can get into something to start with’
‘nahi tiruji, kyon majak kar rahe hain, ab hamari umar kahan rahi kuch naya seekhne ki, humse ee nahi hoga, aap aise hi try kijiye na, to get me some job, anything would do, any salary would do as long as it is more than 10000 per month’
‘well ahem, jhaji, i can’t promise much, let me see, forward your resume, let’s see’
‘theek hai tiruji, thanks, i will call you later’
‘ok bye Jhaji, go home for few days, enjoy and then come back, we’ll do something, bye'
‘bye tiruji’

I felt odd for Jhaji. Here he is. Jha ji, who tried for civil services for so many years and never went beyond prelims. The lure of civil services destroyed his career. The takeaway from this exam, as far as my knowledge goes, for Jhaji, was cipher. And what disturbs me is that Jhaji is just one such case. There are others, like Jhaji, aspiring to be a civil servant, staying at Jia Sarai, Mukherjee Nagar, Rajinder Nagar, oblivious to the developments in private sector, running behind the chimera called civil services. These places are teeming with Jhajis from all over India. Also what disturbs me is that, it is people like Jhaji, who make the civil services exam, the most prestigious of all exams, they are the ones who swell the number of aspirants to more than 3 lakh every year, it is they who make the coaching business such a profitable racket, at the cost of their career and their family’s resources. If I succeed tomorrow, I will have this eerie feeling, perhpas forever, that there are thousands like Jhajis who have made my success sweeter. Or shall i say…..bitter?

Tiru

2008-02-09T06:26:00.000-08:00

In his primary school he was a bright sudent. Through this virtue he established himself as the leader of his bachmates. He moved to another location and to a new shool for his secondary level education. Everything there was new to him. But within a week he was once again leading his peers through the display of his brightness. This gave him a feeling of "Leader-hood" or exhange of respects tilted more towards him.

But soon the situation changed. He was moved to a residential school away from his parents. The school boasted of students of calibre similar to his. In this unfamiliar waters (also for others) he struggled initially but with more instintiveness and politeness he was once again in the list of more equals among equals (a gruop of leaders).

He got carried away by this early and unexpected, unintentional happenings and status. He became complacent and started looking for maintening the reputation. He did mistake in analysing what gave him success and was completely out the track and pack. Hence the result, relegation to equals. He did not realize this until the end of schooling.

The time period between the end of school and joining the graduation was so much that it allowed him to have a lion's look and analyze what went through his life from childhood days. This gave him a new look towards life and made him to soften his style, behaviour and focus towards larger goals of life instead of mere reputation and looking for leading.

Enter the graduation stage. He was resolved to do good for himself and put more dedicaion into whatever he did. He succeeded in most of his goals and this gave him satisfaction. It is suffice to say that he was put at a higher status by everyone during his graduation which he acknowledged with a smile and did not let that to get into his head.

After few years of leading life in a career which would satisfy most of he youngsters like him if given a chance, he was feeling some uneasiness. Althoguh he was highly satisfied with whatever he did, it was not coupled with the same level of happ'y'ness.

He searched for the reason and found it !!! Better late than never.

In the Pursuit of Happ'y'ness he is once again on unfamiliar ground, playing cards with his life in which still he is a novice. The stakes already you know. (look into "A GAME WITH LIFE" - May 23, 2007)

2008-01-13T04:44:00.001-08:00

No matter what gender you belong to, take this “Nobody is safe” in this country.
Here is a true story.

Hero (gender – male, looks - gigantic) was on his way to Tirupati. He boarded State Board bus along with his friend. A man of around 35-40 age entered the bus with family. He sat next to Hero and started snoring immediately (or acting). Once the bus started moving one hand of that man moved towards the base of Hero and started scratching it. Hero thought the feeling is becuaser of the vibration of bus. Since there was no opposition the hands tried to move towards the @55 O. Now, Hero realized the intentions of this (dirty) man who was trying to become superman (guess). He rashly pushed out that hand from his base and gave an angry look. Even in that darkness I think that man would have seen Hero’s angry face since he didn’t make any more attempts (or might got afraid of Hero).

Now, think Are You SAFE?

2008-01-13T04:43:00.001-08:00

He was at Jia Sarai last year. He recently completed 29 years on this earth without affairs with any girl (he is oriented towards opposite sex). He tried hard to crack CS. He couldn’t succeed one time but got a rank in IES. So, he has given a try once again last year and then went back to home. His parents were very happy to see him after a gap of one and half years. They placed few photos in front of him and asked to select one among them for marriage (obviously girl’s photos). He refused to get married till he settles down properly. The discussion went for around two hours before reaching the epitome.
He (said for the nth time to his mom) – “I will marry after working for 6 months at least”.
(Frustrated) Mom – “Beta, if you have any problems of that nature then better consult a doctor immediately”!!!!!!!!!!!

He was embarrassed.
Your suggestions to Jia Sarai-ites who are in similar situation.

2008-01-13T04:39:00.000-08:00

It’s been one week since I landed at Jia Sarai. The transition from working/Bangalorean to Studying/Delhi-ite was smooth as promised by Sandeep with whom I stay at present. I thank him and Er.OP who helped me in finding the room for rent and in purchasing other required items. It’s my second visit to Delhi which is exactly one year after my 1st. The first visit was for only 2 days and the agenda was to take guidance from the co-preparants for Civil Services. The impression that Jia Sarai presented at that time was as a place for Civil Service and IES aspirants. This influenced my decision to become one of its inhabitants. For this, I left my hometown, the job and the regular income attached with that. I felt I would be far away from my dear ones but I was mistaken. The advancement in Science and Technology and the policies have bridged the gap and made this world a global village. Now, I talk to my parents, friends and relatives at cheaper rates because of revolutionary growth seen in telecommunication field. I don’t feel the separation from them.

At Jia Sarai, I heard that the CS crowd is diminishing. Their place is being taken up by the CATs, GATEs and NETs aspirants. When I contacted a person (CSA – Civil Service Aspirant) who was looking for room partner, he was surprised that I am also a CSA. I met few others who have taken Geography as one of their optional. But I am searching for the one who has taken Public Administration for Prelims and has joined a test series. Apart from this everything is fine. I am hoping to have best result this time. By this I declare that my day at Jia Sarai has begun.

2007-11-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

Tiru is off. Gowda is on. Yes, the blog control has been passed on to my friend Mr. Somashekhara Gowda (Som or Gowda for short). He is coming to Jia Sarai next month. He will stay there and prepare for civil services. With more than 5.5 years of work expeirence in corporate world and with his global experiences, he is in a better position to comment on things that matter. And yes, he was in part inspired by me to stay at jia sarai. But it's his own decision to jump into the world of civil service aspirants.
About me? Well, i have written the mains again. All subjects, except mechanical, have shown considerable improvement. I think the mech. paper, esp. paper II was tough, but again, one can never say. So, keeping my fingers crossed.
Meanwhile i have run out of money and all that. So, literally a pauper, a parasite on family resources, here I am in bangalore, now preparing my resume afresh for jobs. Hope someone smiles on me. Any rich lady?? er....I won't even mind if some rich pop singer decides to adopt me (Are you listening Madonna?). Jokes apart, It is tough to look at others to provide for my food. I am really grateful to my friends and family members who silently suffered me these two years. Hope i don't dash it this time.
Thanks for those unknown friends too who commented on this blog site and kept my tempo up. I made quite some new contacts through my blogs. With this, I pass on to Mr. Gowda. Gowdare, please keep the site running.
And yes, if anyone else wants to author in this blogsite, do let us know. We would be happy to include them in the authors list. But you must be staying/have stayed in Jia Sarai and prepared for civil services exam.

Tiru

2007-06-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

The last blog

My stay at Jia Sarai has come to an end. I am now moving to bangalore. Have decided to appear for the mains this time from bangalore. This place has taught me a lot of things. The places do not have emotions they say. It's the bonding created by one's thought process that gives attachment to places. I was hooked to this place in my short stay of one and a half years. I made new friends, i saw joys of success, i have seen the despair of repeated failures. I have seen the demographic change of jia sarai popoulation from predominantly IAS aspirants to assorted crowd that now resides here.

I was enjoying one of my last chai suttas out here on the penultimate day of leaving. I saw an autorickshaw chug along the small lanes. A boy got down with his luggage. He had the shine in his eyes. The dreams to make it. His friend came to receive him and gave a hug, welcomed him and they both trotted inside Jia sarai. I remembered the 'tiru' who had arrived with a similar shine in his eyes a year and half ago. I might have failed to make it, but i have learnt something more. It's about the spirit to fight. It has nothing to do with winning or losing. It's about participating. It's about standing tall in failures. It's about keeping the cool in successes. It's about enjoying the journey more than arriving at the destination. It's about life and the proper way of living.

I failed in making it this time. But I succeeded in learning the right lessons. I thank God for failing me. The failure, I believe, is teaching me more than what the success might have taught. I have the courage to pick up the twigs from the shattered dreams and build, step by step, brick by brick, the lost dream. I am doing it right now. One day, I might shine in the glory, or i may go down unnoticed into the oblivion. Nevertheless, I will have one satisfaction. I stood by my dreams and I fought till my last breath in what i believed was right. It's that courage to face the life that i have learnt at Jia sarai.

May the coming generations of Jia sarai students succeed in their aspirations. With wishes and a heavy heart, I left Jia sarai in the early morning of 31st may 2007. Alone, a loser, with no results to show but like a fighter who looks forward to his next fight. Thank you Jia sarai. May God bless you.

Tiru

2007-06-02T02:56:00.000-07:00

2007-05-29T05:23:00.000-07:00

My Engineering Services Interview (Mechanical Engineering)

Ms. Chokila Iyer’s board interviewed me on 21st May 2007. I was the very first candidate to be interviewed this year. I was wearing a navy blue trouser and an off-white shirt with a matching tie of blue color with red dots. The helper opened the door and told me to go into the boardroom. I stopped near the door and my eyes met the chairman’s. She indicated me to come in. I went in and wished the members after which the chair indicated me to sit down. I thanked her and took my seat.
(for sake of simplicity CM stands for chairman Ms. Chokila Iyer, M1, M2 and M3 represent the other three male members present)
CM: Mr. Tirumala, I see from your profile that you have some work experience. Why did you leave your job?
Tiru: I left the job to prepare for civil services ma’m.
CM: I see, so you left the job to prepare for civil services. Anyway, I guess you would have come here by train. Am I correct?
Tiru: No madam, actually I am currently staying at Delhi and didn’t come from my hometown.
CM: Anyway, you must have traveled by train sometime. So I want to know whether you have observed lately that concrete sleepers are replacing the wooden sleepers being used earlier. What do you think about it? What is the advantage of concrete over wood?
Tiru: Madam, wood (lignum vitae) absorbs moisture and slowly loses its strength. India, being a tropical country, receives a lot of rainfall and this proves detrimental to life of wooden sleepers. Concrete sleepers do not have this problem.
CM: OK, thinking from environment point of view, what do you feel?
Tiru: Wood is renewable madam, as specific trees can be grown to meet the requirements but the metal such as iron used in reinforced concrete cannot be replaced, once used.
CM: You might be reading newspapers. What do you think about global warming? Do you think people are concerned?
Tiru: Yes madam, Global warming has taken up serious proportions now and it’s high time we take hard decisions to stop it. And yes, people are now very concerned which I feel is very correct. We now hear every other day about Green peace, Kyoto protocol, Carbon trading etc.
CM indicates to other members that she has finished asking questions and other members can now ask questions.
M1: So, I see that your hobbies are blogging and reading books. Don’t you think these two are contradictory?
Tiru: No sir, in fact I believe to be a good blogger or writer a person has to read a lot of books. The books give man perspectives on various issues. The books stimulate thinking and only then ideas come out which become material for blogging or writing.
M1: Do you write blogs online?
Tiru: yes sir, I maintain three blog sites. (I tell the details of my blog sites and what I write in them)
M2: You initially worked with Wipro. What were you doing there?
Tiru: Sir I was working at Wipro fluid power. (I explain my roles and responsibilities)
M2: Tirumala, what is the relation between global warming, ozone hole and the refrigerators we use?
Tiru: Sir, ozone hole is a side effect of pollution and global warming. Some refrigerants which contain chlorine in them e.g. Freon group react with ozone and break them into oxygen and this leads to formation of ozone hole. That is the reason why now a days such refrigerants are being phased out and we are moving towards chlorine free refrigerants like R134-a.
M2: But do you know that ozone hole has formed over Antarctica. Why has it not formed over US, Europe or India?
Tiru: Sir, it is not that the effect of pollution or global warming should be felt in the immediate vicinity. There are surface winds which moves all over the world and even the ocean currents move. Therefore, the effect of US’s pollution might be manifested anywhere in the world. This is true of any place and in any case sir, it is good that the hole has formed over Antarctica. Had it formed on our country, we would have been in trouble.
CM: Tirumala, you were working earlier. I see that you last worked as a senior design engineer at Eaton industries before leaving it. What were you doing there?
Tiru: (I explained my complete job profile which involved product development in hydraulics field)
M2: So you worked on gear pumps too. What type of gear do they use in gear pumps? What is the profile? Is it same as the one in industry?
Tiru: Yes sir, we too use involute profile but with a positive addendum correction.
M2: Can you show me how an involute profile is generated? Please draw it on the paper.
Tiru: (I draw it and show), Sir, this is the base circle and this is the generating line that rolls without slipping on it. Any point on it traces the involute curve.
M2: How do you manufacture involute gears?
Tiru: Sir, for mass production, we use hobbing. However, we can also go for simple shaping or milling too. But they are slow.
M2: What is the difference between hobbing and gear shaping?
Tiru: Sir, the principal is same except that the tool shape in hobbing is such that the cutting motion is continuous. The teeth are wound over a cylinder.
M2: Ok, can you tell me something about hydraulic pumps? What is a positive displacement pump and is there anything called negative displacement pump?
Tiru: Sir, there is nothing called negative displacement pump. We have positive or non-positive displacement pumps. The difference lies in the principle of operation. The positive pumps generate pressure by reducing the volume occupied by the fluid. The non-positive ones work on generating the pressure head by consuming the kinetic head as per Bernoulli’s equation.
M3: I see that you were also into bodybuilding and power lifting? What is the difference and use of these sports?
Tiru: (I explain)
M2: But bodybuilding is not a team sport. Don’t you think it is better to play team sport to develop team spirit?
Tiru: (I defend and accept the view of the member)
M3: Can you compare yoga with bodybuilding?
Tiru: (I compare and enumerate advantages and disadvantages of both)
M3: Regarding the question madam asked about wooden and concrete sleepers, I want to ask you one more thing. What is the advantage of wood over concrete?
Tiru: I don’t know exactly sir.
M3: What do you think about vibrations?
Tiru: Yes sir, wood is a better damper than concrete.
M3: So what should be done if we use concrete?
Tiru: Then we have to introduce dampers sir.
M3: Yes, we have to use dampers. Good. As you have worked in the field of fluid power, can you define what is a fluid?
Tiru: An ideal fluid is one which doesn’t offer any shear resistance i.e. no shear strain gradient is formed when subjected to shear stress. However, generally fluids form a strain gradient based on Newton’s law of viscosity as they deviate from ideal.
M3: Is air fluid?
Tiru: Yes sir, Air is a fluid.
The members indicate to the chairman that they have finished asking questions.
Chairman: Thank you Mr. Tirumala. Your interview is now over. You may leave now.
Tiru: thank you madam, thank you sirs.

