Friday, December 10, 2010
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A difference in time and place can help one gain different perspective on things and events. I never thought I would ever revisit this blog, atleast not this soon. Anyway, here I am.
I am months away from the time Civil services meant everything to me and I am thousands of kilometers away from Jia Sarai, sitting in increasingly cold weather of Hamburg in Germany. I have been seeing quite an amount of world in Europe recently and that puts things in perspective for me. I just want to say, in retrospect, nothing matters.
I spent a lot of time wondering why I didn’t make it to civil services. I thought I will carry the burden of this failure all my life and will never get over this. In fact, that’s the reason why I never dared to visit this blog.
That’s not so. I moved on. Quite well to my own surprise, I must say. In retrospect it looks so stupid of me to even think that I failed. I now look back with a smile at this blog and wonder what I was upto at jia sarai. It must have been fun while it lasted.
So, I decided to visit this blog once more and let all those who are attempting this exam know that in the long run it doesn’t matter. Great if you succeed, greater still if you don’t. You will get a chance to see the world, like I am doing right now. And you will enjoy it all the same. I now work in the field of aerospace with one of the biggest aeroplane makers in world, and I am proud to be an engineer.
P.S: There was one more reason why I wanted to write this one last post on this blog. This post will take the total number of posts on this blog equal to 50. That's a nice sum to round up and retire. All the best
Friday, May 22, 2009
THE SONG OF LIFE...
I struggled with the algebraic loop. Somewhere the logic was wrong. Matlab/simulink cannot tackle algebraic loops properly. I was getting restless in office. There was something that bothered me in the back of my mind. Is it the air-conditioner? Or is it the irritation at not being able to move at this step of performance check. It was looping in the mind, avoiding direct cognition.
Then it struck. It was the feeling that I didn’t make it to the list of successful candidates in civil services exam. I thought I had tackled and buried the ghost of it in the one week period after the results came. But it doesn’t look like I have done it completely. It loops inside. It nags. Sometimes I know it’s nagging, and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, it irritates.
I feel like L K Advani. A man who fought and lost and has no more time left to take one more shot at it. He is old. So am I, in a different way. The difference is that I still have more than 30 years to fight out in life. He doesn’t. If this is how much failure hurts me, I cannot imagine how Mr. Advani is feeling.
This post is not to grieve over Mr. Advani’s defeat. It’s about me. It’s about how I failed and how I am coping with it. Biwi corrects me every time I say that I failed. She says “You didn’t qualify, that’s all, and you didn’t ‘fail’.” One way or the other, it means I am not in the list of selected candidates. I scored 1173 out of 2300. And I heard they took guys who scored above 1175.
My fling at the exam began with my intention to do something more than what I was doing. I was doing what I loved doing. Designing and developing products for the industry. I was doing that for 3.5 years after my engineering. I thought I could design better policies and help in developing India in a better way. I felt I can be a scriptwriter in the success story of making of a modern India in a globalized world. That’s ‘why’ I quit my job to take up a career in civil services. I quit when I was doing extremely well in the industry.
When I started, I always dreamt about what I would do once I am a civil servant. I failed the first time. That’s when things changed. Thereafter, I was more concerned about how to clear this exam than about what I would do once I have done so. The question as to ‘why’ I wanted to be a civil servant was relegated to some back corner of my mind. It was the exam and it was me. Years rolled by. Until this happened. I was too old for this exam and out of attempts.
I am back in industry. Doing what I do best. Luckily for me, I had added few months of experience while preparing and had found my life partner. Rather, my life partner found me while I was preparing for this exam. Either way, we got married. And now we have a baby girl. By the time the results came, my life was busier than ever. There was not much time to look back and grieve. And Biwi was there to support me.
I am doing reasonably well in the industry now. My career is progressing well. Biwi and baby are fine. Life has changed. Priorities have changed. And I am moving on.
Bulleting back from work, in the chaotic traffic of Bangalore, when I switch off my Bullet at signals, and look around and see fellow techies, I realize that I am now one of them. The job, the workload, project deadlines, cafeteria, cubicle, bitching about the HR policies and the wait for the next weekend. It’s all there. However, there’s one difference.
I had the courage to risk it all. I once did. I lost the bet. And I know that I have the courage to build my dreams once more. Brick by brick, I will build. I believe this is my takeaway from this exam, where I didn’t, ‘qualify’.
I have changed the logic, and now the model is without algebraic loop. And it’s working fine.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, December 08, 2008
You marry and your life moves faster than you can imagine. I am no longer at jia sarai. I am in bangalore. I am jobless too. Like the schrodinger's cat in the box. The only difference is that the cat is a probability function, i.e. it may or may not exist whereas i do. Painfully. I wonder if i too can become a probability. Uncertain existence and all that. In a way i do. In a way, all civil services aspirants exist at a probabilistic level. They are in the probability world. Probably they clear the prelims, probably they appear for mains, probably they clear mains too and probably they appear for interview and by a stroke of mother of all probabilities, they get selected. Till all these probabilities work themselves out, the aspirants are in a probable daze about their future. They don't know what to do or where they stand in the world. Anyway, all that is a huge jumble to be sorted out soemtimes later, probably.
Biwi came a day before my exams got over. In fact, i had my last psychology exam on 1st nov and biwi was in my room on the previous night. She had warned me to finish my syllabus and revision (if it ever gets over) by the time she arrives. I, as usual, was halfway through. Anyway, biwi didn't disturb me as she was busy planning our holidays in himachal and goa and a trip in between to my relatives in punjab. It was a month long fun after the exam.
My exams went well (probably). And i will probably clear. And probably i will appear for interview and PROBABLY I will be selected. Let's see. I already feel like Schrodinger's cat.
Meanwhile, i have decided to continue my career in hydraulics industry where i perform best. It's time i settle down in life after all those experimenting all these years. I want to design products as that gives me a kick. I am currently evaluating where to join.
Anyway, the years spent at Jia sarai will stay with me. Whenever i look back, probably, I will remember the stinking bylanes of the sarai with nostalgia. I spent some best years of my life there, trying to unknot the probabilistic functions of life.