I got up and walked out of the room. The interview lasted around 20 minutes.

Tiru
(I have qualified in IES. All India 38th Rank. The results came on 8th June 2007)

2007-05-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

ZOR KA JHATKA, DHEERE SE LAGA…

I caught an auto and Sandeep, my roommate, accompanied me to UPSC on the day the results came. There was already a crowd standing outside and checking their results. We rushed to the spot. It was crowded but we jostled and reached near the board. I started from the top. I first checked if I have topped the exam. Grrrr…. It was not my name. Fine, let me see in top 50. I started sweating when I didn’t see my name in top 50. So, I am not an IAS. Let me see next 50 if I am at least an IPS. Tough luck again. Then I patiently went through complete list of 474. I was not there; I mean, my name was not there. I checked again. Sandeep too was sulking there, feeling wretched. He always believed that I would qualify. He looked at me, I grinned back. I told him to come out of the crowd. He wanted to check again. I said, no use, just come out. He came out.

We walked silently on the footpath. There were TV channels with their trucks and beautiful reporters lining up outside UPSC to interview the toppers. We decided to hold on for some time. We lit up cigarettes and smoked. The cameras were rolling for successful candidates. I could have been there. I daydreamed giving an interview to one of the beautiful reporters. The feeling of self-loathing took over. I controlled. I called up home and told my parents. I got SMSes from the friends, some asking results and some cheering me up for next time. In fact, I took it very lightly. The failure didn’t sink in. I was feeling fine. We caught an auto back. Sandeep went back to office; I walked back into Jia Sarai. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of what had happened. Had another sutta and chai. Sank into my room. One by one guys came over to express sympathy. They wore dead expressions as if they, and not I, had failed. I, in fact, enjoyed looking at them. I couldn’t mourn the failure as I had prelims coming up after 5 days and I had Engineering Services interview lined up the very next morning after prelims.

Now, everything is over, my roommate has gone home. I am packing my books and baggage to shift to Bangalore. I have decided to appear this mains exam from Bangalore. Now, slowly the magnitude of failure is sinking in. I sit whole day in my room and stare blankly at the walls. I get bored. I lie down and look at the ceiling. I get up again and stare at the walls. The pain has gone beyond threshold of perception. I am numb. I am taking a break from books. I need it to recharge my brain. I roam around Jia Sarai, my last few days out here. This place taught me all about competitions. This place is now trying to teach me to live with failures. Ya, nothing has changed. Just that I have failed. Even my internal organs are working fine. The birds are flying, the sky is blue, and the trees are green. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. Will it change if I die? Nope, nothing would change. Life would continue. Only I would change. How personal and how mean the failures are. It only affects the person involved.
Anyway, I am too numb to write blogs. Just blabbering something. I saw some comments on my previous blogs that really made me feel better. I thank the souls for leaving such encouraging words in comments. It sure helps when one is down. But I will bounce back. This exam has caught me pants down. I will not rest till I change the situation. But if someone said "Zor ka jhatka, dheere se lage", he was talking about civil services exam results.

2007-05-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

A GAME WITH LIFE

I was strolling down the road, whistling some tune, and i saw life coming towards me. Life looked at me, stroked its chin and smiled. I returned the smile. Then we started speaking,
"How 'bout a game of cards buddy?" Life asked
"mmmm...why not?'" I replied
"OK, but there's no fun if there is nothing at stake, let's have something at stake"
"Can you elaborate?"
"I mean, if you win, I will be your servant and serve you, you will be happy and if you lose, you would lose all your savings and a couple of years of your life, fair deal, ain't it?"
"But i am already happy and i think you are already serving me well"
"Nope, you can't be happy for long like this, take my word on that and besides, I promise that you would enjoy the game" Life pleaded
"Fine, I like adventures and if the game is enjoyable, let's play"
The game started. It went long. With every passing round, the stakes increased. All my saved money, a year and half of my life, hard work of 10 hours per day, my little joys, everything was on the table. On life's side, there were only promises which I couldn't see. But i knew that life never lies. Finally, we called it a show. I showed my cards. Life showed it's cards. My heart sank.

I failed to make it to final merit list of UPSC Civil services exam.

tiru

2007-04-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

MY IAS INTERVIEW

I was interviewed by the UPSC by Air Marshal (Retd.) Satish Govind Inamdar's Board on 2nd of April 2007. I was scheduled to be interviewed in the afternoon session and was called to report at 1.15 PM. My interview started at 5. 30 PM in the evening and I was the fourth candidate to be interviewed that afternoon. It lasted for a little more than half an hour (in contrast to previous candidates who were interviewed for 45 or more minutes each).

I was wearing standard formal dress. A navy blue pant, white shirt with a bluish tinge and was sporting a half Windsor knot on my tie to give a confident look. My shoes were shining and my hairs and nails were neatly cut. In short, a perfectly conventional look for the job I aspired for. While waiting outside I remembered all the Gods that I have come across in my life. I did a bit of 'Baba Ramdev' brand pranayam too. That cooled me down a lot. The previous candidate came out and was wearing a sad look. I asked him what happened. He told me that the board is asking a lot of useless factual questions. In fact they asked him the per capita income of Russia (I came to know later that this guy was doing PhD on Russia). The bell rang and the peon indicated me to go in. I opened the door gently and before I finished my standard 'May I come in Sir?", the chairman called me in.

The room was quite big and the table was almost round and majestic. There were five people seated around it with one chair was empty (for me!). I walked with a smile and long steps. The table was around 7 steps from the door. The chairman told me to take the seat as I was walking down but I stood near my chair, saw that one of the members is a lady, wished her first and then wished the others and only then took my seat. (I speak loud and my voice boomed in this room or so I felt under pressure.) The chairman looked quite younger than what I had thought. He should be around 64 years as per websites but he looked not a day older than 50. He had quite a presence on the table and had a dominating appearance.

(for the sake of simplicity, CM stands for chairman, M1 is the lady member, M2, M3 and M4 are other male members)

CM: So you are Tirumala

Tiru: Yes Sir.

CM: Date of Birth?

Tiru: 23 Dec 78 sir

CM: Place?

Tiru: Shimoga sir

CM: Good.

CM: Tiru or Thiru?

Tiru: Tiru sir.

CM: What's the difference?

Tiru: Sir, It is not 'tha' but 'ta' (the pronunciation was in Hindi script) and my name being with 'ti' and not 'thi'

M1: OK, but how does TTD spell it?

Tiru: Sir they call it Tiru and not Thiru.

CM: What were you doing in Dhanbad?

Tiru: Sir, My father was in Central Industrial Security force and hence liable to be transferred all over India. As we stayed with him...X (I was stopped here)

CM: Oh, CISF?

Tiru: Yes Sir

CM: You are an Engineer then why do you want to be a Civil Servant?

Tiru: Sir, given an opportunity the best will move towards the best. (I had heard it from senior candidate) Moreover, the depth and breadth of experience that a person gets in civil services cannot be matched by any other job. One also gets an opportunity to serve the society in an effective way and that's why I want to become a civil servant.

CM: Do you say that non Engineers are not fit to be civil servants?

Tiru: No sir

CM: So you mean to say that non Engineers too can become civil servants?

Tiru: Sure Sir.

CM: But in order to be an Engineer, you have taken a seat which would have otherwise gone to someone else and he would have served the industry whereas you have decided to leave it? what do you say?

Tiru: Sir, In Karnataka, many seats remain vacant every year in many colleges and as such I don't think I have taken any one's share.

CM: You mean to say that the number of candidates are less than the number of seats in Karnataka?

Tiru: yes sir, it is so even in Tamil Nadu.

(Another member was nodding the head in affirmative while I said this and CM looked at him and understood that I am not lying)

CM: You passed out in 2002. This is 2007. What were you doing all these days?

Tiru: Sir, I was campus selected into Wipro fluid power in bangalore while in college and after college I worked with Wipro for two years and then changed my job and worked with Eaton Industries in Pune for 1 and half years. In Nov 2005 I quit that job and came to Delhi to prepare for civil services.

CM: Why Delhi?

Tiru: Sir, it is because in Delhi one get good material for stu...X (X symbol will mean that i was stopped at that point)

CM: Material?

Tiru: Yes sir, study material like books, magazines etc.

CM: Fine. (Looks towards the members and gestures them to ask questions)

M1 (lady member): I see that you had psychology as one of your optionals. How did you find it? Was in interesting?

Tiru: yes mam, it was very interesting.

M1: How many papers you had in psychology?

Tiru: 2 papers mam

M1: What were they?

Tiru: The first paper was on principles and theories of psychology and the second paper was on applied psychology.

M1: How will you apply psychology in administration?

Tiru: Mam applied psychology deals extensively in organizational behavior. The knowledge will come in handy to run any part of the administrative setup. The knowledge of various motivation theories will give me a chance to motivate my team to perform better. I also know community psychology. It is the application of psychological principles to solve social problems so that people can grow and realize their potential....X

M1: Why did you leave your job? Do you think you were a misfit there and that's why you want to move to civil services?

Tiru: No mam, in fact i was doing very well. I was a certified green belt in Six Sigma and my roles and responsibilities were growing every day...X

M1: What's your first option?

Tiru: IAS mam

M1: Why not IFS?

Tiru: (thinking for two seconds). Mam, to tell it in engineering terms, it all boils down to the leverage effect. An IAS (i lift my hands and place one finger of one hand on another finger of other hand to form a see saw lever) officer has a bigger leverage to work for society compared to IFS. The fulcrum position is better in his case. And mam, though I am proud to represent my country as an IFS, still I would prefer IAS due to this reason. However, it doesn't mean that I look down upon IFS. I consider both equally respectful. However the canvas to paint for an IAS is much bigger in scope due to the breadth and depth of the job.....X

CM: what is this breadth, depth and such terms? Did they teach you this in mock interviews or is it your own words? You know, coaching institutes and such places.

Tiru: (Smiling), Sir I don't believe in mocks or coaching as they are run now. These words are very much my own. In fact even to understand psychology I went to a reputed professor in Delhi University rather than going to run of the mill institutes. (The CM was looking at me as if he was expecting some more words on it but I kept quiet. I felt I had already spoken too much. He looked towards M2 and M2 takes over)

M2: So Tirumala, I saw that you said you can serve the society in an 'effective' way. What do you mean by that. What is effective?

Tiru: Sir, as an engineer I have a scientific approach towards any issue. As I said sir, I am a green belt in six sigma and that gives me a very effective tool to tackle processes....X

M2: Do you know anything about inflatable solar collector?

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M2: It's OK. Do you know about C A D and C A M. Can you tell me what is the advantages by using it?

Tiru: Sir, CAD stands for computer aided design and CAM stands for computer aided manufacturing but the latest buzz is CIM which stands for computer integrated manufacturing. It utilizes the synergies of CAD and CAM with an automated manufacturing setup. One can make a model using a CAD tool like Unigraphics and can readily export it after converting it to NC codes which is an inbuilt feature of the regular CAD tools and it goes to manufacturing....X

M2: You are explaining the process. I know it, can you tell me the advantages?

Tiru: yes sir, the errors comes down as the NC programming is automatic, that's number one. Number two, the total time from design to manufacturing comes down in such a setup and number three, because of these two the turnover time decreases and customer satisfaction increases.

M2: Good.

Tiru: thank you sir.

(when i was answering i was looking at all the members one by one and when i looked at the chairman, he indicated by hand to look at the member who asked the question and i devoted more time to M2 while answering his question)

M2: Tirumala, Rajiv Gandhi once said that out of every rupee allotted for the schemes, only 17 paise reaches the intended and remaining is wasted. What is your take on this sentence?

Tiru: Sir, When Raviv Gandhi said that, he was talking about our system. What he meant was that the system is so huge that the inertia and friction itself takes up so much money. He was not talking of corruption here but about the size of the system, the salaries to be given to people in it, the money that goes in maintaining files etc...X

M2: Don't call it system, call it delivery mechanism...and yes you are correct there but do you have any suggestions to bypass this mechanism so that this wastage is not there?

(I took a moment to think...around 2 seconds)

M2: Don't worry, you can take your own time...write it down if you wish..

Tiru: Thank you sir, I think decentralization is one answer. Sir, the funds can be directly allotted to grass root level panchayats. They can directly work on the schemes. That's one solution. Apart from that, one can also think of funding the NGOs who are working directly with people.

M2: Good.

Tiru: thank you sir.

M2: How can you apply IT in governance or in administration. And tell me very specifically how can it reduce wastage, time and corruption?

Tiru: Sir, IT as a process can be an integral part of administration. To answer corruption, in India corruption is basically what one calls speed money. The files goes into the system, one doesn't know where the file is, or how to move it and hence pays money to move the file or to know the status. Once the process is computerised, the whole process can be tracked online e.g. our passport system where a number is given and the status can be tracked online. That might weed out corruption. Coming to wastage, as the complete data is online it saves a lot of paperwork and trees and also the manual labor of calculations. Due to these two, the efficiency increases and will certainly lead to decrease in total turnover time for customers.

M2: How can you improve the process?

Tiru: Sir, if the process is already established one like our administrative setup, then one can use tools like DMAIC from six sigma which stands for Define, Measure, Analyze, Improve and Control. The process has to be studied in detail, to start with customers have to be identified which in this case might be the citizens using the services....X

M2: The customers are well known here.

Tiru: That's good sir. Now the Critical to quality issues for customers have to identified which....X

M2: Ok, how much time do you think will take to improve the whole system....is two or three years sufficient?

Tiru...mmmmmm in fact sir, I believe the system is too huge to change in one go, in say two or three years, it would take time.

M2: Look at your whole career or say 30 to 35 years...would that the enough?

Tiru: Certainly sir, that's quite enough time to completely overhaul the system but it has to be a joint effort by all.

M2: Good

Tiru: thank you sir.

(Till this point the interview was dominated by me...or so I felt, as i was talking aloud, in clear tone and the board members were very supportive. From this point onwards, they tested my composure in adverse conditions. My voice didn't change and i didn't waver. But yes, it was really tough to maintain my poise as situation took a turn for worse)

M3: OK, Tirumala there is some issue with currency exchange rate, something to do with dollar to rupee and things like that...any idea what is it?

Tiru: yes sir, the rupee is appreciating with respect to dollar and that is a cause for concern for exporters and at the same time a good news for importers. And sir, I am not sure how it works but I read that it would also bring down inflation.

M3: No, no...this is not what I meant....Tell me specifically, how would it affect IT industry?

Tiru: Sir, the IT industry bills their overseas customers in dollars or in Euros and hence for the same amount of euros or dollars coming in, they will have less rupees after conversion. That would decrease their margin.

M3: And what would happen to Auto industry?

Tiru: Sir, using the same logic the Auto exporters too will take a hit.

M3: No, that is wrong. Think like a mechanical engineer, the auto industry has anicilliary and main makers etc...can you now tell?

Tiru: I am extremely sorry sir but I don't know the answer.

M3: Ok leave it. There is some issue with petrol and diesel and there is some arguments going on..what is it?

Tiru: Sir the petrol and diesel prices are going up.

M3: No no, I mean there is some other issue. Using it in automobiles etc..think in that line.

Tiru: Sir the last century was oil century and this would be gas century. We will have more use of gases in automobiles and less and less petrol and diesel as we go along.

M3: No no. that won't happen for next thirty years. Think in lines of pollution.

Tiru: Yes sir, both are polluting in nature as they produce....X

M3: No no, you are a mechanical engineer, think in terms of the engines.

Tiru: Sir, in past thirty years or so, diesel technology has made a lot of progress due to improvement in fuel injection technology and they have become silent and hence all major car manufacturers are now releasing a diesel versions...X

M3: No no...i was not asking that. OK, leave it. Do you have any idea as to how many cars India produces each year?

Tiru: Sorry sir, I don't have the figures.

M3: Do you have any idea how big is our auto industry?

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M3: Looks like you don't know anything about industries. Tell me which industry do you know about.

Tiru: Sir, I have worked in hydraulic industry for more than 3 and half years. You can ask about that.

M3: (he had a pencil in hand all the time which he put it down now as if giving up): I don't know anything about hydraulic industry.

(I was quite relieved)

M4: Tirumala, I see that you do bodybuilding. Do you still do bodybuilding?

Tiru: No sir, that was during college days. I now concentrate more on maintaining my fitness.

M4: So you go to gym?

Tiru: Yes sir.

M4: How much weight do you lift?

Tiru: 90 kgs in bench press. 80 kgs in squats and 130 kgs in dead lift sir.

M4: What is the world record in olympics?

Tiru: Sir, powerlifting is not an olympic sport.

M4: Ok, in commonwealth?

Tiru: Not ever here sir but there are competitions at other places and in dead lifts people are lifting around 700 pounds and that works out around 320 kgs.

CM: What is difference between bodybuilding and powerlifting?

Tiru: Sir, powerlifting is all about strength and bodybuilding is about beauty of muscles. In powerlifting one has to perform squat, deadlift and benchpress and the combined total weight is taken to judge the strength and in bodybuilding one has to pose and show his muscles.

CM: You do blogging? What is it? What do you do?

Tiru: Sir, blogs are online diaries which can be used to express one's thoughts or events. Even to share points of view on issues of general nature. I maintain three blog sites sir.

CM: What kind of books do you read?

Tiru: Sir I read any book as long as it is interesting which I judge by reading first few pages. If you ask what i am reading right now, I am reading Malgudi days by R K Narayan and before that I was reading Foundation by Isaac Asimov which is a science fiction and before that I read The inscrutable americans by anurag mathur and before that mritunjaya by shivaji savant and and few novels by John Grisham...X

M4: Ok, tirumala have you seen the roads and the highways?

Tiru: yes sir,

M4: How are they?

Tiru: good sir.

M4: No I mean, what is the shape, convex, concave or straight...how does it look like. (makes shapes with hands and shows)

Tiru: (I make my hands convex and show the shape): Sir it is convex.

M4: What's that called?

Tiru: Banking....no sir, it is not banking....I am sorry I don't know.

M4: It is called camber.

Tiru: thank you sir.

M4: Now tell me, why is this camber there?

Tiru: I am not sure sir.

M4: Take a guess.

Tiru: Maybe sir because the wheels give loads on ends of the roads and over a period of time....X

M4: No no that's not the reason.

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I don't know.

M4: It is for drainage purposes. That way, the water will flow sidewards and not collect at the centre.

Tiru: yes sir, that's logical. Thank you sir.

M4: Why is banking given on turns?

Tiru: To avoid vehicles from toppling over or skidding while taking a turn.

M4: and why does vehicle topple or skid?

Tiru: Sir the centrifugal force acting on the vehicle makes them do so. The reaction force tries to balance the centrifugal force acting inwards and when centrifugal force is more the vehicle topples.

M4: Centrigual force acts inwards?

Tiru: mmmmm...

M4: How does the vehicle topple?

Tiru: Outwards

M4: Then how should the centrifugal force act?

Tiru: yes sir, I was wrong, it actually acts outwards and in fact centripetal is the one acting inwards.

M4: Think again. I think you were right earlier.

Tiru: (I was really confused now...and though i knew i was wrong earlier but i took a moment here. All the members on the board broke into smiles and started laughing slowly. I too looked at them and we all laughed): Sir...X

M4: So you are confused.

Tiru: Sir I accept that I am confused.

CM: But you should know this. This is basic.

Tiru: yes sir, I accept I should know this. I agree.

CM: Do you know about the differential gears used in two wheelers?

Tiru: Sir as per my knowledge they are used in four wheelers.

CM: yes yes, wahi wahi. Tell me why is it used?

Tiru: sir when a vehicle takes a turn the radius of turn for the outer wheels is more than that for inner wheels due to which the number of effective turns required for the outer wheels is more than that required for inner wheels....X

CM: Why do engineers speak so technically. Tell me what will happen?

Tiru: Sir the tyres will wear faster.

CM: That's all? What's the major effect? That's just a minor effect.

Tiru: I am sorry sir, I can't recall any other effect.

CM: The axle will break. Remember the horse drawn carriages? Have you seen bailgadis? (Bailgadi = bullock cart)

Tiru: yes sir, bailgadis don't have differentials.

(I don't know why but when i said that all members in the board laughed.)

CM: Ok, tell me what differential mechanism do they use in trains.

Tiru: I am not sure sir.

CM: Think again. Don't you think they need differentials?

Tiru: To take a guess sir, the effective turning radius is very big for trains and they may not need them.

CM: But the load is very high. So they do need them.

Tiru: yes sir, that's logical.

CM: Ok, then take a guess. There are many types of differentials. Hydraulic, pneumatic, mechanical etc. What type they are using?

Tiru: I am afraid sir, I don't have any idea. However it sounds interesting to me and next time I am on a train, I will make it a point to bend down and see what differential mechanism they are using.

CM smiles at me.

CM: Tirumala, your interview is now over. Good. Do you have any suggestions for the board?

Tiru: No sir.

CM: Do you have any suggestions for the exam system?

Tiru: No sir.

CM: You may leave now. Thank you.

Tiru: Thank you sirs. thank you mam.

I get up from the chair. Take two steps back. Turn around and walk out of the door.

I come out. I meet the last candidate who is waiting outside the room. I wish him all the best and come out of UPSC. Now I am waiting for the results. It all depends on how much I score in mains and in this interview. Hopefully things will work out well. Fingers crossed till then. The results are expected around Mid May.

Tiru

(I got 180 marks out of 300 for this interview. Refer the marks details in another blog above)

2007-03-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

Cleared the Mains

007389.........007393.......007396.....yes...yes...yes...it's there...my number is there....I cleared my mains exams. I got a call for the interview. Thank God...thank everyone...what a feeling! mmm...in fact...what a relief!
The results of mains exam were declared on internet today afternoon around 12.30. Whole of Jia sarai was on roads...discussing the results. Some were happy (those who cleared), some were sad (those who couldn't make it) and some were neutral (those who had not appeared). It is not easy to digest failure as it is one year gone by without anything positive to take home. Some of my good friends couldn't make it. And though I am happy about my result and those who cleared, at the same time, I am at loss of words to talk with those who didn't. I feel sad for them as i know that they too deserved to be there as much as I.
The next step is interviews. And the marks are additive. i.e. the mains marks (out of 2000) will be added to the interview marks (out of 300) and the merit list would be prepared. There are around 600 seats and the number of candidates called for interview is around 1450. Out of these 600 around top 70 will be IAS. That's everyone's dream. Including mine. Here I reproduce the earlier blog I wrote when I cleared my prelims in August to explain the whole selection process for those who don't know:

The scheme of civil service exam goes like this:
Stage I : Preliminary exam (in May):
around 200000 students appear for objective type exam(out of more than 300000 who acually fill the form)Results of preliminary: announced in Aug (aug 10th this time): Around 6000-10000 qualify based on total number of seats available. I was here in August. I was in the qualified list (i.e. in that 6000-10000). This stage separates men from boys.

Stage 2: Mains exam:

The qualified students appear for a 9 paper wide subjective tests spanning over a month from oct to november.Results of mains arrive in March (the following year). It came today on March 14th. Around 2.5 times the total requirement is selected for next stage viz. interview. Here big shots are separated from men. I am here right now.

Stage 3 : Interview:
A month long process and each candidate faces a board of eminent people. The interview marks are added to the marks obtained in mains exam. Then the merit list is prepared.

Final Result:
The final list comes out by first week of May (just before the preliminary of the following year). Here babus are separated from big shots. The selected ones go into babuland....and never come out.

So....still some way for me to go....it was just the second hurdle I cleared....

Wish me luck buddy...see you in babuland....

Tiru

2007-03-01T05:18:00.000-08:00

SHITTY FEELINGS

Shit. A piece of it. A big one. I just feel like a big piece of shit. I am down with cold and cough and mild feverish feeling (not sure whether it is really fever or just the trailer). I float when I walk. Had a coupon of 5 rupees with me to surf Internet. Floated here and writing this blog just to see how the blog comes when one is not fully in elements. The results have not yet come. The engineering services results will come in April (reliable sources in Jia sarai say) and Civil services mains results will come anytime next week. Meanwhile, my roomy went home. He was ill. I guess he passed the virus to me while moving his ass out. Now the virus colony is thriving inside me. Making me dizzy. I see other fellows floating on road. Many are ill. It seems it is viral season in Delhi. Don't know but it is sure one for Jia sarai. If one person gets virus here, it won't take much time to spread to everyone. The lanes and houses are designed that way. Perfectly optimized to spread the micro-organisms.
Read the complete budget speech by PC today morning. Economic times had covered it. I feel it is a better paper than 'the biased Hindu'. I got hooked to ET around two months back. Now, I get a better perspectives of things. I always thought future trading of commodities is bad for people till I read ET. For sure, Power is Knowledge. And yes, ET sprinkles a lot of semi nude photos at all odd places in newspaper making it really spicy. In comparison, the Hindu gives photo of only Paul Krugman in the center page, not too sexy to look at as the first thing in morning. And he blabbers all about America's problems, their taxes, their living standards, their presidential choices, their feelings, their toilet paper costs etc. Who cares!!! We are in India. But anyway, coverage of international affairs is better in 'the Hindu' except for the fact that their international affair starts and ends with Fidel Castro. Even if Fidel farts, it is news for Hindu. "Fidel feels better today", "Fidel's latest video released", these can well be headlines. For other papers, Fidel doesn't exist. I am waiting for a day when I would read "Fidel farts louder than yesterday". Let's see, I hope Hindu won't let me down. And this should happen fast as Fidel has very few days on earth. He is already very old you know. Well about these stuffs sometime later but yes, ET reading is fun. Economy is fun with these fellas. Times group knows how to entertain, though they may be bad at informing.
OK, now i feel better. Blogging is like a tonic. I feel as light as a happy stomach after a mighty burp or the lower intestine after a stinky fart. Whatever!! Will go out and have a gingery chai. These fellows add ginger copiously into tea and though i hate it at other times, it is good when one is in my condition. The fellow in front of me (on the other side of comp) is digging his nose. Rhinothilexomaniac you know. Common problem in India. Many are addicted. Now he is checking his genitals. Scratched it. Gee, he got up. Going out. Went. Saala chutiya.
Anyway, time to move now....don't know what i have written..have to come when in senses and edit...posting it for the time being....excuse for typos and grammos.

tiru

2007-02-18T05:03:00.000-08:00

THE WAIT

The results of UPSC exams are supposed to come anytime. I expect good results in two exams that I appeared last year. One is Engineering Service exams (results due any moment) and the other is IAS mains (resultS expected in first or second week of March). In fact, everyone expects good results. Failure is no option. It means a year gone waste. Not exactly waste, but in a way, nothing less than waste.
One learns things from failure. So nice to hear/preach this but so difficult to bear when it comes to oneself. One never learns from failure. One bears them. Grudgingly. That process of bearing teaches things. Not the failure. I can already see the desperate eyes moving around in Jia Sarai. I see the pain of long wait. I see the anxiety. I see the worry lines. I see the anticipation. I see a mix of feelings. I see so much that now I don't see. Rather I choose not to see.
The results mean a lot to me. And to everyone who appears in this exam. A favorable result will lead me into interview (final stage) and an unfavorable result will negate all my good work of last year and make me stand at the beginning line. To start the race all over. Will I have the courage to pick up from there then? Will I feel the same strength in my shoulders to carry the weight of expectations? Will my brain cells support me? Will my body take all those long night outs for studies all over again? Will I have the guts to stay in these crowded yet lonely, dark lanes of Jia Sarai? Can I manage one more year in a 6 feet by 8 feet room where I and my books jostle for space? Will I have money to make my ends meet in case I want to take up the exam again? Will I have the will to take on? Take on the challenge?
The same questions bother others too I suppose. When I wish that I should get through, I also wish that all those who appeared and worked hard should clear the hurdle. But I know, all can't get through. Some might be left out. That 'some' is a big lot. The question is, whether I belong to this 'some' lot or the cleared lot? It does mean a lot.

Tiru

2007-02-18T04:53:00.000-08:00

Addicted

Competition gives me high. It makes me feel alive. When I compete, I am completely in the present. I lose the time sense. I forget my limitations, I forget my worries, and I cease to have multiple identities. In fact, when the competition is at the peak, I merge with whatever I am doing. There is no difference between the actor and the activity.

Competition implies instability. One may succeed or fail while competing. Stability implies prediction. I hate to have a predictable future. Uncertainty is life. Living life on the edge is actual living. The motor neurons perform best when there is danger to life. The brain neurons fire best when they are under pressure to perform. Observe the sentences in this paragraph. They are short. Sentences formed by someone competing. No nonsense approach. Like rain drops falling. Do you see the hurry it implies? Do you see the sense of urgency? Do you see carelessness towards trivial things of life? Do you see a higher sense of purpose?

I love to fight. I can’t have physical fights now. I am grown up. So I fight mentally. That’s where competition comes in. I can virtually fight with millions who are competing with (or against?) me. I might win or lose. That’s not important. What’s important is the act of competing. I am fully alive throughout the process. The process ends after the results are out. Then what would I do? I can compete again if I lose. What if I win? I need one more competition. I am an addict. And I know there is no way out of this addiction. I will be this way all my life. Chucking stability and welcoming challenges. Why? You feel I am crazy? No, I am not. I have to do this, as I know that the day I stop competing, I am dead. And you see I don’t want to die anytime soon.

Tiru

2007-01-20T01:59:00.000-08:00

A Gowda in Sarai

Somashekara Gowda visited Jia Sarai last week. Basically Somashekara means, one who shakes his body (soma=body and shekara=one who shakes). But i am yet to see someone steadier than our Somashekara Gowda. Once he decides, he gets it. He was my college mate and now he is preparing for civil services (Pub Ad + Geography optionals) and that too while working. I wish him all luck.

We called him 'Gowda' (no relation with Deve Gowda though). A studious guy in college, he even skipped going home during holidays to catch up with his studies. As I was one more moron who skipped going home, Gowda's friendship was handy for arranging lunch (sometimes). He had a rice cooker you know. Ah, the taste of puliogere mix and hot rice...i can never forget those days.

OK, now coming to looks, he resembles a grown up Dexter from Dexter's laboratory. With similar glasses and studious look. I have never heard him speaking anything about love, lust or money. Well, till i showed him around in Delhi last week. He never boozes, never smokes and never tried Marijuana. Had Sankaracharya been alive today, he would have pointed out our Gowda to show how an ideal student should look like and act.

Last week, after meeting guys in Jia Sarai, taking tips for preparations from them and buying tonnes of books, we roamed around in Delhi markets and Akshardham temple. Now, I have a tendency to look at girls (rather stare at them) wherever i go, but Gowda, from the time I recall, was never interested in such things. Things change in Delhi.

After the musical fountain show in Akshardham, we bought some food and sat outside and chatted.

"yes, Gowdare, so...what do you feel about the people in delhi?" I asked

"They are all white-white in color, especially the girls" said Gowda

"Not white white gowda, it's fair you know"

"Look there, there's one blackey among them" Gowda pointed to a man coming with a plate

"ya..."

The man came around and sat next to us and started talking in kannada to his wife.

"Shit, this blacky is also a kannadiga" Gowda observed

Later while coming out, Gowda was deep in thought. I guesstimated he is meditating on something important. Suddenly, he said,

"Tiru, I feel one should come to Delhi to marry, you know you have got good girls out here, beautiful girls"

Boy...was that Gowda speaking? I thought Earth would shake and sun would rise from the west. I felt almost like removing all my clothes in winter and run all the way shouting, "Eureka"

I believe that was the compliment of the year for girls of Delhi as it came from Gowda, the man who never speaks about girls.

Tiru

2007-01-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

History and Economy of Jia Sarai

Jia sarai is a maze of lanes, small and big. The buildings are haphazardly constructed on irregular sites. Just like that. No planning, no architecture. Each building is around 4 floors high, each floor has many rooms. The size of the room may vary from 6 feet by 8 feet to 12 feet by 10 feet. Few buildings have 1 BHK flats on each floor apart from just rooms. A building owner here comfortably makes anything from Rs. 40000 to Rs 100000 (tax free as they seldom pay tax on rent collected from students). Ground floors are generally reserved for owners or let out as shops. Jia sarai is a hub for students preparing for competitive exams like IAS, NET, JEE, PSUs etc.
Jia sarai was a small village during Mughal times. There are various such sarais around. Each of them generally dominated by one family (e.g. Gaurs of jia sarai). The main occupation during that time varied from tilling to cattle farming. The British didn't interfere much with the villages. Till Lutyens came to plan New Delhi. He uprooted various villages in Southern part of Delhi (during those times there was no single identity called south delhi but a scatter of small sarais or villages). Many of them survived as they were outside the planned city. Jia Sarai is one such village. The villages were not considered a part of the capital city and government decided to declare them red tape area (Lal Dora) for revenue collection purposes. That was during British times.
Times changed.
Delhi changed.
South Delhi developed into the richest part of India (per capita income of south delhi is 1.5 lakh, a mind boggling figure by Indian Standards). The sarais in between are still considered Lal Dora areas by Indian Government. The revenue collection method is different. No stringent laws that apply to capital areas apply here. The residents of sarais are considered as villagers (villagers driving Honda city?) No specifications for buildings exist in sarais. One can build to one's fancy. One can open shops anywhere (that explains numerous hole in the wall tea shops in jia sarai). Even the rules of closing time of shops (viz. 11PM) does not hold here (and that's why you see a Pande selling paratas or a Pandit operating his tea stall at 3 am or for that matter Subhash Yadav's 24 hour sify internet parlor).
The owners generally didn't do anything except collecting rent and enjoying life. Some run the shops for fun, just like that. But the major income is from the rents. People who were farmers once now own swanky cars. They have not developed any other skills such as business/education as they never felt the need (till now!!)
Cut to today. The owners are rich. They increase rent on their whims to grow more rich. Students pay through their noses just to have the environment for studies. As the rents increased, coaching centeres (there are still quite a number of them for various exams) of jia sarai started to look out e.g. Ensemble moved out of jia sarai last year. Jia sarai rooms are now being occuied slowly by working bachelors as they can afford the rents (but they are migratory birds who would fly away the moment they find better place). The number of students today has drastically come down when compared to say four years before. Also the emphasis of UPSC on arts subjects took away the sheen from science subjects thus driving the students north (jia sarai was famous for science optionals in civils and north delhi for arts). Yet, there is a considerable strength of students. Students are geese that are laying golden eggs for the owners in Jia Sarai. But it looks like things are going to change for worse in coming days. The signs are already there.
Recently the residents complained about the shops that are open all night. The owners/residents feel that the students are disturbing night's sleep as they talk aloud while taking chai/sutta. The police was called to help, which it did, by putting up a notice to close all shops by 11 PM. Now the shops close at 11PM. Students who do night outs for studies can't have the famous chai/sutta breaks. The rents are also increasing to a level where students are barely able to afford them. There are hardly any mentionable coaching institutes remaining in Jia sarai. If this continues, it would hardly take a year or two before the owners will lose actual sleep as there won't be many students to pay them regular rents. There is no reason why a student should stay in jia sarai when he can do the same preparation at other places which welcomes him. The so called environment effect (from chai sutta all time and circle of friends) is wearing down. Atleast the beginning is visible. The crack is there....it only needs time to propagate..unless something is done...fast...

Ever heard of the fool who killed the goose that laid the golden eggs?

If not, come to Jia sarai. You can see the owners of buildings.

Tiru

2006-12-29T21:50:00.000-08:00

Stoned view

We rolled two joints and inhaled. It was warm saturday morning in bangalore. I and Raghu (the guy who allowed me to stay without giving him any rent in his room for a week and also sponsored my meals out of sympathy), slowly relapsed into the blissful state we were in for the the past 3 days. Staring blankly on to the wall, we passed first 20 minutes.

Then Raghu suggested we go out and have something.

We walked, rather floated, to the nearby bakery.

I suggested we eat doodhpedas (milk sweet) or rosogollas (another type of milk sweet). He agreed. As we didn't find it there, we ordered a big 'dilpasand' (a multilayered poori with sweet fake cherries stuffed in between, it can be cockroach shit too, one can't really say). We sat near the bakery and munched on the stuff. I would puke at the idea of eating such huge quantities of cockroach shit when normal, but it was another state altogether and i didn't mind. Meanwhile we also called one of our friends who goes by the nickname dot C. He told us to wait where we are (taking pity on on states i guess).

We watched the world unwind in front of us. The whole crowd. From the place we sat, we could see the srinivasa nagara bus stand and the people waiting for the bus. A crowd. Some scratching their noses, some their vital organs (maybe to check whether it is still there or fell down somewhere in the crowded bus) and some simply with a blank stupid look. Autos, two wheelers, buses, cars, street vendors, assorted people passing by, everything became an object of interest. The world was in a hurry. And there I was, sitting near a bakery with a friend, stoned, without a worry in world. What is my occupation....waiting for results...and yes, masturbating when free. Seeing the people in hurry i loathed myself for wasting my youth and the energy. Shouldn't i be using my energy constructively. A nice girl passed by. Shouldn't i use my energy to chase her and lay her down and fuck her. I fantasized. Brain can fantasize in a better way when stoned. The feeling is almost real. I could feel my hands on her tender breasts, squeezing them while she squealed in ecstacy. O, Ah, ouch, till it would hurt. I remembered something and I saw down to see if something leaked. Nothing. It was just imagination. Again i started fantasizing. Continued till i gave her multiple orgasms. She was now screaming. Again i drifted back to reality. Again fantasized, came back. Three times. or thirty, lost count.

Boy!! Let me come out this cycle.

Let me speak to Raghu, who is sitting next to me, perhaps, fantasizing to fuck the aunty standing in the bus stand. "Maga, this whole world looks crazy right?" I mused

"Haudo kano (yes man), everyone looks unnecessarily in a hurry, without reason, they look silly"

"After getting stoned, i realize that all this shit is maya and nothing more"

"he he he he, haudo shishya, i too feel the same"

The dilpasand was over, and we both were surprised that it was over. I craved for more but controlled. Too much of cockroach shit is not good for health. The loathing in me was back.

You scum, wasting your time. Move your arse outta here. Get back to delhi and start studies. Stop your dope. This world is maya. Shit. Waste fellows, running around. Wanna fuck that girl out there. Atleast masturbate on her open mouth....hey what's happening...where is dotc...why hasn't he come yet....shall we wait till evening if he doesn't come....O see that aunty in saree....i would like to fuck her from behind......i think my brain has 50% occupation in sex.....let me fantasize....you scum....you might be an officer tomorrow....shame on you that you are thinking of fucking ordinary junta....get back and move your arse.....aaaaaa....eeeeeeee......aaaarrrrrggghhhhh.....

Cell phon rings.

Dotc "Where are you man"

Raghu " Illi kano...see here" and waves his hand...

Dotc spots us

He joins us. We walk back to room. Dot C telling some stories, Raghu and I floating with him.

Tiru

2006-12-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

So...what do you do?

Came back day before yesterday. Had been to my hometown. I am out of job for the past one year and one month to be precise. Preparing for the civil services you know. he heh heh.
I dreaded meeting relatives this time. Not because i don't like to look at their poker faces, but because i hate the first question that shoots from their lips and the feeling that follows. "So....what are you doing now?". Gee....the most difficult question to answer especially when i know that they know what i am doing...i.e. nothing. The conversation goes something like this (inevitably every time....):
Relative: "So...what do you do?"
I: "I am preparing for civil services"
Relative: "What is that?"
I: "IAS exam you know"
Relative: "So you want to be a collector?"
I: "Yeah...trying"
Relative: "But i heard you have to bribe to clear the exam?"
I: (grinning) "No...nothing like that"
Relative: "But what about your job?"
I: (what the fuck is he bothered about my job??grr...)"I quit it for preparing for this exam"
Relative: "I mean you quit that cosy job for appearing for this exam. You could have left the job after you cleared the exam"
I: (man..you are touching my private parts)"NO..the exam is very tough and one needs lot of dedication to clear it...so job and preparations can't be done simultaneously"
Rel: "But why it takes more than a year for this exam...so long procedure or are you failing again and again"
I: (shit...there i have to go again in full detail)"No this exam is of three stages.....blah blah blah (all details of exam)...."
Rel: "So you are in just second stage now"
I: (fucker...what do you know how difficult it is to reach just second stage...try once)"Yeah"
Rel: "But i still don't believe you can get in without bribe...one of my friend was telling that they ask lot of money"
I: (i know how to chase you...now you see)"I believe you might be true..i guess i will fall short of money and all that....would you like to contribute...few lakhs only you know...and you know i can return it to you once i become collector"
At this point, the relative tries to escape. Somehow. And i let him go.
The cycle repeats. One more relative...similar questions...same answers....i hate the detailing part. I hate answering stupid stuffs. The pitiful look they give me when they talk to me (especially lady relatives).....bechara...he has gone insane....left his job for an exam?...how ridiculus....nonsense...people marry and settle in his age...look at him...can't he learn from his cousins who are happily married recently....he won't get girl after few years...anyway who will give him girl when they know he is mad and leaves jobs for his fancy.....lunatic...crazy...wants to become an IAS....we want him to fail....O God please fail him....what our sons and daughters can't do how can this fanatic think of it..and what if he really does it...O Manjunatha...please fail him........and it goes on....I can help if they don't understand about the exam but what about jealous feelings. I have not even cleared my mains. I myself don't know whether i will get through. But my relatives are very sure that i will get through and are already jealous. May God bless them for keeping so much faith in me. I will try to fulfill their wishes.
Laughable. Insane...me? I don't know......them...i don't know.
I am back in Jia sarai. No one asks me now," So...what do you do?"
Here everyone is doing the same thing. Preparing for one or the other exam. It's so comforting.
I don't do anything.

Tiru

2006-11-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

Whither shifth thou....

I think, therefore, I need a break.

Going home after a year. Looking forward to just relax. Carrying Amartya Sen's "The argumentative Indian" with me. Also a copy of huge Bhagvadgita by Jayadeva Goendka. Bought it from Geeta press book stall in a book exhibition in Delhi. I had never seen such a big english Geeta before.

Shifted all my luggage to my new room yesterday and today. The books are the biggest luggage. 7 boxes of books i have. Huge boxes. From books of IAS preparations to work of fiction and contemporary issues. Big book, small book, red book, green book, all types of books. Was very tired. Someone is always shifting the luggage from some room to some other room in Jia Sarai. You can hardly miss it. Something like this world. Someone is dying every moment. Someone is taking birth. Shifting goes on. God is the shifter. Big time. He can shift any asshole from any fuckin place to another. He shifted me last year from Pune to Delhi. He wants me to shift to my native place now, just for a month.

So i have to.

Have to get up early tomorrow and catch the train. Journey is shit. This time it is AC shit. Brother sent an AC ticket. I generally book II class sleeper. Brother says II class has become very dirty now. I don't know. He says i don't care. I miss hawkers in AC. That's why i like II class sleeper. Suddenly i don't know where i am going. I am just going. Juuuuuussssssssttttttt goinnnnnnnnng.....like thaaaaaaaat only. Floating. The past is forgotten. The future is not known. The present is foggy. I float....just like that. I write. I blog. I read. But the I is giving me trouble now a days. I am trying to run. Run away from I. Who is running away from 'I' did i say? It's I. ha ha ha....i am going mad...he he he....who's going mad...hu hu hu.....it's I........so even after becoming mad.....the I persists......grrrrrrrr......

Tiru

2006-11-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

Anatomy of an IAS Aspirant

There are more than 3 lakh who apply for this exam. Only top 60 or so become IAS and few more get other allied services. So, what makes one still try for this exam. What is in it that which attracts people from all walks of life. There are engineers, there are doctors, there are PhDs in physics, philosophers, international affairs students etc. to name a few. IAS exam is supposed to be the toughest exam in the world in terms of the depth and breath of knowledge expected from the candiates. Is it just this fact that pulls them?
Nope. It can't be this simple. The best things to do to find out is this: Ask them.
Yes this is exactly what i did. I asked them. Many of them. In fact, whomever i met. So i got some data. Then i am a psychology student. So I also used my psycho brain to further analyze the data. Then i am a green belt in six sigma. So i also used statistics to find out if my conclusions are statistically significant or is it just random variation in the great game of Holy God. Finally, iam a blogger. So thought of inflicting my results on the innocent site called blogger and torture all those who come to read my blogs. (Generally no one reads blogs now a days as everyone is busy writing one!!, still bloggers are true karmayogis and are not bothered whether someone reads or not, they just do karma...ie. blogging) So... here i go.
Ist Class: The social servants:
These guys believe that they are born for social service. To help the people come up in life. They want to work for the society. To create a situation where everyone has opportunities to come up in life. IAS helps them to do so. Therefore they want to get into IAS. There are very few who belong to this class. They basically come from affluent families or established people from industry who have prior work experience and know that they need not worry about where the next meal comes from.
II Class: The Power cravers:
These people attach great value to the power that comes with the position of an IAS. The red bulb, the security personnel, the salutes, the bunglow, the people saalaming them and so on....These attach great value to the outward symbols which projects them as powerful. They may or may not be considerate towards needs of the society but they are certainly bothered about whether their car has that light on top or not. How high is the chair inside the office is more important than how comfortable the people under them are. This group is a bit bigger than the first group. These people also have political aspirations later in life. To become a politician or minister. The members of this group are either from families of civil servants or from influential members of society. However, they can be from any group but then they will also have something common with other groups especially with the III Class i discuss below.
III class: The money chasers:
They are behind the money. They believe that there is much to make in the flowing Ganges of corruption and it is foolish to stand aside and watch while others pamper themselves. So, they remove all their clothes of dignity and honour and are ready to jump naked into the river of corruption once they clear the exam. Unfortunately this is the biggest class. However it is also heartening that this class has the highest failure ratio in exam. Something is good about UPSC that it manages to separate these fishes somehow at some stage. I don't know how. Where do these candidates come from? They can be anyone from poor farmer's son who has toiled hard to send his son to delhi for preparations to a rich businessman's son. They have killing instinct when it comes to killing others. It hardly matters if the money that they are planning to make belongs to someone else rightly. They have many anecdotes to support their claims. They tell stories of straight officers who got posted into remote areas because they were not corrupt. They talk about people who got plush postings because they were corrupt. Their contact is contagious and they can turn anyone to believe that corruption is the only way to survive in babudom. You cannot beat them, so join them is their motto.
IV Class: The dodos:
I know that a dodo class exists in all exams. what i didn't know was that it exists in this exam too. Dodos are those who come to take the exam because their dying grandfather laid his hand on his son's head and pestered him to vow before goddess saraswati that he would make his son (i.e. his grandson) an IAS officer(typical hindi film style). I had a batchmate in a coaching class who wanted to clear this exam just because it was her mother's wish. God...why doesn't everyone's mother wish the same. Anyway, there are considerable number of people whose father, mother, mama, chacha, tata, tau or anybody in the family inspired...nay...pestered him/her to appear for this exam. Needless to say, the motivational level of this group is a bit low and hence the success ratio.
V Class: The downtrodden:
No, i am not talking about the reserved candidates. They are good enough. The downtrodden here means those who have never tasted success in their life and want to prove to the world once and for all what they are. I had a friend of mine who was suffering from this syndrome. It is actually a psychological problem. People who are less than mediocre and believe that they are failures in life always choose tough goals. Why? So that they can fail and say. See...i told you it is very tough. And see, i am always a failure. this world is not just. It cheats me all the time. (On the contrary the high need for achievement people choose moderately difficult goals: this is McClelland's theory not mine). So these cribbers are also a part of crowd. Shall i tell whether they pass or fail?
VI Class: The Balanced:
This is a class that intrigues me most. This has good people in it. Talented. Smart. Professionals. They know where they are heading. They are ready to work hard. Put their efforts. They know what it takes to crack the exam. They can do it. They are ready to help the society but are also ready to take some money if need be. They are not very much bothered about power but they want it to achieve their goals. They have the highest success ratio. The drawback: They are not ready to challenge wrong practices, if it exists. Maintain the status quo and do what you can inside the system. Apart from this, they appear as the perfect candidates. Highest success ratio.
hmmm....so that was it. I don't know if some more groups exist.
If yes and if you know, do let me know.
Now, where do I belong?
Well...i don't want to tell right away.
Not on a blog atleast. :-)

Tiru

2006-10-30T21:34:00.000-08:00

The exams got over...a year ends....a chapter closes.....

The final bell rang. The invigilator took my psychology paper II answer sheet. For a moment, i feel empty...yes...empty to the core. My 'mains' exams got over yesterday.I waited for the exams to get over for long time. I didn't know that it feels so empty after that. I have nothing to do now except to wait for results. Had my exams gone bad, i would have started to prepare for next attempt. But now that the exams have gone well, i don't feel like reading. That amplifies my emptiness. I came back to room. Put on my mp3 player. Dashboard confessional's song comes on:

Hope dangles on a string

Like slow spinning redemption

Winding in and winding out

The shine of which has caught my eye (guess i got that right...)

And roped me in So

mesmerizing, so

hypnotizing I am

captivated I am... Vindicated

yeah...kind of. I wonder why i find meanings in songs only when i am in such moods. have a ticket to bangalore on 9th of this month. Don't know for sure if i would go home. I don't know....it's just blank...i need to unwind...that's all i know...

i go out to have tea. i see an auto. A guy gets down. Two bags...new fellow in jia sarai i guess. Yeah..it was a year back...exactly on nov 1st last year, i got down just like that. with two bags and a suitcase. A cycle completes. A year has passed. I am in a time wrap. In fact, jia sarai is a time wrap. whoever comes here, gets into this time wrap and comes out only if he gets selected in the exam or exhausts all his attempts. I have seen people turning 30. I have seen people leaving after failing 4 times. I have seen people getting into services.

Hope....joy...despair...darkness...fear....time...lonliness...emptiness....all shades coexist. Meanwhile i go on....i don't know what to do next....life is melting like the cigarette smokes going up and slowly disappearing. In thin air.

Just like that.

In Jia sarai.

The hustle bustle is the same. Just that i have grown a year older. Wise? I don't know. Only the results would tell. Or is it the time?The song continues....

So let me slip away

So let me slip,

against the current,

so let me slip away

so let me slip awaaaaay

Tiru

2006-09-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

Jha ji and moustache
Jha ji is proud of his thick moustache. I don’t have one. I mean I shave it regularly. But that doesn’t mean that Jha Ji can insult me. Last Sunday evening, while having our evening tea he exclaimed:

“mard ki mooch na ho to wo namard hai tiru ji. For example, you look like a chakka without your mush and long hairs he he he just joking tiru ji…don’t mind” (A man without his mush is like a no-man. Chakka - eunuch)

The tea stopped in my mouth.

Asshole! What does he think? Do I look like a chakka to him?

And yes, I do have long hairs but that never means I have to grow a mush too. But this is not a time to react. Let me think. Surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….tch…(that’s how I sip the tea when I am thinking). I am a student of psychology and Jha ji takes my word on psychology anytime.

I retorted:“Jha ji, let me today explain you the psychology of mush growers. When a child is developing psychologically, it passes through three distinct phases in sex identity. The first is called gender identity. In this phase the child learns that it is a male/female based on its sex organs and as the society tell it. Once the understanding is there, the next stage is gender stability. In this stage, the child understands that it will remain a male/female all through its life. The last and most important stage is called gender consistency. In this stage it understands that irrespective of what it does, the sex won’t change. Let me elaborate Jha ji. You may observe that small children will hate to mix with other sex. Like boys will not play with dolls. They will hate going out with girls, they would try to show off all male styles. Tell them to wear a skirt and they will take offence. This is because the third stage development has not happened. They think that if they do sissy activities they would lose their sex and will become female.Now, let me come to mush issue. There are some kids in whom the gender consistency development is not proper due to various psychological causes. They get fixated there. So after growing up they tend to show off outward symbols of machismo to defend their fear of sex conversion. This fear is subconscious. The biggest manifestation is through moustache. You see the people who have mush. They will touch and twist their mush again and again. Just checking whether their sex is still the same or not. Its like checking your sex organs again and again to see whether you are still of the same sex. The fear of not having developed gender consistency you know”

I saw Jha ji going pale. He smiled and didn’t say anything. I didn’t see him for next few days. I too am busy with my mains preparations. While coming to the net parlour now, I saw Jha ji. His mush is gone. For once, I have an odd feeling. Without mush, Jha ji indeed looks like a chakka.

(Maaf kijiyega jha ji…but I had to write that line. he he…don’t mind)

Tiru

2006-08-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Massage on Sunday

After a week of hectic studies, i resemble a zombie on move. So, i take a small rest for the first half of Sunday. Just to recharge myself. What do i do? I read newspapers and for a change i get away from the deep and drab ‘The Hindu’ and move to some masala stuffs like Hindustan times or the Times of India.
There is a part of newspaper i am very interested in. No, not the editorials. It’s The classified. And no, not the matrimony part, i know no one would offer me a girl at this stage. I read the section called ‘Health and Physical Fitness’. What better to expect from an ex bodybuilder, huh? Hold on buddy...you have not seen nothing yet...let me explain.
Aug. 20, Hindustan times classified, under the section “Health and Fitness’, the first ad reads:
Silk Route, Top class massage by top class royal model Indian beauty, presentable and very pretty, Indian dream girl masseurs. Something different, some thing extra. Always at your service. Call Jennifer...tel no...(no i won’t mention it you dirty, find it for yourself from the paper)
Now you know why i go to that section so religiously, week after week. I love reading those ads. And yes, if you think that’s a nice massage parlor, think again. Read between the lines. Royal Indian beauty (beauty with a royal moustache?). Dream girl masseurs? What about that something extra? Something different. How different? Always at my service..gee anytime you know. Got the stuff? Shall i explain what the massage is?
Ok, the next ad reads similar to the previous one but to emphasize they have added “2 reclaim your life”. that means, if your wife sucks, you can reclaim the lost joy here. The following ad beats it in standard, it clearly says “5 and 7 star only”. that means the masseurs will come (yes those female models) to only 5 or 7 star hotel. I have to be a dodo to believe that they would indeed come with a bottle of oil and will massage me. I know what they would give.
There are n number of such ads and all with horrible spelling and grammar but one can’t beat this in cryptic value:Unique beauties: Our gorgeous m/wr waiting 4 u, visualise ur perfect companion n u vil find them at 1-2-1-4 u. Call Sumit....tel. no....(mmm..i resist the temptation to call this number and ask the solution to the puzzle)
Ok, so some are bothered with diseases like HIV/AIDS too, so they clearly mention the word “hygienic beauties”. You know what i mean...clean, no diseases.
This one outsmarts others, Apart from other stuffs it clearly says ‘Your choice and budget’ and ‘all age group’. i.e. you can choose the person to massage you and quote your price. This is not fair. They should call open tenders. What about age..will they send a golden oldie to massage a nana.
OK there are also some cryptic styles which i could decipher after reading many classified over a period of time (and yes, every Sunday i visit this column). H/H means house/hotel supply only. M/F, ok i guess you know it very well..male/female. 24x7 means, anytime available. Hi-profile means costly. Male escort means pimp (yes they really use that word ‘male escort’ in ads)..there are other words too which only professions know i guess.
If you think only males are exploiting females, then you know nothing about the democratic way of our country. We are the biggest democracy and we follow it in all spheres. Check out this ad:
Male escorts service body massage by young tall handsome kashmiri, Afgani masseurs. Service 24 hrs. H/H service. Call....So females are not behind in exploiting males.
Now, i know it is not legal in India, but still homosexuals are out there. Check this one:
Dashing male to male body massage by delhi’s best and selected youngesters (sic.) all as per ur choice....And if you are not satisfied check this one out for homos,
Starzone, male 2 male gentle body massage by handsome edu. expert and selected boys.
The usp of this ad over the previous is that the guys are gentle and not dashing each other, they are educated, expert (in what?, certainly not in massaging i guess) and selected. Wish i could witness the selection process. As a psychologist i would have given them some suggestions about emotional quotient of candidates.
OK, i can harp on and on about these ads. But i am not in this dingy cyber cafe (best in jia sarai though) to tell about the special massage Indians are getting. Guys/Girls (yes, girls too should be there as males are also being exploited), let’s get open and clear on this. Either we should openly say that we love sex and legalize prostitution in India. Or else, we should abstain from such things and try to be true to our partners (he he he i said partners....). Why act? Why be a hypocrite? It is illegal in India to do such buisness and we do hear in papers where massage parlors gets busted every other day. Still these people dare to advertise in leading (yes the two papers viz. HT and TOI fought to claim that they are leader in Delhi in terms of circulation last year) newspapers.
And what’s the police doing? They just need to call up the given number, fix up a trap and catch them red handed. What’s the administration doing? I don’t think they are naive enough not to get the message or are they too getting massage from these guys/girls? It’s difficult to believe.
I stongly believe that the guys/girls up there in the ads are actually being exploited either for money or due to circumstances. Trafficked girls from bangladesh, nepal, bihar, all are there. And everyone acts as if nothing is happeneing. It’s happening right here in Delhi, the National Capital Territory. And our dear ‘with you, for you’ police force is turning a blind eye.
And yes, i am no great. I read the ads and enjoy them. Take vicareous pleasure. I am an ordinary reader. Why don’t you join me from next week. All you have to do is to head to your nearest newstand and grab a copy of HT or TOI.

Tiru

2006-08-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Cleared the Prelims

Yes, the preliminary exam results were announced today.
I entered my roll number 007396 and the message flashed on screen:
Congratulations! your roll no. 007396 figures in the list of successful candidates....
So...what does it mean...for novice, the scheme of civil service exam goes like this:
Stage I : Preliminary exam (in May):

around 200000 students appear for objective type exam(out of more than 300000 who acually fill the form)
Results of preliminary: announced in Aug (aug 10th this time): Around 6000-10000 qualify based on total number of seats available. I am here right now. I am in the qualified list (i.e. in that 6000-10000). This stage separates men from boys. So...UPSC says i am a man....
Stage 2: Mains exam:

The qualified students appear for a 9 paper wide subjective tests spanning over a month from oct to november.
Results of mains arrive in March (the following year). Around 2 times the total requirement is selected for next stage viz. interview. The number expected this time is around 1000 to 1200. Here big shots are separated from men.
Stage 3 : Interview.
Final Result: The final list comes out by first week of May (just before the preliminary of the following year takes place). Here babus are separated from big shots. The selected ones go into babuland....and never come out
So....a long way to go....
it was just the first step....

Wish me luck buddy...see you in babuland....

Tiru

2006-07-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

The death of 'tiru'

There’s something I now realize after writing so many pieces around. Anytime I write, blogs, a mail, or a page in diary, somewhere down under, I know that I am writing for someone to read it. When I write mails, at least I know whom I am writing to. Generally I try to confirm to the idea of ‘tiru’ that that person would have. I try to act in a way, rather write in a way which would perhaps please him/her. When I write blogs, I have an intended target which generally involves the friends I know. The general public who may read is involved but then I try to write in a way which would confirm to the idea of what I am to people who know and interact with me. The worst part is that even when I am writing a diary, I make sure that things are written in ways which make me look good if someone reads it, someday, sometime. There goes the very idea of maintaining a diary.
I really don’t know if this is the case with all but to be very true, that’s the case with me. I tried to analyze as to why this happens. Writing is a great liberator. Only if one can be true. It can throw out all the subconscious fears and desires. The former condition inhibits it. If one is true enough to write what’s ‘really’ on the mind, I believe the person doesn’t have any hidden feelings or fears. And that’s why such persons may never undertake to write. The one who writes is someone who has something to be thrown out, a point to be proven, a pinky to be thrust up someone’s ass, some crazy idea to be shared, a thesis to be presented, an idea to be communicated or just for fun. I have serious doubts about the people who just write for fun. Fun of what, for whose fun? I too thought I write for fun. But I lately discovered that I am not writing for my own fun but for the praises I may get for writing. That is fun. Generally after writing a piece, I ensure through some means that others know that I have written something for fun. The actual fun is when my friends return complements. I try to fine tune what I write in future based on the feedback I get. If they like something, I try to continue that style, if they don’t like something; I fine tune my style that generally suits them. Sounds crazy? Or is it familiar? It should be latter if you are not cheating.
Ok, let me elaborate the concepts. Why do politicians take on popular causes? How do they arrive at these popular causes? It happens something like this. First the politician takes up some issue at random. If it arises sympathy and emotions among people (which is acknowledged by their cheers or through some other means such as voting behavior), then one continues advocating for the cause, otherwise one drops and moves on to next idea. So, it’s what the people wish that the politicians utter. If someone thought politicians set the agenda for debate among people, let me clarity, it’s the other way round. If no one talks about ‘India Shining’ today, it is because the public didn’t cheer for it in the elections. Today we talk about ‘bharat nirman’. It may strengthen or kicked back tomorrow. Similar mechanism works in all of us.
There is a subconscious desire in everyone to be praised, the need for self esteem. The ‘ego’ always wants to grow. It can either derive energy from inside, that is from the ‘id’ (if you know, it is the subconscious part of our mind, the natural and innate desires of human, which are generally sexual and biological in nature) or from outside through the ‘ego’ of others. The former is difficult owing to the restrictions put up by the society. I may feel like having sex with every other nice female I see on road due to my ‘id’ impulses, but as that would lead to my destruction (no, not due to exhaustion but due to societal restrictions), I would refrain from obeying my ‘id’ feelings. Growing by fulfilling ‘id’ demands is animal, not human. But trust me, if a society allows ‘id’ feelings to manifest in its true form, that society is the most blessed one. The most free of them all. Perhaps, the ancient society of ‘Caligula’ era was close to it.
So, to satisfy myself, I would agree to live in societal restrictions and obey the rules (superego what they say). I would try to choose the latter way of ego building. Grow with the help of other’s egos. There are various ways to get praises and grow the ego. Some ways are like working one’s ass off in an office and take promotions, studying hard to top an examination, and working out in a gym to get big biceps, acting in a likeable to woo females etc. and then there’s writing.
So, that explains why I write the way I write, that explains why politicians do what they do, why you are working you ass off in that stinking office, why you try to appreciate the shitty ideas your boss passes on to you and why one feels happy when others flatters them, even when it is false and one knows it. It is to satisfy the self. To make the ego grow.
Having explained why I write the way I write, let me actually get to the point I am trying to make. It’s about being true. I have been fighting for this for long time. Every time it eludes me. Whenever I am with someone, I try to gel with the other, at the cost of what I feel. To some extent, I can feel that my friends too compromise for me. Maybe, there are one or two of them around who do not actually do that with me, but then I have seen them doing it with others. They may be open with me due to closeness but with others, again the game of scratching begins. I scratch yours, you scratch mine is the motto. We both are feeding each other’s egos. How to get out of it? Can I be free? And yet not lose friends around. Can I be true without turning the relationship sour? Can I tell someone that his thoughts stink if they do. I have tried doing it and the results were unfavorable which made to get into that fine tuning mode and correct myself. Back to square one.
Lately I am staying alone (yes, the above ideas are the result of being alone) in a room with attached bathroom. I am not obliged to help someone’s ego to grow as my interactions are very restricted. For a talkative person like me, it was pure hell initially, my mind made funny noises. I realized that though physically alone, the brain is not allowing me to be alone. That’s when I started questioning the very basics of the activities I do. That’s when I realized that I am living down the image of ‘tiru’ that I have created in the society. That’s when I seriously doubted my goal. Am I really doing it for myself or to live down the image that ‘tiru’ is a person who can reach the goal? If I am just the image that is created by my very own brain, then what’s real me. Does it exist? If yes, how’s it to look at. How does it feel to be ‘real’ me?
I see that everyone is living down the image they have projected. The image is reinforced back by others. It’s the same ego scratching principle. If my friend says that he wants to grow rich, I appreciate him and say that he deserves it and he is bound to grow rich if he follows his plan properly. That perhaps boosts his self and he in turn tries harder to live down the image of a person who wants to grow rich. He may become really rich tomorrow and live down the image. But has he really lived ‘HIS’ life? Or was it the life of the image he had projected, the image that wanted to grow rich. Everyone wants the approval of society. Someone wants to grow rich so that he can live a happy life, someone wants to get a degree, and someone is behind a new job. What is the ultimate motive of all the motions that are going on? Very difficult to analyze others but as far as I go, I now know that if I can really come out the ‘obligations’ of the ‘tiru’ image created by me, I am a free man. I am then, not answerable to anyone, not even to my own self. That’s because my current ‘self’ i.e. ‘tiru’ would be dead. I may then have the real raw ‘tiru-new’ if it exists and if not, I may experience something new. I keep my fingers crossed. Meanwhile, I don’t think I would write, as I see no more motives to write. I have passed the stage where my ‘ego’ needs any approval. I don’t see why I should have goals and clear them. Why should I be rich? I don’t see as to why I should do anything more than what’s required for basic survival. And there are very high chances that I would agree my ‘id’ impulses as and when they arise even at the cost of my destruction. Well, I feel I am on the verge of something very important, really important. And the best part is that I need to explain anything to anyone. I am no longer obliged to do that. It may come to me anytime, today, and tomorrow or fuck, who cares any longer. I am not even bothered. I am dead.

'tiru' IS DEAD........

2006-06-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

Babu and the title

Standing with sumit with a cup of tea at an obscure corner of jia sarai and watching the girls pass by is a favorite pastime. Well, the time is always running short but then, one needs some break during the day and this is the best way. The girls too seem to enjoy it. Ok, let me bring out the complete picture. There are many sumits and tirus who are holding on to their cup of tea and standing at various chowks and watching girls. One never knows whether the girls are looking at you or the next guy. Neway, it hardly matters as long as WE are (or shall I say…I am) looking at girls. And if some girl indeed looks at you, it is such a surprise that one actually turns around and looks at the guy behind just to make sure she is not looking at an acquaintance. By the time, one turns back, either the girl is gone or she is looking at someone else. India is a land of competition and this is no exception. The moment one loses concentration, the opportunity is gone. Forever…never to come back.
Couple of days ago, we were standing at one such corner and sumit spotted some known face (no, not a girl…he is as resourceful as I am in this matter) and said hello. A short man accompanied by another medium man are walking towards us.
“Hi sumit, how are you?” – the short man
“Sab theek hai…how are you?” replies sumit
“Life as usual yaar” – Shorty retorts
“how’s the training going on?” – Sumit
“Absolutely fine, we booze every day and by the time the hangover is over, we are back to another booze session”
“By the way, meet my friend Tiru” Sumit introduces
“Hi, I am Sanjay IRS”.
The ‘IRS’ comes as if he has been saying it all his life. Like one says the initials. Tirumala KV. Varma GVDPK, Subramanian KK, Narasimha PVR, Rao CNR. What is not explained is that it is not the initials but the position he holds in the huge maze of government designations. IRS means Indian Revenue Services. He is under training in Indian Revenue Services.
So…whatever was associated with Sanjay makes way for IRS, the designation that speaks more and perhaps commands some price tag in dowry market. What with a simple mishra, puri, khan, chatterji etc. They would never match the might of ‘IRS’. The man is no longer a name, he is a designation, and he believes it. He lives it. He breathes it. I am XYZ IRS. Iam ABC IAS. I am KLM IPS.
That’s how it is in corridor of power I guess.
We had Barons, knights, lords and various assholes to rule over us. Nothing has changed, only designations replaced and hierarchies shuffled. Now we have IAS, IPS, IRS etc…
The constitutions says that all Indian are equal and the supreme court quashed the use of awarded titles like Padma shri before or after the name as that showed inequality between citizens. The awards are not suffixes or prefixes and shouldn’t be used as such in invitation cards etc, the supreme court had rules in 1996. What about designations, your honour? Can the court then change the way the officers introduce themselves? At least, can the academy, which trains them, tell the officers that the designations are not suffixes to their name?
“ Hello, I am Tirumala” I replied
“What are you preparing for?” IRS
“Civil services”
“O, achcha, choose your optionals carefully, first attempt right, then you have to work hard, blah blah blah……blah blah blah”
I sipped on my tea while the babu blabbered out all his unasked suggestions on preparation strategy and then started advising sumit on what strategy sumit should adopt (again without asking) for future preparations. Sumit nodded while he spoke approvingly and smiled at him continuously. He wished us best of luck and left.
“Asshole, he is an OBC and became an IRS by the virtue of quota, now he introduces himself as if he has hit the bulls eye all by himself” – Sumit blurted after he left.
I was not in a position to comment even though I didn’t exactly agree with his last statement. The IRS had sucked too much of energy out of me.
With the cup in hand, I walk back to room.
Some day, I might be a babu. I don’t want to hear myself saying,
“Hi, I am Tirumala…. IAS”.
May God give me enough strength to retain my present sanity of mind.

Tiru

2006-05-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

jha ji speaks

“Eureka”, I jumped out of my chair, leapt into the air and caught Jha ji. OK, Jha is his surname but I won’t tell you the name for the heck of it.
“What happened”, Jha ji asked
“I just discovered the biggest asshole of the world”, I said
“Who?”
“You”
Jha ji blinked. “Why do you say that Tiru ji?”
“yes, a person who invests in shares when it is at the peak and then complains about the price going down has to be an asshole, and you are the biggest one as you said you read in a magazine that the share is at the peak of the month and you still bought it”
“But the magazine recommended it as the peak” Jha ji was perplexed.
“Then the magazine too is written by assholes”
“No it is not tiru ji”
“Ok then Jha ji, tell me which magazine recommends to buy something which is at the peak of something. Don’t you know that in bullish market something at peak is always dangerous?”
“Tani rukiye tiru ji, abhi hum aapko dikhate hain, let me show you”
Jha ji produced the magazine in few moments. I caught my head when I saw the page on which it was boldly written “Pick of the month”
These biharis smoothen out the hard syllables and ‘pick’ becomes ‘peak’
Jha ji speaks: Jha ji recently recommended me to join ‘Bajeeram’ coaching institute. ‘Bajee”? something to do with betting. No…..you have to think hard. It’s actually ‘Vajiram’.

tiru

2006-03-22T03:27:00.000-08:00

The fighter in me

The hunger is back. The heat is on. The last lap of the race has begun. I am running. Have finished my optional thoroughly and revising now. GS is not over, but then, what man can claim a victory over the syllabus of civil services general studies.
My mind reverberates with the dream. My heart beats to that rhythm. I live the dream. I am alive. I realize now that I was dead all these years in corporate world. That was not competition. It was plain ass licking and butt kicking. The fighter in me was hibernating. Now he is up. What a sight to see him in full battle gear.
Trust me to fight till the last breath. I always miss the dark middle ages of the world when fighting was the key to survival. When warriors were worshipped. When hands held swords and arms ruled the world. How I long to be there. How I long to fight without bother for my very existence which may cease after the fight.
I am born at the wrong place, wrong time. In modern times, I should have been born in Afghanistan at least. I would have joined those nomadic fighting troops. The joy of killing. Big time killing. Just for the pure fun of killing. Not for profit, not for money, but for the pure joy of the act.
I am unfortunately in a world where killing is sin. I search outlets for the fighter in me. The competitive exam is a place. Yes, it gives similar fun. The joy of Giant Killing. They say, civil service exam is the toughest of all. They say, engineering subject is not to be taken. They say, you can’t do it in short time. It takes years. They say, you should have it in you. That’s some challenge then.
Now, I say, let’s fight. Let’s see if I can win. Let’s see if the opponent is tougher than me. Let’s see if I can kill this time too. Trust a fighter to fight till the last breath. Trust me to be a honest fighter. This is the test of the fighter in me. The arms are ready, the swords are drawn, and the arrows are tipped. The battle is about to start.
I miss the battle cries. I generate it within. I can generate the cries whenever I close my eyes. Every neuron of the brain shouts aloud to my command. The heartbeat goes up frantically, the nerves stiffen, blood pumps up, the pupils converge and I am in the mid of full fledged battle.
A single minded dedication. Yes, it took months to come to this stage. Took guts to cut off all relationships. One mind. One thought. One fight at a time. I now understand what it means to be a Zen. I would give anything to be in this state for ever. Let the fight begin. I am ready.

Tiru
P.S: Next blog after the first battle of prelims. After may 14th

2006-03-18T03:21:00.000-08:00

Newton's law and love

Well….How good was Newton? I mean, how good he was when he proclaimed that law of universal (mind the word universal) gravitation. For illiterates in physics, let me explain universal law of gravitation in layman’s terms. It basically says that between any two bodies in universe, there exists a force of attraction and this attraction is directly proportional to the product of masses (i.e. more the masses of bodies, higher will be the force of attraction) and inversely proportional to the square of the distance (i.e. more the distance between the bodies, lesser will be the force in general).
Now, as Newton included the term ‘universal’, and proclaimed the law as ‘Universal law of gravitation’ I guesstimated that it must hold for any ‘body’ anywhere in the universe. Agree? Well, you won’t after you read what happened with me. I applied the same law for attracting girls. Well, what’s wrong?
I found that this law simply doesn’t hold. That’s why I am angry and writing this blog. So, at last, after around four hundred years of formation of this so called greatest law, at least there is one exception found (OK, I don’t know theory of relativity).
I was initially thin (less mass) when at school. I was in love with another frail young girl in my class (still lesser mass). She was never attracted to me (initial condition). I applied Newton’s law now. As I couldn’t do anything with our masses, I thought of decreasing the distance between us. I exchanged my place with another classmate who sat near to her. Still, nothing happened. No attraction. Now, only one thing remained. Increase the mass. Well, even without any attraction between, we used to speak to each other as we were in same class. So, I once told her to eat well at home (in fact, I wanted her to remain that way but for the sake of Newton I had to suggest her otherwise). She was mighty wild at me that day and pressed me hard to tell me why I said that to her. I didn’t give the reason for the fear that she might think I am a ‘crack’. She told me to get lost with my crazy idea. I was devastated. Now only one thing remained. Increase my mass. Oops….my heredity has some limitations here. Nevertheless, I joined a gym. Worked out solid and by the time I build some sensible mass on my 6 feet 2 inch tall skeleton, I was out of school and into the college. The girl was long gone defying Newton’s law of gravity with another guy who had a micro layer of skin on skeleton. Nothing in between.
In college too I continued the gym at the cost of all fun in the world. Every evening when others enjoyed their time, I was huffing and puffing in the gym, increasing my mass. It fetched me a gold medal in university level bodybuilding competition and a bronze in power lifting but never a girl. All the time Newton was taking a beating everywhere. I saw guys who couldn’t walk straight and without masses in front or back (their jeans would come down and one could put a bunch of roses in their rear cleavage) hanging out with girls with still lesser masses.
I still had faith in Newton and all those scientists who still vouch by that stupid law. In retrospect, I should have guessed that they all had arranged marriages life.
I came out of college. I had a job now. I gave a last chance to Newton. I tried falling in love with girls having good mass (I refrain from using derogatory terms as some of my friends do have considerable masses). In office, in parks, restaurants, cinema, wherever I could find any girl with considerable mass, I would look at her (rather stare) with desperate eyes and a prayer for Newton in heart. I would also go near to decrease the distance. Still it didn’t work.
I know it. This whole world played a joke on me. Saala, that Newton. The biggest joker among all. If I see him anywhere, I will kick him hard. He should not have used the term universal. He should have used ‘heavenly bodies’ or something like that. He has ruined my life and I don’t know what to do with the mass I have grown. I look like hulk now.
So bhailog, if you fellas think Newton’s law still holds, better get up. Better late than never. Get out of that slumber and understand the truth. NEWTON’S UNIVERSAL LAW OF GRAVITATION SUCKS. (So does all those inverse laws of attraction like magnetic law)
Hold on, I just saw a girl with some mass moving into this cyber café. Let me try my luck. I am going closer to her. Will keep you posted.

Bye

Tiru - the Victim of Newton.

2006-02-28T03:04:00.000-08:00

the chimney

The best and worst part of staying at house no 4 Ist floor is this. There are girls occupying the second and third floor. Now these chicks are reason for entertainment and headache. That's why i say best and worst part. Some of these chicks are good looking but i never figured out where exactly they stay on top floors, always confused between their names and locations. Hesienberg's uncertainty principle of exact position and existence of particles (read good chicks) certainly holds here. All I know is that they appear from top and disappear into it. As if the top floors are black holes and these are particles at the horizon, now there, now not. OK let me add that there are some guys too on topmost floor and also on terrace but they look happy in their own world(or maybe lacking in hard balls like us). Never saw them interacting with the chicks. Now, for once, I empathize with them.

It so happens that there is one narrow vertical chimney type of stuff in the building to which the windows of ground, first, second and thrid floors open. This is the only source of Oxygen for survival for the house which doesn't have a decent ventilation or provision for sunlight. This chimney is the main cluprit. Anyone speaking in any of the mentioned floors can be easily (literally very easily) heard at all other floors if the window is open. If closed, you can still hear if you train your ears like mine. Anyway, as I keep the windows open as my roommate is a big time fart master (about his flatulence skills, in next blog), I never had any problem in listening to chicks above or the morons below.

Ground floor is occupied by poor bihari/UP souls named Pandeyji, Misraji, and some other jis which i could figure out from their loud talks. One of them even sings at midnight. I have bought an earplug from Shekar's shop to avoid him. May God bless the inventor of ear plugs. The above floors which opne into this chimney is occupied by the girls. These girls talk and talk and.....shall i write more...you can extrapolate it i guess. They talk everything under the sky but never about people under them (yours truly included). Now, we know what they like, what they don't. What songs are their favorite. How dumb or intelligent they are. (no relation with beauty through i guess). We also know the names from their mutual conversations. the only part of puzzle that remains is to indentify for sure as to whom the name belongs. At the rate they talk, it won't take much time.

So, i will update whatever happens in chimney front in next blogs. We are four in room now. Me, my two roomies and the chimney. The chimeny is the only entertainment all the way. Otherwise, it's only books, books and more books.
Hats off the the builder who made the chimney. If i meet him i will kick him first for the bad acoustics and wrong design of building and kiss him (on cheeks...ahem...) for making the chimney.
Any of you from jia sarai...if you go for house no. 4 and if the chicks still survive on it, be sure that you will have a good time...at their cost...via the chimeny...

P.S: One can enter other floors with a bit of effort through the chimney...never tried...let me see.

Tiru

2006-02-26T02:58:00.000-08:00

Ozone layer and hole

"Ozone layer's hole growing bigger every year", the headline of a news item screams out of 'The Hindu'. Sumit, my roomi reads it out aloud. "Yaar, what's this yaar, do you think it is because of pollution?". "Kahan hai bey, dikha to (Show me, where is it)...." Neeraj, the other roomi drops in. "haan hoga (maybe), green house emissions, co2 control, kyoto protocol....sabka koi fayda nahi (no benefit of all this)". Sumit speculates aloud "Yaar this is an important question and might be asked in the exam, ...note it down...and yes, check out the reasons too, what it means to say that ozone layer's hole is growing bigger every year....UV rays, cancer....baldness....and what else....?"All the time, my head is bent on applied mechanics trying to figure out the natural frequency of an obscure linkage arrangment. Neeraj turns his attention towards me now, "Abbe tiru, what does it mean to you when it says that Ozone layer's hole is growing bigger every year, tell me man...."
I reply: "It means, Ozone layer is female"
Wonder how to solve multiple degree linkage frequency problems when i am getting stuck in one degree of freedom.

Tiru

2006-02-15T03:05:00.000-08:00

Holi - day

OK....it was holi today. The festival of colors. Jia sarai celebrated holi with full josh. Early morning the villagers (Phew!! actually one can't exactly call them villagers....they are pretty hip for that) came out with dhol and started playing the only tune they know. That started the celebrations. Well....this tune starts all the celebrations in jia sarai i guess. I see the same set of guys with the same drums and the same tune. dhank chak chak chak dhank chak chak......I need to get a frequency analyzer to know whether they play any other tune on that. It sounds monotonous. And irritating too if one is sleeping after a whole night's studies. Yours truly was doing that. Wonder if they play the same tune when someone dies here.
Neway, that's not important. The holi gets as colorful as it can. People chase each other and pour colors. All colorful smiling faces. My roomi sumit too went out. He came back completely colored. Neeraj, the other roomi went home today. well...here's something funny. His train was at 2 PM in the afternoon and anticipating nuisance if he leaves at 12 or 1 PM, he started at 7 AM itself!!!! Now, that's called color phobia i believe. I could imagine him sitting at the platform at 8 AM waiting for the train to arrive at 2 PM....don't want to be in his shoes.
What did I do? Got up a bit late, as i was up last night to finish off a major portion on theory of machines. As i don't know anyone out here except sumit, i didn't risk venturing out. Just had some side glances when i went out briefly and got milk. Listened to Guns and Roses and Metallica after a long time. That calmed me down a bit. Sumit was yet to come. Thought of masturbating, then didn't feel like. Am trying to increase my will power. I have promised myself that i won't mastrubate till prelims get over. As one or the other roomie is always in, that's not a problem. The problem arises when both are out. That's real test. If Gandhiji can control himself, why can't I. One day, i too will have towering will-power like Gandhiji's. Boy....i am in awe of Gandhiji.
Sumit was supposed to come at around 2 to 3 PM after having lunch at his didi's place. I cooked some rice for me. Some curd was there. Sumit came in at around 2.30. I had my lunch then. Curd rice with pickles.
Yes, i forgot something. The girl from top floor (i refrain from naming her as i don't want to drag someone unwillingly into this dirty blog) passed on some pakoras and kheer like stuff through the chimney (see previous bog to understand about chimney). Yum...that made the day at last. The onion and aloo pakoras were hot and spicey. After a looooong time i had such nice pakoras. It all happened because of my roomi sumit. He went up and colored that girl and asked her if she had something to eat. AS she didn't have anything rightaway, she prepared i guess. I was dozing off when she yelled, "Chintooooooo" and as sumit (yes, he is chintoo....) was in bathroom, decolorifying himself, i shouted back, "Wo bathroom mein hai (He is in the bathroom)"....and added "naha raha hai (taking bath)" to make sure she doesn't misunderstands. "Koi aur hai to khirkee pe aao (Can someone else come to the window??)", she replied back on which i went to the chimney and promptly saw a polythene hanging in front of our oxygen supply hole (window). I took it in. It came with a long thread too. I opened the boxes inside. Wow!!! the smell, and the 'bondas'. They were delicious. I told sumit to thank her from my side too. As he has not introduced me to her (he once introduced some girl to my other roomie, Neeraj and afterwards the girl started calling Neeraj and stopped talking to sumit, he learnt his lesson fast!!) , that's the only way i could thank her i guess.
Didn't feel like studying after that. So typed out this blog. Chintooooo is out again with her didi to his bhaiya's place. Neeraj is in train. I am alone at home. Now.....If you are rightly guessing what's on my mind, let me tell you.....I am still in awe of Ghandhiji.
Tiru

jia sarai days 1

2005-11-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

A civil services aspirant arrives at Jia Sarai, Delhi for preparations of civil services exam. This is the qualifying exam in India for getting into coveted administrative services A week by week account of his stay. The exam is one of the most bitterly contested exams over the world. Total candidates applying for the exam exceeds 300000 every year. No of selected candidates less than 300. Jia sarai is a small place near IIT Delhi gate, South Delhi, where 1000s of aspirants prepare for this coveted exam. Here's the first installment.

New Delhi. The capital of India. At last, I am here. 10.00 PM, 2nd of november, 2005. The city is peaceful. It seems to me. Can’t believe there were bomb explosions few days back. The roads are empty. The auto chugs along. The driver hums a 'bhojpuri' song. I guess it reminds him of his home. This being the season of diwali and ‘chhatt’ (a festival of Bihar and UP), the longing becomes painful. The song gets louder; perhaps, unknown to autowallah, his heart vents the pain through the song. Giving courage to him in a land so far from his home. The wind is mild with a tinge of cold, hinting the arrival of winter. Heard there was a snowfall in Shimla. It would take 2 days for the cold air to come down to Delhi. I feel the thermals inside the bag. Yes, it’s there. I am safe. The auto takes a left turn into a small lane. Bold letters on a cement platform proclaim: “Jia Sarai Village”. I can see numerous papers on the boundary walls on both sides of the lane, advertisements from coaching institutes. “IAS made easy”, “Bhawani Singh public administration”, “GS for IAS”, “GATE 2006”, “JEE Physics”, the papers shout at me. Perhaps, they are hiding “Don’t stick bills” underneath. The street lamps wage a constant war with the darkness, winning a battle each night. The steep slope drives the auto into first gear. The rising throttle gives out a cry as if it understands the pain and longing of autowallah’s heart. I finally get down. Paid and thanked him. The ‘thanks’ from me lights up his face. Simple words work magic on hearts. Learnt from a friend. Jia Sarai, my home for next one and half years. I give a call to one of the seniors whom I know. He comes, wishes and hugs me. The hug saying all that he couldn’t express in words. Hands me over the key of my room, shows the location and hurries away. He has cleared the preliminary of civil services exam and is appearing for mains. He can’t afford to waste his time. I understand. I can see something in his eyes. Yes, I have seen it before. Where? Perhaps, in the eyes of a hungry tiger on discovery channel. I know the hunger is real. The eyes are also desperate. Don’t know why. I learnt it later. It’s his last attempt on the exam. He has exhausted all his attempts. The future hangs on it. A candidate is allowed only four attempts. Now I understand the intensity in his eyes. The eyes have the hunger and the urge to kill. The survival depends on it. Inside the room, I search for a mirror. To see if my eyes too have the same killer instinct. Can’t find one. I mean, I can’t find a mirror. My roomi doesn’t have one I suppose. Bugger, how does he shave? Well doesn’t matter. Let him come back from home. He’s supposed to come back in next 2 days. The room was not looked after for past 15 days. I switch on the fan. It’s foggy inside. Wait, it’s not fog. It can’t be. It was clear outside. Omigod, this is dust. Bugger has kept the ventilators open. There is this dust all over the room. Switch off the fuckin fan. 20 minutes fly by. Everything in the room is covered in dust, including me. The tap in the attached bathroom works. Cold water. Flush is ok. The room is a small 8 by 8 feet box with an attached toilet. Two cots occupy the major part. A table with my roomi’s comp occupies remaining. There’s a folded table too. Thrown in by a friend who left after failing three attempts at the exam. The room is full with various cartons of different sizes. Newspapers, bags, wastes and a whole monster world under the cot, questioning my very existence in the room. I see a mattress too, thrown inside in a hurry. Looks like the table friend has dumped this too. The shape of mattress explains the reason of his failure. Ahem, maybe partially. Used and worn out. Looks like he spent the major part of his time on it. Sleeping, wriggling…perhaps, masturbating, who knows? I come down. It’s 11.30 PM. The narrow lanes of Jia Sarai look busy. The tea and cigarette stalls are open. Hundreds of them having tea. Chatting away. Some looks serious. Some tired. And some, with the same killer instinct in their eyes. I can see numbers, am an engineer at heart. Tried guesstimating the percentage. Around 10 percent have it in their eyes. Took a tea. Damn cheap at 3 bucks for a full tea. Surrchai. Lit a cigarette. The combo is pleasure. The smoke curls as it comes out of my mouth. The turbulence reminds me of my internal churning, not yet streamlined. Came back to room. No, hold it. No fan now. Removed the bedspread carefully and put mine on the cot. Converted my winter jacket into pillow. Freshened up and went to sleep. Tomorrow, the day begins. Have to buy a mirror first. Unemployed by choice, lying in an obscure corner of jia sarai in Delhi, listening to music of mosquitoes, trying to sleep, waiting for the dreams. IAS, the dream, I, the dreamer. Tiru